[hvert]

My boyfriend (have lived together six years) volunteers once or twice a month at a weekend sporting event in the summer. Each spring the guys get together to split up the shifts.

Two years ago, my boyfriend accidentally volunteered for ALL of the holiday weekends. Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Columbus Day. We often turn those three day weekends into four day canoe trips, so it was a huge disappointment.

Last year I gave him a list of the holiday dates so he would know what they were in advance. It worked out okay. He volunteered for some but not all. That's fine.

I gave him a list again this year. He even asked me to print it out for him, so it's not like I am shoving it down his throat. I looked at his schedule and saw that he had volunteered for EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY again. I got mad and asked him why he had done that. He got mad at me for 'scolding' him, which made me even madder. Finally he left the house.

I don't really know what I should have done instead. I am still mad that we won't be taking any long weekend trips this summer. He claims it was an accident that he signed up for all the holidays and I believe him, but I am not sure how to stop being mad. I am also mad that he is mad at ME.

Sorry, this is mostly just a rant, I guess.

[kaliope]

remember that anger is a secondary emotion. we feel something we don't know how to deal with so we get angry in response to it. I think you were disappointed in your boyfriend for signing up for all the holidays and your response was to be angry, not knowing how to express the disappointment. so then what is the original feeling behind your response of him being mad at you? learn how to deal with those original feelings and you wont have the anger to deal with. take care.

[healingme4me]

The 'scolding' part, could be a lingering carry over from how it drudges up memories, from his own childhood. The concept of being told that you were 'scolding' him, now carries over to your knowledge and/or feeling of his being 'mad at you.' Which, I would guess wasn't your intent to leave him feeling that way?

kaliope raises a valid point.

It's great that he likes to volunteer as much as he does, yet, every single holiday does indeed take away from your couple time. It's not fair, of him, to not place your needs and vacation time into account, before signing up for these events.

Maybe, the two of you can compromise, aside from your having to print out a list, if he is serious about your relationship, it's up to him, to show some consideration. When the sign up sheet comes along, perhaps he could stop, think, say, let me fill in my time, after he double checks the two of yours vacation schedule.

It's understandable to be angry, frustrated, disappointed, etc. It doesn't come across as a desire to scold him, just sounds frustrated since your need for consideration isn't taken into account.

[hvert]

Thank you both for your insightful comments! I hadn't heard about anger being a secondary emotion. Yes, I was incredibly disappointed when I saw that he had signed up for all the holidays, especially since he was under the impression he was on the hook for just one.

Maybe I did mean to scold him. I'll have to be careful not to do that next time, as you are right that he has some childhood memories about being scolded for things that shouldn't have mattered.

But I had color coded the list! We had talked about it just before he left for his meeting. How could he forget? I still don't get it. He told me that he is just an absent-minded person and that's not going to change.

Maybe my problem or primary feeling here is that I can't stand this outcome but there's nothing else I can do to change it. He has said he will try to switch days with someone, but that's not likely. He got stuck with those dates because no one jumped in to volunteer, so he did, trying to be helpful.