[Skunky]

I am fortunate that I have a wonderful boyfriend who is compassionate and, to the best of his ability, supportive of me while I fight this latest depressive episode.

However, I am highly adverse to accepting or asking for help, and am incredibly uncomfortable being in a disproportionate relationship. He has been pulling more of his weight than he should, emotionally and financially.

This is a hardship on him. I have told him I need him to set clear boundaries for his own sake as well as mine, and I have told him my health is not his responsibility; he has a daughter and a career, and I don't want him to feel emotionally blackmailed because I am in such a bad place.

On one hand, I wish I was single so I could focus on healing myself without worrying about the burdens I place on loved ones, but on the other I know pushing good people away is the worst thing I can do.

Just wanted to share/vent.

[Verity81]

Hi, I can relate as for the last few months since having a break down I feel guilty that I am a burden to my husband.

He is supportive and loving and does his best but it is hard not to feel guilty I know.

I think maybe we need to practise some self compassion as I think that will help us heal. Beating ourselves up only leads to more feelings of low self worth and depression.

[hvert]

I think it's awesome that you are aware of the need to set good boundaries for his sake as well as your own!

[Skunky]

Thanks, to the both of you.

I'm very aware of boundaries, especially since I barely had any for many year s. Though a lot of hard work with my therapist, I've made a lot of changes. Unfortunately/fortunately, many in my family/social circles couldn't cope with my new "rules of engagement", and I've had to step away for my own good, or for theirs.

I'm trying very hard to be easy on myself, but I can read him too well. He's really having a rough time with this. It's scary for him, especially because I am 100% blunt about how rough the battle is each day not to be overwhelmed by external and internal stresses.

Thanks to CBT, I can look at what's going on with my brain squirrels with cold objectivity. Not so much when trying to empathize with how it affects those I love.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, it sounds like the guilt you're feeling is either coming from your depression or just making it harder to handle. But I'd say that no relationship is ever going to be "proportionate" all the time anyway.
As things happen in life then one or the other person is going to need more from the relationship/more support/more understanding at times.
And I'm sure you've supported your loved one's, one way or another, at times before (you may say in smaller ways, but sometimes those can matter just as much as bigger ways) and there is likely to be a time in the future when you will be giving them support when they really need it too.
As for your boyfriend he is with you for a reason (because he cares about/loves you?) . He's made that choice, why discredit him of being able to make that choice for himself, he clearly wants to be with you. If he's finding things hard that doesn't have to mean that he wants to be with you any the less. If the roles were reversed I'm guessing you might want to be there for him too, right?
But maybe if you talked to him (a bit more) there might be just some small- day-to-day -things you can do for him to make things easier on him, and you.
It is good that you're talking to him about how you're feeling though. If you're worried about him feeling a little "powerless" (?) in all of this, maybe start by letting him know, alongside everything, how important he is to you and how he can support you more (if you're not already doing that?).
And it does sound like CBT is having an effect on you so maybe give it a bit longer, considering how you're feeling. And then if it isn't the thing for you then you can always try something else.
Best wishes
Alison