The thread title is my husband's response, complete with the wincing and the head shaking, when I present an idea to him that he thinks, right off the bat, won't work. I've tried to tell him how that reaction makes me feel. He might as well come right out and say, "You're an idiot for coming up with that idea." It's invalidating.

But when I try to tell him that, the ONLY thing he will do is keep repeating the reasons he doesn't think the idea will work.

It's not about the damned idea. I'm not trying to convince him to go along with it if he doesn't want to, but he thinks I am, which is, I suppose, the reason he just keeps on shooting it down.

Instead, my issue is about his dismissive reaction to it. If he thinks my idea won't work, he can say, "Here's my concern about that," or, "Have you thought about...." instead of that wincing, head-shaking, "no-no-no" thing, as if he's just heard the stupidest thing ever said.

Does anybody understand? And is there any way I can communicate this to him?

Of course, half the time he ends up doing what I suggested anyway--but when he does, he'll act like it was HIS idea all along....

[healingme4me]

Some dogs, just cannot learn new tricks. Wish, I had some advice, for you. Just (((hugs)))

[Frankbtl]

Yes, I think I can see what you mean. And I can guess it must be really disheartening, frustrating, dejecting (?) for you.
Just a few suggestions as it sounds like you've already talked to him about how his reaction makes you feel (although make sure he's absolutely clear on that and how you want him to be reacting):
Maybe focus more on the idea itself and putting it across?? Say something like "look I know (any obstacles) but this is what I want and (things that will make it work/important to you)". If it's about him, have a think about any obstacles he might throw up first and get straight in there with solutions/positives as soon as they come up.
Or perhaps just have more confidence in saying "This IS what I WANT".
Or maybe throw it over to him at times e.g. "Look well you have a think about something better, then we can discuss it a bit more". Open up some more discussion.
If the idea isn't going to effect him that much, go do it and give him the really positive feedback afterwards/let him see the results, let him see that you can make really good moves independently.
Sometimes have a couple of ideas, nothing wrong with being open minded, and say "look these are the options, what do you think, which do you think will work better.......or.....?". Then discuss.
This one, not quite so fond of, but if you have to use it to get the message across as to how his reaction makes you feel: React in the exactly same way if he's coming up with something you're not so sure about, and then in a bit let him know that what he might have felt is what he makes you feel when he....
And if he acts like one of your ideas was his idea then make sure you're reminding him whose idea it was.
But ultimately they're just suggestions, if you actually find that his overtones are invalidating in the relationship I'd say you really have to talk to him about this alongside the possible future of the relationship if this continues. You really shouldn't be in a relationship where you are feeling invalidated.
Best wishes
Alison

[Little Lulu]

Lovebird, I've been married 33 years and there are some things my husband have yet to work to each other's satisfaction. That said, we have a good marriage.

You may have already tried this but the next time you present an idea to your husband you thing has potential for the 'No, no, no' response you could preface your statement with something like 'I suspect you won't like this idea and and say No to it, but I think we should __________". This might make the immediate 'No" response a little less certain in his head but even if it doesn't, at least you saw it coming and were prepared ... a sort of preemptive strike.

My husband likes to be right about goofy (in my opinion) things. For example, we will be discussing something like who played the leading role in an old movie and we disagree. Sometimes I say "You are probably right" even when I KNOW I am because it just isn't worth the struggle to me. The last time I did this, he got quiet, thought for a moment, and said 'No, I think YOU are right' ... wow.

[eskielover]

Or you could approach it by saying: "Let's sit down & discuss this situation as if we are BOTH adults".

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I577 using Tapatalk 2

[hvert]

If you figure out how to stop him, I'd love to know too! I have to constantly remind my boyfriend that I find that immediate shut down rude and patronizing. He remembers for a while and then reverts. Is it a gender thing or a personality thing?

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( hugs ))))))))

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

The thread title is my husband's response, complete with the wincing and the head shaking, when I present an idea to him that he thinks, right off the bat, won't work. I've tried to tell him how that reaction makes me feel. He might as well come right out and say, "You're an idiot for coming up with that idea." It's invalidating.

But when I try to tell him that, the ONLY thing he will do is keep repeating the reasons he doesn't think the idea will work.

It's not about the damned idea. I'm not trying to convince him to go along with it if he doesn't want to, but he thinks I am, which is, I suppose, the reason he just keeps on shooting it down.

Instead, my issue is about his dismissive reaction to it. If he thinks my idea won't work, he can say, "Here's my concern about that," or, "Have you thought about...." instead of that wincing, head-shaking, "no-no-no" thing, as if he's just heard the stupidest thing ever said.

Does anybody understand? And is there any way I can communicate this to him?

Of course, half the time he ends up doing what I suggested anyway--but when he does, he'll act like it was HIS idea all along....

Does your husband have BPD?

Originally Posted by leomama

Does your husband have BPD?

No, but Asperger's is a strong possibility.