[BarelyMakingIt]

I will try to sum this up as best as I can. I was seeing a guy for about 6 months, about a month ago he just stopped talking to me. Initially I panicked and sent a lot of emotional texts off and on for about 2 weeks as well as a couple of messages on Facebook. He ignored all of them. I believe that I have borderline personality disorder so when I became a little more clear headed I sent him an apology for my actions during the time he stopped talking tome and also while we together. It wasn't until an incident with him that I realized I might have BPD so I also apologized for how I acted when we were still on good terms. I was really, really struggling. I let him know that I didn't think we should get back together because that is how I felt at the time but I would still keep a friendship if possible.

I haven't heard from him since then and my feelings have been all over the place. I have gone from wanting to leave him alone altogether to missing him so bad that it hurts. Last night I really wanted to send him a final email letting him know all of the things he did that made me feel he was never really there for me or supportive of me and ending everything so I could finally end the anticipation of hearing from him. I fought the urge and I did not send it. It's just so hard wondering why he isn't talking to me, I know that it probably has nothing to do with me but I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me. I really considered him a good friend and even told him about my possible BPD but he didn't seem to show any interest or concern. I had and still do have really strong feelings for him so I am having a hard time just letting go with no closure. I'm thinking of just calling him and asking him if everything is ok but I know that is probably not a good idea.

I never know what to do,when I operate based on my emotions it is usually the wrong thing. I'm also worried that my apology scared him away even more. I just know that I can't continue to be the only one trying to make amends anymore. I do know that I've already said and done way too much especially considering that I have no idea why he stopped answering me in the first place. Just letting go is so hard and I do feel really let down.

I'm just hoping I can get some advice on how to deal with this and if I should take anymore actions or just let it be at this point.

[Focusonthenow]

Barely Making It,
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in the 'No Contact' struggle. I recently split for good with a guy i had been seeing off and on for about a year. I know that there were so many ways in which he was never going to be the right one for me but part of me still feels this need to try to make him understand my perspective. And try to make him see how much his lies hurt me.

I am trying to be okay with the fact that he never will. No matter how eloquent and well thought I present it, I know that he won't get it; that he has made it clear that he isn't, for whatever reason, interested in talking about it or in sharing his own feelings.

I hate hate feeling like this and knowing I will never know what he thinks or what he truly felt for me. But trying to engage him I know will not increase his or my understanding and I will end up feeling even more rejected and betrayed. That thought keeps me on the no contact road. I know if I contact him I will end up feeling even worse.

Obviously each situation is different but I wanted to let you know someone else is also struggling. My only advice is to think about whether contacting him again will really change anything or give you new information.or whether ithe response is likely to be more silence and feeling worse.

Sending you hugs and strength. I know you will figure out what is best for you.

As hard as it is sweetie I think he's a typically selfish male �� that doesn't want commitment or maybe he's scared of the unknown ? Either way u deserve better �� xxx
For me I'd go out and do what I wanted and if he comes back it's meant to be ... If u want him back by then that is xxx

[hvert]

Congratulations on resisting the urge to contact him! I've also had terrible struggles with that in the past. From my own experience, it seems to be a fairly typical male/female pattern, where the guy just cuts off all communication and the woman is left to wonder why.

He will never give you what you want, no matter how many times you ask. Letting it be is the best thing you can do. Any closure you get will come from you, not him.

Originally Posted by BarelyMakingIt

It's just so hard wondering why he isn't talking to me, I know that it probably has nothing to do with me but I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me.

Why do people do this? I don't understand, because it's painful for the one on the receiving end.

I've been in a situation where upon recognizing that my communication with another was waning, gave him multiple outs. Plently of opportunity for him to say "you're right, I can't do this friendship anymore", but he never took them. Instead, he opted for silence, so I was the one to end communication. He never even had the courtesy to say goodbye at that point.

Yeah. I'm still angry and heartbroken. And it's been a long time.

Man, f people without the guts to tell someone goodbye. He doesn't deserve your time anymore.

Men r usually cowardice in that way.... If they're dragged up instead of brought up xxx

[Focusonthenow]

I think muaythailady88 and FrightenedRabbit nailed it. It is cowardice on their part.

I'm finding that really helpful to look at my own situation in that way now. The reasons for being unwilling to really talk to me are cowardice and fear on his part. Over which I have no control and which I can't force them to confront. It at least gives me a little insight and understanding to what is going on. And tells me not to expect more from him. The relationship falling apart had to do with both of us, but the way it ended and since? Not on me.

BarelyMakingIt--it sounds like your situation may be similar in that whatever led to the break up, the unwillingness to talk about it now likely has less to do with you or the specifics of the relationship and more to do with his fear/cowardice and inability to face things. It is unkind on his part and painful for you but I would guess that it is based on his not having the guts to have what might be an uncomfortable conversation for him. I know it's hard to hit pause and not contact when you want to have your questions answered so badly. My ex and I texted a lot--so I have deleted his contact information. Oh, I still have it on paper (not that strong yet) but I don't carry it with me and that extra time it would take me to find his cell phone number and enter it into my phone has, so far, kept me from sending that random text that I know I will regret.

[BarelyMakingIt]

Originally Posted by Focusonthenow

Barely Making It,
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in the 'No Contact' struggle. I recently split for good with a guy i had been seeing off and on for about a year. I know that there were so many ways in which he was never going to be the right one for me but part of me still feels this need to try to make him understand my perspective. And try to make him see how much his lies hurt me.

I am trying to be okay with the fact that he never will. No matter how eloquent and well thought I present it, I know that he won't get it; that he has made it clear that he isn't, for whatever reason, interested in talking about it or in sharing his own feelings.

I hate hate feeling like this and knowing I will never know what he thinks or what he truly felt for me. But trying to engage him I know will not increase his or my understanding and I will end up feeling even more rejected and betrayed. That thought keeps me on the no contact road. I know if I contact him I will end up feeling even worse.

Obviously each situation is different but I wanted to let you know someone else is also struggling. My only advice is to think about whether contacting him again will really change anything or give you new information.or whether ithe response is likely to be more silence and feeling worse.

Sending you hugs and strength. I know you will figure out what is best for you.

Yes! Thank you so much for your response! It's so confusing because I'm feeling like everything is final, it's been just over a month so far but because he hasn't let me know anything I've been left to make my own conclusions. I want to do like you stated, let him know all of the ways he let me down only because he isn't stepping up to take any accountability. I'm pretty sure it was just fall on deaf ears though and would only do more damage. I don't want to today as much as I did yesterday so I guess that counts for something. I'm also starting to care less about why he doesn't want to talk to me. I'm still flip flopping but everyday letting go is getting a little bit easier.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing and your perspective has helped me a lot, thank you. I hope things get easier for you as well.

Originally Posted by BarelyMakingIt

It's so confusing because I'm feeling like everything is final, it's been just over a month so far but because he hasn't let me know anything I've been left to make my own conclusions.

Sadly, I've become a really good online creeper in response to the absence of contact. He doesn't have FB though...thank goodness.

[BarelyMakingIt]

Originally Posted by muaythailady88

As hard as it is sweetie I think he's a typically selfish male �� that doesn't want commitment or maybe he's scared of the unknown ? Either way u deserve better �� xxx
For me I'd go out and do what I wanted and if he comes back it's meant to be ... If u want him back by then that is xxx

You're absolutely right. I'm sure he just stayed around and pretended to care for as long as it was convenient for him. I definitely got played, I think since I've been removed from the situation for a few weeks I can see it clearly but before I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he actually gave a damn. If he comes back I definitely won't be jumping back into anything,for me it would and I can't say how I would feel until that day comes so who really knows? Thanks for your input sweetie!

[Scotty204]

Sorry this happened to you. He sounds like a coward to me. Whether he found someone else or just wanted an easy way out you are better off without him. He clearly has no respect for others and that to me means he's a very selfish person. It's gonna hurt for a while but it will get better with time

[Melodic]

I'm sorry you have been through so much, and have suffered so much under the hands of this extremely selfish person. I can understand the BPD aspects and how it makes you act crazy, emotional and irrational. I also understand the extreme urge to contact and hear from him. To have someone you care about leave you would be incredible painful, let alone someone who cuts you off completely and abandons you like that, without any closure whatsoever.

He just completely stopped talking to you, without any explanation. It just leaves you hanging, wondering if you did something wrong, wondering if you could have done something better, wondering if he will come back? I think you deserve so much more than this! Whether he is a coward, or he simply doesn't care enough, this is not someone you want to be with, or even be acquainted with. Someone who respects you would give closure and explanation, at least let you know it's not working and that it's over. He has no respect for your relationship.

I think it'll be extremely hard to get through it, but it's clear that it's completely over and the best thing would be to let go as best as you can. If he does contact you again, please do not cave in and accept him back into your life. Or if you do, do it knowing that he may do such a thing again, and do not invest yourself emotionally in him; trust would be near impossible to regain.

[kirby777]

Hi-

I was dating someone in their 40's (not a kid) for 23 months. He NEVER told me it was over, He just never answered the phone, texts, emails, the phone at work (this really stabs my heart, he actually picked up the phone and kept on saying "hello", then told his boss someone was making a prank call WTH??). After 2 weeks I knew it was over. I just could not believe someone who "loved me" could not even text or leave a voicemail that it was over. Zero integrity. It angered me, depressed me, and almost destroyed me.

You deserve better...please know this.

[avlady]

Yes i would say to not try to contact him, if he wants to he will get in touch with you, he is a coward for not being able to let you know where he stands with you, he would have called by now if he was going to persue this relationship. You never know though there may be some reason he isn't calling maybe he has his own mental issues and is scared to continue because he is scared of committment, or got himself over his head right now and may be just scared to continue the relationship. Good luck!!

[healingme4me]

I agree with the coward word being used in response to what happened to you. Regardless, if you have BPD or not, disappearing without the ability to say, one way or the other that things are over and why, shows he seems to appear to have a fear of confrontation.

A person that knows how to respect themselves and others, will be able to assert this and address it, and not leave another out hanging around in limbo land.

So sorry, that this happened to you. You deserve better than the guessing game.

[PeachCream22]

You are not alone. I understand completely. There is no reason for him to not contact you .... but of course, you yourself know him best. Is there a VERY good and VALID reason for his behavior? Perhaps he is protecting you from something that happened?

Or he's just a cowardly and selfish person. My ex was like that. All he did was keep me hanging because it was convenient for him while he chased another girl. I'll never be a victim again. Let it go. it's hard. But try. It's better than doing nothing day and day weeping about someone who doesn't care. Try and if you fail, you're ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS welcome to talk about it here.

[x_BabyG_x]

I'm going through the same thing!! Why do guys do this I don't understand? I'm so hurt!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah the lad I was with for 4 years didn't even txt me a goodbye.... It was then I found out I was cheated on.

2 years on and ave found someone more special and respectful xxx you will too

[pickwick6]

Hi...
I have been going through a similar situation and have found that I will never be able to say, explain or do enough to make the relationship work. I think you need to let yourself off the hook... this is something he will not change and I think it is about more than cowardice. Try googling this... silent treatment and emotional abuse... You may see his actions and your responses are textbook with this pattern of behavior. Knowledge is empowering... you are great just the way you are...

[x_BabyG_x]

http://www.no2abuse.com/index.php/ar...-teresa-cooper

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[hamster-bamster]

You seem to have self-dx'd with BPD in response to your feelings and actions in connection with this lad. But he is too weird himself, so I would caution against being too quick to pronounce yourself borderline. What you described does not sound like borderline on your part.

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

[BarelyMakingIt]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You seem to have self-dx'd with BPD in response to your feelings and actions in connection with this lad. But he is too weird himself, so I would caution against being too quick to pronounce yourself borderline. What you described does not sound like borderline on your part.

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

Thank you for your input. I do agree with you, but there have been past instances as well. With him, I was trying not to repeat past behavior and when I was unable to control it that's when I knew there was something serious going on. There were also other things that happened that I didn't mention here that made me believe that after I researched it. He definitely has his own issues, he was always very withdrawn and had problems opening up. There were more signs but I guess I just didn't want to see them. I have still been going back and forth with the way I felt until recently, I'm glad he's gone now he really did me a favor. I just can't respect the way that he did it.

[BarelyMakingIt]

Thank you to everyone that replied, I had to take some time off of here. I did end up getting back in contact with him no good came of it. Now I am done with the situation, I don't need any closure at all from him. I was holding onto everything that didn't get a chance to happen and what I had planned for but now I no longer care. I wrote a few letters when I had things come to mind but I didn't send them but it did help me feel a little better. I'm still not completely over it but I'm getting there, focusing on other things to try to keep it off of my mind. Thank you to all of you that had an encouraging word, it really helped me and I'm sorry for all of you that has experienced the same thing. This is one of the worst things that someone could do to anyone that they claim to care for. I hope you all are also are able to or have healed from the pain and never have to go through it again.

[raphael4]

Originally Posted by BarelyMakingIt

I will try to sum this up as best as I can. I was seeing a guy for about 6 months, about a month ago he just stopped talking to me. Initially I panicked and sent a lot of emotional texts off and on for about 2 weeks as well as a couple of messages on Facebook. He ignored all of them. I believe that I have borderline personality disorder so when I became a little more clear headed I sent him an apology for my actions during the time he stopped talking tome and also while we together. It wasn't until an incident with him that I realized I might have BPD so I also apologized for how I acted when we were still on good terms. I was really, really struggling. I let him know that I didn't think we should get back together because that is how I felt at the time but I would still keep a friendship if possible.

I haven't heard from him since then and my feelings have been all over the place. I have gone from wanting to leave him alone altogether to missing him so bad that it hurts. Last night I really wanted to send him a final email letting him know all of the things he did that made me feel he was never really there for me or supportive of me and ending everything so I could finally end the anticipation of hearing from him. I fought the urge and I did not send it. It's just so hard wondering why he isn't talking to me, I know that it probably has nothing to do with me but I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me. I really considered him a good friend and even told him about my possible BPD but he didn't seem to show any interest or concern. I had and still do have really strong feelings for him so I am having a hard time just letting go with no closure. I'm thinking of just calling him and asking him if everything is ok but I know that is probably not a good idea.

I never know what to do,when I operate based on my emotions it is usually the wrong thing. I'm also worried that my apology scared him away even more. I just know that I can't continue to be the only one trying to make amends anymore. I do know that I've already said and done way too much especially considering that I have no idea why he stopped answering me in the first place. Just letting go is so hard and I do feel really let down.

I'm just hoping I can get some advice on how to deal with this and if I should take anymore actions or just let it be at this point.

Your problem is common believe it or not. I feel like he didn't love you and it is easier for him just to walk away and ignore you. I'm sorry but I feel like all your attempts to get him back will be fruitless. He might think that he just doesn't want to deal with your emotional struggles, but if he cares for you this should not matter. Let him go for now and wait about 4-6 months and then when you contact him don't try to apologize, just start over like it's all new again. Hopefully you will have your life together by then and if he cares he will see it.

I would like to say that I understand your problem. As a man I had a very similar problem with a girl that I was with for seven years. She has BPD and had been committed three times before I met her. Only was the first time involuntary for her. When we first met she told me all of this. I continued to see her and we became quite fond of each other. I visited her at her home often, I listened to her, comforted her and one night I was sleeping over at her house when she had a nightmare that caused her to wake up kicking and screaming. I knew she had been treated badly in her earlier years. I saw how she was living now and a year after we had been dating we decided to move into my place together (she was living in a bad neighborhood). I wanted to take care of her. We stayed together for another six years and were going to get married. One night she came home from work, she was in a very confused state and she left me. I have not heard from her since and its been over a year now. Her sister said that it was most likely due to that she was afraid of hurting me in a physical way. I have tried to contact her, but she does not respond. I know that she would never hurt me but BPD keeps her constantly living in fear. Some say that I should just walk away. Why should I deal with her emotions--It's because I care about her and still love her even now. I am moving on with my life but at the same time I am hoping we will someday reunite.