Avoidant Attachment Style

bagels300 · Mar 17, 2014 at 06:34 PM

Hello!

Some of you might remember that I posted a while back regarding the fact that I'm a 25 year old woman and have avoided any kind of romantic relationship up until know.

I'm currently in the early stages (We've been 'dating' each other since before Christmas but are taking things veeery slowly) of a relationship with a guy who is very understanding and is not trying to rush me. So far we have got as far as a kiss on the cheek and cuddling (pathetic I know) and we probably spend time with each other about twice a week.
I still feel quite anxious around him. I feel like I want to see him when I'm not with him, but then when we're together I feel like I want to 'escape' and I feel huge release of tension when I leave.

Recently I was reading about attachment types and something really struck a chord with me.

Quote:

AVOIDANT
It is important for you to maintain your independence and you often prefer autonomy to intimacy. While you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length. You don’t spend much time worrying about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partner and they often complain that you are distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for signs of control or impingement by your partner.
Whether you are single or in a relationship, you are always keeping people at a distance by using various ‘deactivating strategies’. These include:

Saying ‘I’m not ready to commit’- but staying together, sometimes for years;
Focusing on imperfections in your partner: the way he talks, dresses etc;
Pining after an ex or waiting for The One;
Flirting with others to introduce insecurity into the relationship;
Not saying ‘I love you’- while implying you do have feelings for them;
Pulling away when it’s going well (eg not calling after an intimate date);
Forming impossible relationships, such as with a married man;
Avoiding physical closeness - for example, not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.
If you’re avoidant, you use these strategies to make sure the person you love won’t get in the way of your autonomy. But, at the end of the day, these tools are standing in the way of you being happy in a relationship.

This sounds like a very accurate description of how I feel about having a partner. Is this what is stifling my ability to be romantically close with other people? It would make more sense to me than asexuality. It feels like I want to want a relationship but I don't know how. I'm hoping getting some experience will help me swallow my pride and open up a bit. I feel like I'm 'giving in' when I open up to somebody emotionally.

The strange thing is that a lot of people would probably associate the issues I have with a traumatic or neglected childhood or sexual abuse, but I'm fortunate enough not to have gone through anything so terrible. I'm close with my family and to all intents and purposes I am a normal functioning adult (other than my anxiety and depression issues that are reasonably mild now).

Can anybody else relate to this attachment style?

(Sorry if this was a bit disjointed, I have a lot of thoughts going around my head at the moment >_<)

Mar 17, 2014 at 10:17 PM

I have several of those behaviors and was told years ago that I scored highly for avoidant personality traits when tested by a psych dept. I'm married to a retired soldier so have spent many years separated...even when he was 'home'. The last 4 yrs he is here on wknds, he works in another state and commutes. I'm happy with that.

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Avoidant Attachment Style

My Support Forums

Anonymous100104 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 17, 2014 at 10:17 PM #2 I have several of those behaviors and was told years ago that I scored highly for avoidant personality traits when tested by a psych dept. I'm married to a retired soldier so have spent many years separated...even when he was 'home'. The last 4 yrs he is here on wknds, he works in another state and commutes. I'm happy with that.
	Reply With Quote