[hinderedgirl76]

So... i sort of posted a bit of this in my new member intro, but after thinking for a few moments this topic likely deserves a thread of it's own.

I'm in a non abusive relationship that I don't want to be in. Solution - don't be in it.... ahh... it sounds so simple.

I was recently (within the last 6 months) diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder with BP1. Prior to that I was only being treated for depression... wrong diagnosis. Anyway, I just feel like I need time for myself to sort of gain some kind of management skills with this disorder which is currently running my whole life. He, however, disagrees and feels like he is the best tool I could have for learning to manage because he also suffers from BP1. I simply could not disagree with him more.

I've tried to end things with him, but he often tells me how if I leave him he'll go back to his "old ways" (he has spent some time in and out of the legal system). I don't want this for him because I do care about him, but I am just not happy in this relationship... I don't want any relationship! We do live together, so it's not the type of situation where I could just blow him off. It's my place, and my small daughter lives with me, so I can't just up and leave either.

I don't at all know how to handle this. Sorry so long!!! Any advice or suggestions greatly appreciated

[Frankbtl]

Hi, I agree with you too, just because he has BP1 as well doesn't necessarily make him the right one to help you. In fact it wouldn't be unusual for one persons mood swings to trigger the same in someone else with BP.
And different people can have different personalised ways of dealing BP anyway, but as for the tools you can use/adapt well you can can be advised on them by your doctor/psychiatrist and read about some of them here!!
I suppose the main thing is that you feel you have some sort of support and support that you feel is right for you wherever that comes from, doesn't have to be from him.
And now is a time you really do need to feel as much in control as you can right? Let's face it, you've got enough to deal with.
Anyway, the bottom line is you just don't want to be with him by the sounds of it. If he does go back to his "old ways" then you should in no way feel responsible for that. He has a choice whether he wants to stay on the straight and narrow and it's down to him to make that choice. You really can't stay in a relationship just for the other person, you need to be able to find happiness too and if it's not there.............
So, if you're going to ask him to leave have you got a friend or a family member who can help you with that if you're expecting it not to go well? Or would it help if you explained things to him and helped him to find somewhere else? Perhaps think about if you want to stay friends with him afterwards as well, might be a good thing, might not??
Or you may even decide that you just want a break with him for now and to have your own space? If it's as much the way you're feeling here and now that's making you want that, do you think that once you're feeling better in yourself you actually are going to really want to be with him?
Maybe just have a good think about things but whatever you decide has to be right for YOU. So put yourself first and.......best wishes.
Alison

[hvert]

Frankbtl has some good advice.

Your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you by making you feel guilty about how he chooses to live his life. It's really unfair to you.

Practice your response to him saying that he will revert to his old ways. Something like "I'll be really sad if you go down that path, but if that is how you choose to live your life, I can't stop you" -- or whatever works for you and your situation. I think the important thing is to get a line in your head that you can call up almost on reflex.

I would also think about how you want the move to go (assuming you want him to move out?). Decide what your boundaries are now. How much time will you give him to find a new place? What will you do if he ignores your deadline?

Good luck -- it sounds like an awkward situation!

[Splintercell]

It won’t be easy, and you know this but at the end of it all it is your future and your life. It’s understandable that he wants to protect you and not lose you but he shouldn’t do this in a threatening way. What he chooses to do with his life if/when you separate is up to him but you want to do what is best for you and your daughter.

I don’t believe it’s the diagnosis that makes you unhappy in the relationship; you might just have been unhappy long before your diagnosis? Whatever your reason, finding a peaceful solution would help both of you. Maybe you two just need some time apart to establish what direction to go for yourselves? (A trial separation) good luck

[hinderedgirl76]

Thank you, everyone. It's all great advice. I love the idea of "practicing" a response!

[fraiser]

Do you have a big brother, father, male friend who can be there when you ask him to go? A looming presence will keep him in line. Is there somewhere he can go that you can reccommend so he doesn't feel so abandoned. Its not a pleasant task but you will feel so much better and wonder what took you so long.

[avlady]

I think you should have someone else there when you confront him, i've been in situations where i was alone with ex's and they tried to hurt me pshycially when i tried to break up with them, one of them was going to kill himself by walking in front of traffic. The same person got pshysical with me several times when i was trying to get away from him, but i would have to tell him i loved hm so he wouldn't do anything to me or himself, which i didn't mean, but was scarred for my safety.

[Fuzzybear]

[SeekerOfLife]

Some good advice was posted here. I am learning to take better care of myself. I would have a plan like some of the things posted here. This is a time for you to take care of yourself. And.....what can of influence does this man have on your child.