[momtomany]

My story is not a simple one. I was with my husband when I was a teenager, we had a rocky relationship but loved each other deeply. He cheated on me then because he thought I had done the same to him. My parents moved me away eventually and they blocked his contact with me, destroyed his letters he sent, and I left him believing hat he didn't love me (and I hurt him deeply in the process). When I initiated contact again he had gotten another girl pregnant and was marrying her, so I dropped contact. When we talked again I was about to get married and he was engaged (I did not love my ex-spouse at all, felt I had no where else to go) so, I said nothing and he said nothing and we went on. I married my ex, had three kids, and he broke off his engagement but then got another girl pregnant and married her. In the middle of divorcing her he got her pregnant again. We got back in contact and we both finalized our divorces and got back together and immediately got pregnant with our baby. We have two children now. Our relationship has been very hard due to the past traumas we both have experienced but I believed him when he said he loved me and only me. I found out three years into our marriage that he slept with his ex-wife (the second and most recent one) two times, and on top of that they talked sexually via web cam for hours at a time at least once a week for three years, multiple emails, texts, photos sent back and forth, and constant phone calls. All during this she was calling false reports on myself and him, throwing herself into my custody issues with my ex-husband, keeping the children from him, and bashing me constantly. When I found all the evidence I lost it. I have never loved anyone but him, always. I don't know what to do. He said he did it to manipulate her so she would give him the kids back (she lives in another state) or move back and to show her that she was nothing to him but a piece of ***, so to speak. Although the texts and emails he would tell her that he was going to leave me for her and that he loved her. I know it sounds on the surface that I should just leave but it is not that simple. I love him. I want to be with him. But only if we can be a committed, married couple. I have monitored everything about his actions since I found out 9 months ago (and he slipped up two times and called/video chatted and admitted it, although said it was still just for manipulation). She will always be in our lives and she is an awful person with her treatment of me, my husband, and the kids (she even told them about her and their dad despite the fact the kids are only 6 and 3 years old). We have two kids together, my children and his are best friends (I have 3 from a previous marriage). How can we heal from this? Are my feelings of needing to know everything and have access to everything normal? Is there any hope?

[gayleggg]

Yours is a complicated story. I would consider marriage counseling. He is going to have to earn back your trust and respect. It's going to be a rough road but if the both of you are committed it could work. I would be wary of his continued contact with his ex unless it is about the children.

[Fuzzybear]

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by momtomany

How can we heal from this? Are my feelings of needing to know everything and have access to everything normal? Is there any hope?

Well sadly, it's not so much about you needing to know everything (or not), it's more that he shouldn't need to hide anything. Secrets are terrible for a relationship! I haven't read one thing here to show that he is committed to your marriage moving forward? I understand that you love him, but that by no means is equal to a good relationship, and the mess with his ex-wife proves that he is completely untrustworthy. You seem to be focusing on the actions of his ex-wife when you should hold him accountable for his. You don't "slip up" and accidentally video chat with someone, never mind him cheating on you for years. Is he a good father?