[MrMister]

I don't know if this goes into "Relationships & Communication" or not but I don't care right now. I just want a place to write my situation and have people give me advice.
So I'll give you a (long) summary of my situation. I have this very close group of friends of about 11 people, we're a family. We can discuss about things that we're not willing to tell anyone else, not even their own real family. But lately, there has been a lot of arguing and drama stirred up in our relationship with each other. I've been trying to father and counsel the situation so much and so often that I've been named "The Counselor" by them. I really, really love them. That's why I try so hard to keep them together. I listen to them, give them advice, comfort them, all the things I can do to keep them happy and together. It's not just me alone doing the "counseling", there is also this girl who I have immense feelings for helping me. She works with the girls while I do my best with the guys (although in general we work with everyone), and together, we both try to keep everyone in the family. I want to tell her I love her, and that she's the most amazing girl I have ever met. My friends have even joked about us going out because we fit each others personality so much. Oh, and we'll call her "Lola" just for the sake of it and I don't want to release her real name. She is everything I can dream of in a girl. Well, almost everything . But the thing is, she has a boyfriend. When I met her, she was single. I wanted to ask her out, but I'm shy and extremely afraid of rejection. So, after a while, someone else asked her out. I was devastated, but I didn't show any emotion. Just a simple "Oh, well I hope he treats you well.". So I'm stuck here, watching her with her oh so lucky boyfriend while thinking what could of been. But that's not the actual problem here, merely a side problem. The real problem is the fact that I've become increasingly sad and angry. As I said before, I counsel everyone. Not just on the arguments and drama between everyone in the group, but problems in their deeper personal life as well. But the thing is, I spend more time solving their problems than my own, so my problems have since doubled. And I don't "vent". My personality is sort of like the front line soldier, taking the pain so that others don't have to while not showing any weakness or emotions at all. So all my sadness and anger has balled up inside me because I don't let it out. I feel that I am burdening people with my problems when I tell them, and I feel like they don't want to hear it. But this has been effecting my relationship towards them. My friends don't say it but they have noticed my ever increasing amount of anger in everyday life. So much that I scare them now. Much more than I use too because I was that big, strong muscle guy in the group that was accused of steroid usage . Now that when they have a problem, they tell Lola instead of me. I feel hurt, I feel like I'm being avoided purposely. But I can't help it when my anger gets the better of me. After a while of being avoided, I acted like I didn't care anymore. I told them that if they need anyone to solve their problems they can, quote, "find someone else to solve your f****** problems, I could care less about any of your God damn problems!". So domino effect, this has led to a bigger increase in my sadness. I feel lonely. I feel left out. And I can't tell them how I am feeling because I feel like that would make me look weak and sad. I mean, how often do you see a big and supposedly strong guy cry while telling the world his problems in life? Fast forward a month later and I am at my breaking point. At that point, I felt extremely depressed and with a dash of extremely angry. I lashed out at them and cried by myself a few times. I broke one night and I just wanted to stab and strangle all of them (but I didn't, obviously). That night is also the first time they have ever seen me cry. Ever. And hopefully the last time because I felt extremely embarrassed and angry at myself for letting weakness show. Things have gotten better since then but I am still very lonely and angry, although not as much as before. Please, I want advice on my situation. A bit of criticizing doesn't hurt too. What should I do given my personality and my situation? I've just been iron manning it but it's also been eating away at me.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, MrMister, and welcome to Psych Central! You are not alone in having such issues. I think some people get labeled as the helpers, as you have, since they are so good at that role. Then, as you are finding out, it's hard, if not impossible, to ask for help. But we all do need someone we can talk to! You can talk to us anyway, while you look for someone to share your concerns with in real life.

I suggest you also seek out a professional counselor. As you also see, it's not good to let your unexpressed feelings build up. Counselors are trained to be good listeners, and you can really open up with them, since they don't share what you say with anyone else. Plus a counselor could help you to become more self-confident and able to ask a girl out. I have found counselors to be very helpful. I was once very shy myself and now am very outgoing and assertive, as my self-esteem has increased.

I am sorry "Lola" has found someone else. Let's hope the relationship will break up and then you will have your chance.

[MrMister]

Thanks very much for the advice! I really appreciate it. I think I will go out and get a counselor, I think it'll feel great to let some thing I've kept end in. Plus I'm starting to feel a lot more angrier now so getting a counselor soon should help.

[healingme4me]

Lots of people get angry when they feel they've let opportunity pass them by. It's too bad, that 'Lola' is now a taken woman, but perhaps recognizing what it is, about her that you admire, you can carry that forward, to seeking someone else? Getting through the anger phase, is a must, however. Even, if shy, there's hope, I'd hope?