[Browneyedgem]

I'm new to Psych Central. This is my first time reaching out like this as I do not know what to think of my situtation. Please bare with me because it's a long story but I'll try to keep it short.

My bf has many of the traits of a sociopath & a narcissist but not quite because he isn't exactly unsympathetic towards others but he is extremely selfish, arrogant, very confident....nothing can knock him over. He's focused like a horse. He always asks if I love him but barely says that he loves me. He's full of affection though & we always sleep in each other's arms. He has used emotional blackmail, tantrums & to get what he wants from me. He plays tit for tat & never admits when he is wrong. He blames me for the problems in our relationship & refuses to be accountable. He loves to be the center of attention & always thinks someone is staring at him. He's very charming & has gaslights me at times to get his way.

My bf & I had a long distance relationship from 2011 to 2012. He relocated to be with me in 2012 but now has to go back to FL because of work & to take care of his child support case. He doesn't like the North or snow. He moved in with me in 2013.

During our long distance relationship, I fell in love with him because he was charming, handsome, seemed to be sincere & he was very very attentive. He would call me all the time & we'd stay on the fone for hours. He would even call me when got up to use the bathroom at nite. I fell hard & couldn't see my life with any other man. But there were also times he would turn off his fone for the weekend & that would send me into a panic. I was very worried & didn't know what was going on. He eventually told me that he had a coke addiction but we worked through it because I loved him. This went on for a year until he moved.

He moved in with me in August 2013 but was very irritable. He didn't have patience with my son or pets. He tells them to move & doesn't say excuse me. One day my son was saying his grace & my bf was started to talk. My son asked if he could be quiet while he said his grace. My bf told him to say it in his head & it didn't matter if he was talking or not. I took up for my son & aked my bf to be quiet while he said his grace. He obliged which doesn't happen too ofter. I annoyed him if I had a cold or menstral cramps etc. If I coughed or made the slightest movement in the middle of the nite, he would tell me to be quiet & has even said shut up because he has to work in the morning. He gets up to urinate in the nite & when he does, I wake up. In all honesty, he hasn't catered to me or my son at all but we've done more than enough for him. I sometimes feel as though I'm being used. Now that he's moving to Fl, he has become distant except when he wants to borrow money. He aked me to move with him but I can't at this time because of his actions. I feel saddened that he's leaving because I love him.

He's had a hard life, growing up in foster homes, abused by his adoptive parents & has been on his own since the age of 5. He raised himself. I know that can make a person tough, selfish, bitter & see the hard side of life. I'm confused. I asked that we go to therapy together..he said no because he doesn't need anyone to tell him what to do.

What do you think? I need feedback.

[hvert]

It doesn't sound like he treats you or your family very well. Your intuition is telling you that this isn't right, and I would trust that small voice. He may have reasons for being the way he is, but it doesn't mean he should make you and your kids suffer.

I would use his move to Florida to create some emotional distance, if possible. What would you advise a friend in your situation to do?

[0w6c379]

That's a toughie. You are getting all the affection you want but he has no patience with you, your son or pets. I think you have to ask yourself, is this what I want for my future? Can you consider trying to meet someone else. Maybe you can take this time apart as an opportunity to think seriously about whether he is offering you the kind of relationship you want. Weigh the good and bad. Personally, I don't think it would sit well with me if he has no patience with my son saying grace. How is he with your son in other areas? Helping him with homework, does he really take an interest in his activities, friends, etc? IDK. If a man is going to be with me, he has to be good with my kids too. That's just me, you have to ask yourself what matters to you?

[AsterDisaster]

There is definitely something there that makes you want to leave and also some things that make you want to stay. I guess I would ask you, is he the man you would like your son to turn into? Because he watches the shenanigans and takes it all in as examples. He is learning from all he sees and he sees MORE than you believe.

Aster D

[Trippin2.0]

In answer to your title question, I have a question of my own:

Does it really matter?

I ask because IMO what should matter is that the fundamentals are present. That myself and my daughter are treated respectfully, that my bf is attentive and fullfills my basic needs in our relationship.

A sociopath can be a jerk or a decent partner. Having a disorder isn't a free pass to treat people like shyt, nor does it automatically mean being unable to treat someone with care. A diagnoses shouldn't be used to excuse ill treatment.

For me, an instant deal breaker is ill treatment or disrespect of my daughter. And yes, that would include what your bf did while your son was praying. That type of behaviour toward my child is a huge 100% no no.

I'm an adult, I can choose to accept being treated like shyt by the man in my life, but my child however has no say. That's actually the reason I left her "dad"... I didn't want to subject her to him, even though he was my choice at the time. Best decision I ever made because I now have a man who loves and respects us both and treats us both beautifully.

[IndieVisible]

He sounds more like a DPD, **** Personality Disorder

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

He sounds more like a DPD, **** Personality Disorder

Omgeeee Indie! I wish I could thank you a million times!

[Browneyedgem]

Thanks for your help, everyone.
I think he is BPD & DPD....LOL with a lot of anger issues. He runs hot & cold & has been very explosive. I've walked on eggshells for the longest time & I'm not happy. I can not live like this or put my family...son & animals through this. I broke it off completely with him after I coughed @ 4am from post nasal drip because I have a cold & he told me to shut up because he has to work. He's a miserable person & I can't continue to be his door mat.
He left on Sunday & my home is full of positive energy. My son & animals don't seem to miss him & are happier.

[hamster-bamster]

Good riddance...

Treat yourself to saline spray every hour - it really helps with post-nasal drip.

[SirGoliath]

WOW. He sounds like my ex-bf! Please leave & do not waste anymore of your precious time in this relationship. I wasted almost 4 years with a man like this & it was hell. Your family is much more important!

[SirGoliath]

Our situations are very similiar. I was in the same position but was so blinded that I made deadly mistakes! But I can see yours as clear as day! Isn't that funny how life is? I try to take my own advice but it doesn't work all the time because I'm involved emotionally.
Don't go back to him! Let him go. He isn't the man for you. Anyone that disrespects the things you love is WRONG for you! Stay strong & prayers!

[hannabee]

Your son is your family, not this man. He has mistreated you long enough. Whatever you do don't let him back in...you deserve soooooo much better and you will find it!