[katielee102]

My parents have been married for 40 years in April. I have two younger brothers, one with 2 kids one with baby on the way. I am 35. I don’t think we really ever had a dysfunctional family, we are all successful, etc. But if know my mom has always struggled with depression, there are some instances I remember although she never really admits it. In the last few years she has gotten worse. She quit her job years ago and has been staying at home, all of us are out of the house at this point. One brother in Rhode Island the other in Contact, I am the only one in new jersey as they are but in a bit over an hour away. She has withdrawn, since she is not working we mentioned seeing her family, etc, she never does (sisters, etc). In the last maybe 5 or so years there has been times where my dad has called and said have you talked to your mom, try to get her to do stuff. I do, I try, she will do stuff with me and i try to visit when I can. I try so hard to make her happy. Send her flowers, tell her I love her, etc. I felt like she is lonely etc, but get frustrated (as do my brothers) that she doesn’t visit them as much with all the free time, etc. She spends her time online, on Facebook mainly, it’s so sad.

A few months ago my vented to me, something I didn’t want to know and honestly don’t think is true, she did this over text. She said my dad did something inappropriate to a cousin (tried to kiss her at her wedding) and my mom is miserable, etc. I said mom I don’t know what to tell you, but I also think you should see someone. She said she is fine, she will just live like this. With regard to my cousin, my cousin and I are VERY close and she has no hard feelings toward my dad or anything, although I never mentioned this to anyone. I just at this point, especially now don’t think it’s true. Just to backtrack, my mom always seems miserable and grumpy with my dad when I see them , holidays are terrible because of her mood, etc. This has been for years now , so it’s not a recent thing.

SO, the kicker and issue, my dad is in Africa for work (been there few weeks comes back Sunday). My mom called me last week and said I need to talk to you, I want to take you out to lunch Saturday. I stressed all last week in anticipation. She has NEVER done something like this and wouldn’t tell me anything beforehand. Thoughts were running. I know my brother talked to my dad before he left ( he always does and said my mom doesn’t even talk to him, and my dad thinks my mom things my dad will divorce her when he retires (not true). SO I meet up Saturday for the shock of my life. She said I am leaving your father. She seemed to happy and then she said I never thought this would happen and it’s so weird but I reconnected with someone I used to date in high school. They reconnected on Facebook and basically she is moving to California to be with him!!!! They have been talking for a month, are in love, etc. OH MY GOD!!! She said, she is 62, my dad never says I love you, never calls her beautiful and she is tired of taking care of him. She said she wants to do stuff her now. Her mom died at 62 and she doesn’t know when she will.

She was telling me all about this guy all giddy and stuff, and saying we will be a family, etc. She said she will come home for all the grandkids etc. But she won’t. This is terrible and I’m so upset.

Worst thing is I am the only one that knows. My dad is in Africa as is my other brother (different places for work, both back this weekend). She wanted to tell my brothers before my dad, I said you should have told him before me, you need to tell him, not them first. She said ok. So here I am lying to my brothers, my dad. My poor dad emailed me and said to call mom, make sure she is ok because she is not responding to him. It’s horrible lying and knowing what is coming. I just am so scared/sad/broken. She was supposed to be in the delivery room with my youngest brothers wife in April because her mom went crazy and will not be there. She told me she probably won’t be. How selfish!!! I don’t know what my dad will do. I am so sad so worried about everyone. I feel like I lost my mom when for years I’ve not slept worrying about her.

Back to not sleeping again ƒ¼ I can¡¦t handle it. I want to tell my brothers but its not for me to yet feel terrible since I know. I cant talk to anyone.

Thank you for any advice,my family has never been through ANYTHING like this. Cant belive she is up and leaving

Anyone been through this?

[avlady]

i havn't been through this myself but i know several married couples that at about age 60 on split up, even with several children, i guess they feel they don't have much time left and wish for something better or different thinking the grass is greener on the other side. your mom sounds like she is getting herself deeper and deeper into trouble, she will have to see for herself, so i would just talk to her about it and warn her of the consequenses of her actions.

[punkybrewster6k]

o boy.
I agree with avlady.
This seems like a late life crisis. And I have to tell you, there really is nothing you can do to change it at this point I dont think.
This is something that probably has to play itself out and see what happens. The problem is, everyone involved gets hurt.
Im sorry this is happening and is so hard to deal with Katie. Please keep posting if it helps. We are all here to listen.

[hannabee]

I don't think anyone can understand what your Mom is going through. Unfortunately, you don't really know what the relationship was like between your parents and many people stay with a spouse for the sake of their children..I think it is somewhat noble, but the "experts" say you shouldn't do that. Anyway, being 61 myself, I do know that life finally starts to feel finite and it is not a good feeling to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy.
she is apparently unhappy. I know your Dad will be devastated, but I think most men react better to this sort of thing than women do. He will probably find someone new who will treat him the way he deserves to be treated. Maybe you can even help him with that when things settle down a bit.
I can understand your feelings and I hope you are able to come to terms with them. Good luck and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

[healingme4me]

Sorry you are going through this, and left alone with the news. From what you have written, some of the expressions, she has used, sound like, there may have been built up resentment through the years.

It's not entirely, uncommon, for couples to stick it out, in marriage, for the sake of children. It might not, entirely be a late life crisis. It will be rough on all of you, involved.

She's a grown woman, making her own life choices, at this point. I hope, you have your own support system through this. Sounds like, she trusts you enough, to express this to you. Sometimes, grown moms, just need a supportive friend, in their grown children.

[hamster-bamster]

I think you are being put in a difficult spot having to tell lies, and it is unfair to you. Tell your mom to tell the dad and brothers, and if she doesn't, then you will tell them next time they contact you.

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