[UniversalTruth]

Husband and I have been married just over 5 years. We are struggling since we had 1st baby 3 years ago and I suffered from Post Partum that was not diagnosed until after baby #2 turned 1 this summer. I was hard to live with, to say the least. We stopped having sex and he avoided being around me which made the depression worse and worse. I was miserable. He was miserable. We fought all the time and I would fly off the handle with anger and rage at him because he wasnt doing his part as a father. He recently told me of his misery and we are working towards getting back on track and living the life we always wanted together. I am trying to give him space... he needs more time than me to heal and I just want to move forward and start being happy. I feel crazy regret, shame and guilt over pushing him so far away... he wont even sleep in the same bed as me. However, things are improving... we are intimate again and he is around and helping more with the family.

So, now I am struggling with jealousy - maybe? I am not sure if it is jealousy. I feel scared about losing him because he is growing very close to 2 girls that he works with. They are sisters. One is a recent divorcee. Other is younger and also single. They live together and he puts a lot of energy into doing funny/creative/sweet/work pranks together for them.

So, husband tells me that the younger sister recently confided in him with all of her darkest secrets. She is a closet oxy addict for the last 6-8 years. She recently found out that she was molested for years by her older brother. The addiction was causing her to bury these terrible memories and she found out through a family member who had admitted the same thing had happened to her.

Since husband told me about all of this, he has speant a great deal of time on assisting her with her emotional issues. He is also assisting the older sister with the situation because the older sister only knows about the molestation and thinks that little sister is pushing her away... and older sister is running to my husband for advice.

These freinds are suffering. I have a great understanding and respect for what they are going through, especially the little sister.

My husband wanted my opinion on little sister. I told him that she is not in a position to make healthy male relationships right now because of her addiction and her need to address her sexually traumatic experiences. Until she is clean and going through therapy… then I would be confident she could hold a healthy friendship with him. But, the fact is right now, she cannot. I am not saying that their friendship isn’t real… I am saying it is not healthy.

Please understand that I am not judging or disrespecting her in any way when I say this… I am just not the type of girl who befriends a married man with children to confess all of my secrets to him and only him. It isnt my style... nor would I associate with someone like that.

I asked him then if he thinks that she has feelings for him that go beyond friendship and he said yes. I repeated how I felt that his friendship with her is actually hurting her in the long run and affecting our marriage. I asked him to reverse the roles… if I was the one with a single male friend placing so much on me. He said that he didn’t think it would be right or good for our marriage and that he would not be comfortable. I asked him if he has feelings for her that go beyond friendship and he said that he does feel protective over her because she is in a life/death situation due to her addiction. I told him that I understand the situation he is in and that he will eventually have to tell her how unfair it is for her to be putting him in this position. I cautioned him that there may be a trap waiting for him here, also… that could endanger our relationship.

My husband has been put in a rough place by people who are complete strangers to me at a time when he and I need to be concentrating most of our energy on each other.

I, myself was molested by a brother, raped by a friend of his, molested by a friend of his and also molested by a boy at school. I have come to terms with these things from my past and healed as much as anyone can. It was a very difficult process – but I got through it. However, I have never had an addiction (let alone a secret one) to also contend with. This girl has some BIG issues. She is a nice girl… just not the type of person I am attracted to for a friendship.

I obviously know that my husband is a great guy and can see why she would chose him to run to - but I think it isnt appropriate. I am struggling with feeling really jealous or nervous and I cannot sleep because I worry that she is capable of driving a wedge into the open space between my husband and I. I literally get a pang of pain in my chest when I think of them together. They hang out frequently... outside of work.

I hate that she has been through so much - but I want her to disappear from our lives and get help from someone else. I would move to the other side of the country if that is what it takes.

I struggle with calling her. I struggle with telling her sister about her addiction.

Plus, I am trying to keep my head cool over the situation so my husband continues to stay open with me about it.

I dont know what to do.

Sorry if my post seems like a random stream of thought.

Thank you for reading and thank you for responding.

[Soul Quake]

he and I need to be concentrating most of our energy on each other.

You got that right. It sounds as though his primary concern is playing psychologist with his co-workers. That isn't his job. Have you considered counseling?
This is emotionally cheating, plain and simple.

[scorpiosis37]

You're absolutely right that your husband's friendship with this girl may be harming her more than it is helping her. Given her sexual abuse history, turning to a male who she may be attracted to in order to help her with these issues sounds totally counter-productive (and potentially harmful). She needs help from a trained therapist in order to process and deal with her difficult issues. Help from someone without the proper training (despite their good intentions)may very well make her problems worse-- not to mention the fact that they seem to harming your marriage with your husband.

Can you explain to him that his involvement may actually harm this girl? That the best thing he can do to help her is to support her in finding a qualified therapist?

[UniversalTruth]

Thank you for your responses so far. It is really difficult to see clearly right now because I feel that I have no real aptitude to handle this situation – for several reasons… I cannot be impartial.

I have told him that this very young girl needs therapy and he agrees. He has told her that she needs therapy. There are times that he has admitted he is not comfortable with the position he is in because he knows his family comes first but right now… because he literally feels responsible for her life – he is putting her first. He also admitted loving feelings towards her… he cares for her deeply. He is so very defensive of the situation he is in with her. I don’t think he can see clearly and if something were to happen to her – he would blame himself no matter what. I would rather not have him blame me if I were to tell him to end the friendship. Besides, he seems to be on a crusade to “do what is right.”

It hurts knowing he is closer to her emotionally. It is driving me crazy… I literally want to check his phone all the time to see what they talk about or put a listening device of some sort in his vehicle because I am just so lost as to what to do about this.

It is so difficult to know what to do without pushing him further away.

[Anika.]

I think considering your recent troubles in your marriage and both of your resolution to solve them, he really does need to stop and step back.

His relationship with her doesn't seem very appropriate for a married man. He also acknowledged he would not be comfortable if it were reversed.

He had also admitted to having loving and deep feelings for her. And I wonder if all his intentions are quite all about helping her and not some about his own wants or a bit selfish. Knowing it could hatm her as well as his marriage does seem a bit selfish. Like he is also getting something out of this for himself.

Sometimes the best way to help someone is to direct them to the proper help and remove yourself if it is not really healthy. It sounds tho that he is using her problems as a an excuse to continue doing something he knows is hurtful to your relationship. Justifying it.

It does not sound like your husband is really considering your feelings here. He is putting you in a bad position, and you should not have to tip toe around it in order to feel any security. That is not healthy either.

I'm sorry, that is just how I see it. I think you are being more than fair and giving, maybe too much so. Your needs matter too. I think your feelings on the matter are quite rational and on the impartial part... this is your marriage, you are not supposed to be impartial always.

I am not suggesting your husband is physically cheating but it does sound as tho he may be emotionally having an afair. Or that he is just really stepping over you without reguard to your feelings. He does need to decide if he wants this marriage to work. It is not all up to you.

As far as the friends, they are not the only ones putting him in this position, he does have a choice and a role in that matter. No one can force you to feel or be responsible for another. Not only that it is impossible to be responsible for another adults life.

Your husband might be a great guy, but I don't think he is being a great guy at the moment to anyone involved .It would seem like a more appropriate place to be spending his time would be with his two small children and maybe in couples counselling. That might be a good idea if you two do not already do that.

Has he adressed his drinking and pot use? Has he been any more supportive towards you and the changes you have been making? Has he been more helpful with the children or the other duties ?

[hamster-bamster]

I think you need to explain to him that this girl has positioned herself as a typical "damsel in distress", and he is biting the bait.

This is really all there is to it.

[hamster-bamster]

Also, please make sure you do not let this erode your self-confidence and self-esteem. It is not that these ladies are in any way funnier, warmer, more attractive, or "better" than you are, in any way. They are damsels in distress, the particular kind of their distress (of sexual nature and/or "dark" nature) makes them very appealing, the twistedness of the situation (the little sister confided in him saying that she has feeling for him) etc. makes them yet more appealing, and the forbidden fruit element involved in all of that ups their appeal factor yet further.

[Multiple survivor]

Maybe he is a "fixer" or maybe he feels he is no longer needed by u as much. Doesn't justify his [crusade to “do what is right.”] for someone else who clearly needs professional help. The children are the actual ones who r suffering with the situation. Primary concern for the delicate psyches of these very vulnerable children should b the main focus for u both. I hope he will make them a priority. Prayers and best wishes

[Multiple survivor]

[QUOTE=hamster-bamster;3237036]Also, please make sure you do not let this erode your self-confidence and self-esteem. It is not that these ladies are in any way funnier, warmer, more attractive, or "better" than you are, in any way. They are damsels in distress, the particular kind of their distress (of sexual nature and/or "dark" nature) makes them very appealing, the twistedness of the situation (the little sister confided in him saying that she has feeling for him) etc. makes them yet more appealing, and the forbidden fruit element involved in all of that ups their appeal factor yet further.
I COULD NOT AGREE MORE HAMSTER BAMPSTER!!

[cnfused.girl]

The whole situation is something unusual because maybe your husband is just a caring individual who thinks he can fix everyone. The little sisters background sounds a little too similar to yours and that's what triggers uncertainty to me. Seems like your husband likes to save the damsels in distress. You've got your head on right so now he's growing closer to the next person who needs him. He may be the type of man that needs to be needed. I don't know but I don't like the situation and I think it needs to stop!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by UniversalTruth

Thank you for your responses so far. It is really difficult to see clearly right now because I feel that I have no real aptitude to handle this situation – for several reasons… I cannot be impartial.

I have told him that this very young girl needs therapy and he agrees. He has told her that she needs therapy. There are times that he has admitted he is not comfortable with the position he is in because he knows his family comes first but right now… because he literally feels responsible for her life – he is putting her first. He also admitted loving feelings towards her… he cares for her deeply. He is so very defensive of the situation he is in with her. I don’t think he can see clearly and if something were to happen to her – he would blame himself no matter what. I would rather not have him blame me if I were to tell him to end the friendship. Besides, he seems to be on a crusade to “do what is right.”

It hurts knowing he is closer to her emotionally. It is driving me crazy… I literally want to check his phone all the time to see what they talk about or put a listening device of some sort in his vehicle because I am just so lost as to what to do about this.

It is so difficult to know what to do without pushing him further away.

UniversalTruth, I do not think this is jealousy per se. I think it is deep bitterness that you are feeling, because you have cared enough not to divorce him even though there were good reasons to, and, instead of appreciation, you got... this.

I do not think that you should check his phone or spy on his conversations. It will only make you feel crummier (that you stooped that that level). Plus, if he finds out that you have been spying on him, two bad things would happen:

1) it would push him away (and you do not want to push him further away)
2) it would give him a bit of an "moral upper hand" because you'd be violating his privacy; right now, you are in an impeccable position in that he consults with you, shares his feelings with you, etc. If you finds out that you have been spying on him, this impeccable position will go away - instead, there would be a mess. A huge mess. Don't go there.

If you want to be blunt, tell him this:

"Look, this is what the future holds for you if you continue to play the role of the knight in shining armor:

- one day you will be woken up from your sleep at 3AM by a phone call, and will rush to the side of the oxy addict who has found herself on the wrong side of the law due to the addiction, and would need bail money (H-B: I do not know anything about oxy addiction, so maybe this particular scenario is too drastic, but you get my general point)

- one day, you will find yourself in a bind because you will be the holder of all the secret information that these sisters hide from one another (the older one does not know about the addiction), and you will have to walk on a tight rope to ensure that you do not disclose anybody's secret to her sister without her approval

- and one day, finally, you will find yourself having sex with the little one, because you will want to give her the experience of having a respectful, caring male partner - the poor little thing has been feeling so much pain stemming from sexual molestation that a relationship with a man who is sexually kind to her is right what the doctor ordered. And you will be doing this as an act of loving kindness no less - the ultimate loving kindness a knight in shining armor can give to a damsel in distress. Which is all fine, and definitely the logical next step in your crusade to "do what's right", except that when it happens, you will need to separate from me because I won't want to be in your way. No, I would want you to focus all your attention on those who need it the most - the two sisters. I will not interfere with your "do good-ism" in any way, no!

If you actually mean it, then say it, and rest your case. That is all that you can do. Spying, calling the little sister, calling the big sister are all bad moves.

[Sojourn]

UniversalTruth, I can appreciate the apprehension you have about this entire situation. It is indeed a precarious one and must be approached with caution by everyone that is involved. From your own testimony it is apparent that you have suffered through a great amount of pain and trauma yourself and I am genuinely sorry that you have had to undergo those terrible events. You mentioned that you eventually "got through it". Do you mean you have worked with a therapist to manage the emotional stresses you have had to endure? I can only imagine that those traumatic events will have residual effects throughout your life and again, I am sorry that you must carry those scars. On top of that, you mentioned that you have struggled with depression which is yet another tremendous burden to carry. Naturally, this all caused stress to your marriage in addition to any personal issues your husband may have had to contend with himself.

What I would suggest is taking a deep breath and looking at the situation for what it is at this moment without trying to predict what the future may or may not bring. You are a person who has suffered a great deal but you are courageously moving forward nonetheless and you want to keep your marriage intact. That's a great focus! You are seeking advice from others to help you gain a better perspective. All of this is a really healthy and balanced way to move forward.

Your husband... I believe he is a man that is probably very confused right now. Why would I say that? It seems to me that he loves you and it has probably very difficult for him see you suffer through your trials. For men, we want to solve things. That is our nature. No doubt he has been frustrated at times because he doesn't know how to "fix" your depression. It can make a man feel inadequate and helpless. That is a very uncomfortable place to be. These other women come along and ask for his help in their own way and it could be he sees an opportunity to help someone in such a way as to produce definitive results which will restore his self-worth in some measure. This is all conjecture of course and the only way you will know the truth is to simply talk to him in a calm, safe, loving way. For your relationship to heal, you both have to grant each other trust. Without trust, you cannot cultivate the closeness you seek. You need to be able to communicate your feelings honestly without fear of retribution.

My suggestion is to tell him you love him and you want to have a happy family. Share your feelings with him about how the relationship with these other women concerns you but do this in a non-combative way. Allow him to honestly express all of his feelings including what his motivations are and what he hopes to accomplish. Take the time to carefully listen to each other. While I realize you may not feel endeared to these other women, you could try to insert yourself into the situation in a support role and I think that is something that your husband hinted at - that is why he asked for your input. Of course, the ideal solution is for these women to get professional help and that should always be the direction they are encouraged to go. However, it is often difficult for people to take that step for various reasons. In the meantime, join your husband in helping these women in whatever capacity you can. It sounds like they have suffered pains similar to yours so you may be able to offer them help from a perspective that he can't. By supporting him you can approach this as a couple and that has the potential to bring some healing to your marriage. By support, I mean show him you love him for the person he is, a man who cares about the pain of others as he has cared about yours, and that you are willing to help in whatever way you can because you appreciate that quality about him. Despite all your efforts, things may or may not improve for these women, but you and your husband will have shared an experience together and that's what is most important - re-establishing yours bonds, facing life together.

As far as the appropriateness of the situation, I reiterate again that it is precarious and extreme caution is necessary especially on your husband's part and he does need to remain aware of that. That aside, pain is pain whether we are male or female, young or old, married or single, and that pain needs to be vented. You and your husband are probably still trying to re-connect on numerous levels so it is probably difficult for either of you to confide all your thoughts and feelings to each other still. We all have a human need to express our pain so we can recognize it and find ways to cope with it. Ideally, it would be great if he only confided in you or an appropriate male friend of his age. Unfortunately, that's not always how life works. The pain finds ways to escape when we hold it in for too long. It seems to me he has been forthcoming in informing you of what is going on and I believe that is because he wants you to trust him. If his intentions were unsavory then he might not tell you anything that is going on. Believe me, it can't be easy for him to tell you about these things because as men we know this is a situation that will probably create jealousy. Perhaps try to see more clearly the effort he is making in keeping you involved and asking you for your input.

You both have suffered through a lot of pain on your own and mutually. I don't recall if you mentioned that you are getting help yourselves but if not, that would give you some tools and strategies to resolve some of the communications glitches that commonly happen in relationships. This is a complicated situation for many reasons but it is an opportunity to make things stronger between you. That all depends on how you both approach it - as individuals or as a couple. This isn't the last time life will bring tests your way so make it a habit to work together no matter what. Find mutual resolutions to issues, rely on each other and trust each other. You love each other need each other after all.

[hamster-bamster]

Sojourn has interesting ideas.

UniversalTruth - maybe if you join in the husband's "savior" efforts, then a lot of good things will happen:

- you will be in the role of another "savior" vis-a-vis the younger sister, and not in the role of a "jealous wife" that you briefly considered when you were contemplating calling her. I think the role of another savior is better.

- your husband won't be spending time with her ALONE so much - there will be you as well

- you will be supporting your husband in his crusade to "do the right thing", which is something he oughta apprecaite

[UniversalTruth]

Thank you, everyone. Much has transpired. I am in need of more advice.
I tried to assist with helping the younger sister. There were a few things that happened. 1 – there were several moments in the process where it was very clear to me that she has definite feelings that go beyond friendship for my husband. I didn’t react to it right away, but later told my husband what had happened and my impression from it. I regret telling him but was feeling like he and I were getting back on track and able to speak openly with each other. I should have known better because he was still much closer to the younger sister than he was to me and he ended up telling the younger sister everything that I had expressed to him. 2 – my efforts to help would not have been received in the right way because my husband has been confiding in the younger sister for a very long time… venting to her about his wife who is abusive to him. He told me that she would never want to be my friend anyway because she thinks I am a bad person.
We began a therapeutic separation and went through several counseling sessions. Counselor has history working with substance abusers. Counselor was very open with me on his opinion that my husband was hard to work with and not being a good husband to me because he was outside the marriage with the other woman. I ended up completing divorce paperwork and threatened to file it unless he told girl that in order for them to be friends – she would need to reach out to me and try to have a friendship with me… because he wants to work out his marriage and as his friend, she should understand and hopefully be willing to help. She refused to foster friendship with me. They are no longer speaking (according to my husband). She has come back and said she will think about it. Husband then told me he wanted me to stop seeing the counselor because he is bad for our marriage (counselor encouraged me to file divorce) and my husband thinks that counselor has feelings for me.
Now husband is back at home and we are working together to make our relationship better. I give him cards, say sweet things, touch him, hug him, kiss him… he does nothing in return. I tell him I am excited to spend more time with him and he responds with “when can I go fishing?” He is not home 5 nights a week… out fishing.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by UniversalTruth

younger sister for a very long time… venting to her about his wife who is abusive to him. He told me that she would never want to be my friend anyway because she thinks I am a bad person.


he does nothing in return. I tell him I am excited to spend more time with him and he responds with “when can I go fishing?” He is not home 5 nights a week… out fishing.

Omg!! i am so sorry. I am about to cry. My exh pulled the same stunt....

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[hamster-bamster]

Universal Truth, I have been waiting for your update since back then. I think that your husband is really mean in how he suggests that the counselor has feelings for you. I think he is trying to say that just as the little one has feelings for him and just as the little one thinks that you are a bad wife (from which it follows that she might encourage him to divorce YOU), so does the counselor have feelings for you and is encouraging you to divorce HIM. I think this is the schema he is trying to outline, because it makes the situation symmetrical (just as I listen to the little one so do you listen to the counselor) and gets him off the hook (in his mind).

Do you think that might be happening?

You can (in the counseling session perhaps?) state that the little one formed her opinion of you (that you are an abusive wife) as a result of his efforts at persuasion. right? Since she did not live in your household, how else could she have come to believe that you are an abusive spouse? So it was his doing. If he wants to save the marriage, he needs to undo what he did, and no, stopping to talk with the little one would not undo what he did. He needs to talk with the little one and explain to her what is going on in reality, and explain enough for her to come forward with an offer of friendship with you. And if he is not willing or able to that, then, tough luck and you won't have to hear about fishing trips from him anymore.

[UniversalTruth]

I want to start by saying that things are better. But…

There are times when I get these serious panic-like feelings as if there is more going on and I am getting the cruddy end of the stick. I am scared that he is not being fully honest with me… they are paranoid feelings like he is still hiding something. Then I talk myself out of those feelings before I act on them – telling myself that I just have to trust him. So… there are 2 things that I need assistance with. 1 – Trust issues… as I am running out of patience with myself during these panic attacks and 2 – advice regarding his fears that are completely handicapping him from seeking happiness and success.

He tells me he only sees the little sister (and the big sister – but I am too worried about her) at work and they don’t really talk about anything. I doubt that… but, I have to trust what he tells me. I no longer check his phone. We started talking about friendships the other night. He tells me that he feels he has no real friends. It is totally true that he doesn’t have ANY friends that he can count on to be there for him when he needs someone. Every friend he had before we got married has fallen away – except one. The one friend that has hung around is from when he was very young. This guy has never really been able to get his act together… he took too many drugs and missed some opportunities and even still lives with his mom, etc. He is a sweet guy – but not someone to call in an emergency. After we started talking about how lonely he is for a real friend, I realized he is still upset that he cannot have a friendship with the little sister. I asked him if he wishes he were still friends with the little sister. He told me yes but it wouldn’t be worth all of the effort it would take (What does that mean? Maybe that he would have to come clean to her and tell her all of the things he has done to me… how he isn’t perfect and then convince her to be friends with me and then have to reassure me all of the time that they are not in love with each other, etc.??). I asked him why he still wanted that friendship… after all, if she refused to be friends with me… then she was ultimately trying to drive a wedge between us and destroy our marriage. He didn’t really respond which makes me wonder if he ever even told her that I wanted to be friends with her… meaning she never really refused to be my friend. Perhaps he just told her that I am jealous and don’t want them to be friends… but that isn’t what happened. Anyways, the conversation progressed to us talking about splitting up. It was about him not knowing what he wants and he thinks that splitting up and being free from our marriage would help him figure out his life and what he wants to do. He eluded to feeling that we would eventually end up back together if I didn’t remarry. I told him that I would give him 3 weeks to a month after us splitting that he would be having sex with her. I said that she wants more than just friendship with him. IMO – a woman doesn’t befriend a married man like that and then she doesn’t tell him all of her deepest darkest secrets without wanting more than friendship from him. She wants to be his woman – especially if she doesn’t want to be my friend after he’s supposedly told her that I want that, etc. Am I right – or do I completely have that wrong?? It seems simple to me. He said that we just see the situation differently and that he doesn’t think she wanted more than friendship with him (which is different from what he previously stated months ago… that he was sure she did want more than friendship but he didn’t). Anyways, he said that if we were to split up… he would NEVER (firmly stated NEVER) remarry and that he knows I would. He then promised a very firm promise to never remarry. I did not ask for that promise and I did not promise the same. He also said that if I remarried – that would be IT for us… we would never end up together again. I told him that for me… I married him certain that I would be willing to do whatever it took to succeed – so if we divorced and I remarried (whoever), I would be remarrying with the same intent on success. I asked him if we split, would he end up befriending the little sister again. He said yes. I then asked him to promise me he wouldn’t end up sleeping with the little sister. He stuttered and shrugged his shoulders and said, “I… guess…. I… promise that.” I GUES??? WELL THAT’S A VERY DIFFERENT SORT OF PROMISE CONFIRMING THAT HE DOES HAVE THOSE FEELINGS FOR HER AND IF HE WERENT MARRIED HE WOULD BE WITH THAT GIRL. I felt sick to my stomach. We went to bed that night with me asking him what he wants… stay married or not. He said that he didn’t know. Then in the morning he thanked me for talking with him.

So now, my trust issues. I want to sit this girl down and talk with her. I don’t trust him and what he says about any of this anymore… except that he isn’t actively pursuing the same “type” of friendship with her at this moment. Then again – do I even care to talk to her… maybe I can just pretend she doesn’t exist? Who am I kidding? Maybe over time he will work somewhere else and she will disappear from our lives? Maybe I can continue to let this sleeping dog lie because overall he is showing me love and working at being a good family man… every day and in the moment… he really seems to want to be there. So, that brings me to the next thing… he says he hates his life. He says he is worthless. He tells me not to disagree because he wants to be more for me because he knows he isn’t good enough for me.

I love this man. He is smart and good at everything he touches. He could do anything he wanted. SERIOUSLY . Plus, he has a hard working, dedicated and dependable wife bringing in most of the income who is also willing to keep doing it until he finds what he really wants to do. His path – whatever it is… I want him to find it. SO, over the years he has had several pursuits and great accomplishments. He has also had some epic fails. But, mostly he has had these DREAMS or PLANS on what he wants to do next… I am all for it and say, yes – let’s do it. Then nothing happens. There are some days when he seems ready to take on the world for something he wants. He talks and talks about his plans and ideas… then shortly after that there are weeks at a time when he slumps around feeling like he is worthless. He has reasons why he cannot move forward with these plans… things that keep him from “making it.” It all ends up being that the situation is hopeless because of this or that… not having $ or losing his opportunity or whatever. He gets so depressed and hopeless that I wonder if this pattern will ever end. To me… there is plenty of reason for him to move forward… there shouldn’t be anything stopping him – he has the world at his fingertips if he would JUST get over the fear of failure. He seems bipolar to several of my bipolar friends. How can I help him get over this fear complex? If he gets excited about something to pursue and I help in any way (like read up on the topic and tell him what I have learned and why I think it’s a great idea)… I am somehow taking his masculinity and pride away. I am not respecting him and his boundaries. Then we fight or get this funky energy between us. So – I don’t think there is any way that I can help him. What do I do!?? Do I just settle with – this person is depressed and until he gets his own help, nothing is going to change and I should just carry on and try to move forward with my career to support our family and put the kids through college and hopefully own a home someday?

Help.

[hamster-bamster]

Universal Truth,

It is a rather long read, but worth it - not only because it is one of the best russian books of the 19th century, but because it describes your husband. the book is called "Dead souls", by N. Gogol, available from Amazon, and the character (one of many) who is like your husband in that he has all those plans but never executes on them is Manilov. In Russian there is even a noun, "manilovshina", meaning manilov-kind-character, that describes exactly that type. Please read it - it will be eye-opening for you.

Re: the little sister. I think the only solution is to have him invite her over, in an email, copying you. Otherwise you do not know what is going on. Just a nice polite invitation to dinner or something, with a note that you would like to meet her.