Obsessed and Confused

I have reworded this many, many times. I don't want it to be to long!

So the backstory of my relationship: We worked together, and I met him while he was trying to make it work with his 5 mo. pregnant girlfriend. There was a connection, but ofcourse his priority was being supportive for his unborn child and the woman carrying her. Communication was ended, I switched jobs, moved away...until a little over 6 months ago when I came back. I contacted him immediately (under the guise of some "pressing" question). He and the mother had split on their own accord and had split custody of their child.

We began dating, and it has been beautiful. It's been tough, of course, being with someone who has responsibilities to his child, his ex girlfriend, his job, etc. He has a demanding schedule and in the beginning it was almost like a long-distance relationship. But we communicate with eachother, and are very respectful, we are constantly laughing and smiling. He truly is a great friend, that I incidentally have a great intimate relationship as well. We've now been together 6 months and are living together.
At the same time I moved in with him, I lost my best friend and consequently all my other friends that I had met through her (as I have only been back in town for 7 months). Please understand this is not your standard ditch your friend for your man situation. It is a benefit to my life for her to not be in it, but losing all my friends and working at an isolating job has caused me to become extremely emotional and confused.

I feel like I go from day to night at the drop of the hat. He is very supportive and tries to help, but I find myself putting a lot of stress on our relationship by expecting him to fulfill all my needs and make me feel completely loved and attended to. That is a lot for one person, and especially one who has a fairly difficult ex to deal with, has a 13 month old to raise, and a demanding work schedule. It is unfair of me to place all of this pressure on him, but I find myself drowning in my feelings and insecurities.

I obsess with thoughts that make me feel bad. I repeatedly picture things that instill jealousy, sadness, and powerlessness in me. It's affecting my sleep, and I cry all the time. I have extreme jealousy towards his beautiful, very talented ex girlfriend and fixate on all the things that are "better" about her. I imagine them sleeping together as a way to make me feel bad. I imagine the pain of losing him. I listen to sad songs and read horror stories online about women who have dated men with children, and why to run away...because this makes me feel doomed.

I compare my relationship and myself to other people's lives and relationships and base my feelings off of that.
The truth is I am incredibly happy with him, but I force myself to be sad and upset...almost because I like it.

I am very confused and lost and I feel incredibly weak that I can't get over this. That I can't just...think about something else! I don't know if I have a question, or am just looking for a conversation with someone to tell me I am not crazy. If nothing else, it has felt good to get this off my chest.

Thank you for reading

I also tend to worry a lot about the future when I am in a relationship. I think of all sorts of ways in which it might fail. But, as you say, this puts you under a lot of strain. Also it is not good for the relationship. My advice is try to block out these feelings. From what you write it sounds like these fears are unfounded.

What is it about feeding your worst fears that brings you so much comfort?

Stating the obvious here, but I don't like things to go unsaid:

If you want to quit being "needy" wrt expecting him to fill all the gaps, I'm sure you're well aware that its your responsibility to do so. You've been back half a year, its about time to make new friends and forge new bonds.

Are you perhaps grieving your lost friendships but occupying your head with other heartbreaking ideas so as not to admit to your loss? To justify your sadness perhaps...

Or are you perhaps entertaining these thoughts because you fear you will lose him too and have nobody? Sort of like preparing for what you may percieve to be inevitable.

Time for you to issue yourself with a reality check.

Truth is, if you continue to entertain these morbid ideas to the point of it affecting your relationship, your sleep and who knows what else, you will lose your bf.

Question is, will it be worth it?

If the answer is no, then I suggest you address what's really hurting you and put your imagination to bed for a while. I also suggest you seek out a therapist to help guide you along if you're unable to work through it alone.

First of all, I applaud your courage and honesty.

Having spent 5 years in therapy for my marriage (20 years at the time) and literally in the process of ending it at this very moment (after 30 years) I feel for both of you. Based solely on what you wrote I'd like to ask the following if I may:

1) Does he feel the same way about you that you feel about him?
2) Does he know that you are having these insecurities?
3) What was the basis for your initial attraction? (looks, sex, character, and so on).
4) Are you willing to commit to him and not just the one you've come to know over the past 6 months?
5) Can you believe that this has great potential for a long term relationship?

These are basic questions that may help you to find resolution. I would be willing to share my answers to these questions if that would help with insight.

Please keep in mind that issues of mental health are only beginning to be understood. So opinions will vary, even among psychiatric professionals. What's important is understanding what's effective in helping you to resolve these issues. Then and only then can you truly enjoy your relationship fully.