[Troubledandhurt]

Hello, I'm not sure if my daughter has some sort of personality disorder and so I'm reaching out to see if anyone has experienced similar issues with a loved one.

We've had problems with our daughter since she was a teenager - running away to Mexico, stealing (thousands of dollars) from us, DUIs, etc. We've been there for her through all of it. We even paid to have her crummy boyfriend fly back from Mexico so we could get her back.

Then, she started with another crummy guy - this one who she would eventually have our grandson with. We didn't like him from the get-go and this added another layer of strain to our relationship. We eventually realized that it is her decision to be with whomever she chooses even if we don't like him. It was a work in progress, but we were inviting him over for holidays, etc. to try to at least be civil. But our feelings about him have really continued - i.e. he's a bum, hasn't worked one day, hasn't lifted one finger to buy a diaper or food for our grandson, who is now 4.

Despite all of the help we've given her, she thinks we are horrible and the cause for her struggles. For example, she recently moved back into our house with our grandson so she could get on her feet again. Despite my husband caring for her son every day while she worked (getting him ready for the day, taking him to and from pre-school, making him lunch, and caring for him while my daughter works), she doesn't appreciate anything we do for her. She quickly became jealous of the relationship we had with our other daughter and her boyfriend. She threw a fit, saying we love the other daughter more, and that it is our fault that her son couldn't be with his daddy (because we wouldn't agree to support him and let him live in our house). Not, "thank you mom and dad for letting me and my son live here rent free" but FU for ruining my life again! Now, she won't speak with us and, even worse, won't allow us to see our grandson. That's heartbreaking and not good for him either!

Anyway, I really don't think it's a matter of being immature or one day she will "wake up." I think something is not right with her thought-process or something. Has anyone had anything like this?

Thanks!

[River11]

So sorry for the heartache and struggles you're having with your daughter. I'm far from being any expert, but I think it's commendably lovely that you've both been so involved and supportive, and especially that you could be there so much for your grandson. Also definitely good that you drew the line at supporting her freeloader 'boyfriend'. And I hope and pray your daughter undoes that horrible heartbreak and lets her son resume contact with two very important people in his life.

There is much that sounds similar to my younger daughter ... She had major depressive disorder through childhood and was also often anti-relational, totally unappreciative and sometimes violent. She is now 17 yrs and has progressed out of most of the 'out-of-control' stuff and grown into greater responsibility on the one hand, yet there are also some elements of maybe borderline personality disorder that she's still not aware of on the other hand, and so she will sometimes blame usually her sister or me for distressing/ugly episodes she has when she's with us. But she is living and progressing independently and showing more of the warm-hearted qualities that were so strong in her as a small child.

I would dare to say I agree with your observation, that your daughter may also have something like a personality disorder ...? I'd suggest you look at the explanations of various types on this site and see if any of them seem to describe your daughter. And maybe from there you can go about learning about effective ways of reaching through that to her.

I do wish you well and hope respectfully loving relationship can be restored soon.

[winter4me]

I would consider changing the post title.