Learning to keep relationships

Although I'm outgoing and friendly, talkative, and fun to be around (I hope!) I'm actually a pretty guarded person. I don't let many people 'in' - and when I do I start to worry that they will not like what they see and leave me. In a way, it's easier to keep myself guarded so I don't have to deal with the hurt it would cause if they left.

I have never had a long term romantic relationship, when I get close, I break it off. No one is ever quite right - somehow I always find something that's wrong - and it's usually something irrationally small. I don't know what it is, but my brain sees one fault and I just think 'no, its a bad sign, this just isn't going to work, cut it off before it goes too far and someone gets hurt'. It's frustrating because it's like a warning bell goes off and then I just can't get past it - I don't see them as the same anymore. I often really like someone from a distance - then when I get to know them and they start to like me - the fact they like me makes me not like them. Like, I don't trust their instinct about me. Sounds pretty screwed up now it's written down.

I feel like I must have some sort of attachment problem but the issue for me is how do I make it go away/ how do I live with it. I find it very difficult putting emotions into words, and expressing myself. I feel like most people can do it quite easily, but if you ask me how I'm feeling i find it difficult. I do feel, but my understanding of my emotions seems less than other people. I get upset and anxious but couldn't tell you why or what other emotions were going on behind the scenes.

I'm thinking about seeing a therapist - but not really sure how they could help? I feel like it's unrealistic to expect that they could completely 'fix' me... I just want to be able to hold a relationship down so I can get on with my life...

Hello there and welcome to PC!

Learning to keep relationships is hard. I have many relationships with people, maintaining them is another thing. That's where my issue lies. I disappear quite often from people.

I have been in relationships, but I am at the opposite of the spectrum, I just love way too much and get too attached.

A therapist is a great idea. I have had mine for close to 7 years now, and the point of having him there is not to "fix" me, because the only person that could do the fixing is yourself. He just guides me in the right direction and advises me on what I should do. But its up to me if I want to follow it, its just nice to have someone to talk to every couple of weeks, that knows me inside and out and can offer a non-judgmental point of view.

Good luck and at least you found this site, its a great place to help you through things.

Hi PlatinumHeart

Thanks for your reply, it's reassuring to have had such a quick response for my first post. I was pretty nervous before posting - as I find all this pretty hard to talk about in 'non computer' life :P

I wrote a reply in the 'quick reply' box but it didn't show up so I'll try to remember what I wrote and put it here...

What you said about getting too attached is how I feel about some of my relationships early on - I just love being around them and getting to know them and it seems so exciting. And I start to care about them, then it feels like too much and something goes off in my head and I'm like 'wait, this is too good' and I end up finding irrational reasons to break it off before it goes too far and someone gets hurt (me and/or them)... it usually leaves the other person feeling confused (quite rightly, as my reasons for breaking up never quite make sense in the context of a relationship, which from their point of view is usually going well!).. :/ Sometimes I just try to avoid dating people... also not great...

With friendships - if I feel too close I just try to not see them for a while to try to balance it out a bit. Is that sort of what you meant when you said you disappear from people?

Since you have trouble with expressing emotions verbally, get an art therapist (a psychologist with training in art therapy).

Have you considered that you might be risk-averse to an extreme degree?

Hi hamster-bamster,

I really like the sound of art therapy I'm quite creative so it sounds like it could be a good tool to help me express myself. I'll look into it

You could be right about me being risk-averse. My version of taking a risk is not really taking a risk at all... I'm quite a cautious person usually - but can also be quite impulsive at times. It really depends what sort of mood I'm in.

Thanks for your reply x