[fireturtle]

I'm very confused about my emotions regarding my girlfriend who I have been with for over 3 years now. We've lived together for most of that time; we basically lived like we are actually married without the title.

She is my only real girlfriend I've ever had. I was overweight and socially awkward in my teens, and didn't start dating till I was 23. Even then, I only had dates with about 6 or so women that only lasted about a week or two before meeting her online and hitting it off instantly. She has been my first EVERYTHING. My first kiss, my virginity, my first real romantic relationship. Our relationship has been good, (with the normal rough patches here and there), but three years in she has begun shaking the tree a bit about really getting married and starting a family.

I'm really confused about my feelings for her, and occasionally find myself wondering if there is someone better out there for me. However, one of my own faults has been being unrealistically idealistic, so my "dream" girl probably doesn't even exist. Our relationship is NOT perfect, but I wonder if anyone's strong relationships are. However, I wouldn't even dare classify the relationship has bad either. The relationship is simply just... OK. We both have ups and downs, strengths and faults, etc etc. I fear I might just be falling victim to the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" motif.

But what really bothers me is my inexperience with relationships. I've never dated anyone else, so I have no baseline to judge the state of our relationship off of. You hear many other people say how they knew they found the right person because of how previous partners treated them or what those relationships were like, but I don't have that. I'm dreadfully afraid of moving on from her to date other women, finding out that every other woman can't compare to how good she was, but now she's gone AND terribly hurt by my decision to breakup.

To make matters worse, she is heads over heels in love with me. She adores me for every piece of my self, and tells me how her history of past relationships only solidifies what a great guy I am and that she never even wants to look for someone else because I mean everything to her. She has even given up jobs and ambitions to stay with me. She really thinks I am her dream guy, and I can't help but wonder if she's my dream girl... I'm not convinced. I'm so afraid of causing her pain over my selfish and naive actions.

Also, one last point to make is that I've never been strongly physically attracted to her. I find her mildly attractive, and fell in love with her for her personality and kindness rather than looks. She has been overweight since we met, so allow me to be a tiny vain and say I probably would be much more attracted to her if she lost weight, but then again I wonder how much physical attraction even matters in the first place.

All and all, my inexperience with relationships really has me afraid of making a big life choice I'm going to regret down the road. I fear we might become that couple that just puts up with each other, and sometimes I think I deserve better than that. On the same page, who is to say that the relationship couldn't become tremendously better for a variety of reasons? So far to me it's just been OK, a mix of good and bad, so is that enough? I have no baseline to make that decision off of! Help please!

[hamster-bamster]

It is unlikely that she would lose weight - had it been possible, she would have long done it. Assume that she will stay the same for some time ane then might gain a bit. Be realistic - will it be fun to stay with her in the long haul.

It would certainly be cruel to marry her but not be excited about het. She sounds like a lovely person who deserves an enthusiastic lover. Can you be that lover? What I am saying is that leaving her and living with her without enthusiasm would both hurt her. Her reality is that she is in love with a man who is not in love with her (adores her but is not in love with her). It is a mild case of unrequited love (in the mildest form). Whatever you choose has the potential of hurting her, and it is hard to determine which hurt would be bigger. So think of your own interest first.