[inneedy]

OK, 4TH time writing this now. I cant try to tell any kind of story because I feel I'm writing too much. Basically my dad drank too much, mentally bullied me, i developed anxiety had panic attacks and now have up and down days with depression. Got kicked out of school, my dad moved in with his girlfriend and I spent 2 months in seclusion at home until I was offered a job which I think has ****ed me up. I hate meeting people now (though I was never brilliant with people I managed), I cant form relationships with them and when I do, I do anything to get out of it (sometimes just never return calls and remove them from social media sites). Had a few jobs and done further education (I dont know how it works in america but it means construction qualifications basically) and I've quit everything because I cant stand being around people for that long. It's probly a mix of the seclusion and lack of a relationship with either of my parents. At my grandads funeral last year everyone stood around crying and i felt motionless. I literally cried 1 tear when I saw his body and I had to ask people to leave the room to do that. All I want from life is maybe a night job where I dont have to see anyone and live on my own. At the same time if thats what I aim for I know Ill never be happy, just satisfied. I thought about going to a doctor and maybe getting sent to a shrink or something but I booked appointments and can't bring myself to it..even writing this is something I've been thinking about for ages but just couldn't reach out. Now I'm looking for work again and the idea of meeting new people terrifies me. Though to be honest I don't really see what anyone can do for me but tell me to go see a doctor? Had to try this at some point at least.

Thanks if you've taken the time to read this and for any comments made, its genuinely appreciated.

[Perna]

I guess you have to make a plan for what you'd like (go to doctor and actually get yourself you go?), figure out what sort of night jobs there are (hotel clerk? night watchman?) and work toward them and decide if you want to learn to form relationships with others or not. No one is automatically good at such things, we have to learn. True, some people are born more sociable or have circumstances work more toward one way than another but everyone has to identify and decide to take advantage of their own personal attributes, resources, and circumstances and muddle through learning and striving toward what they decide they want.

Can you join some social groups online (like this one, welcome! :-) and get a little practice "meeting" people, getting your thoughts out and what you want to say when you meet people in person and what your problems are and whether other people have had and worked on those problems, etc.? I don't know how old you are; I was 39 before I got married because of my anxieties and social ineptness, it took me that long to get my act together