[henrydavidtherobot]

When I was 18-20, I went from 2 back to back serious live in relationships. Afterward I got out of my second one, I decided that I wanted to be single for a while. However, I just got into uncommitted puesdo relationships after that. It is easy to get hurt in these situations because boundaries and expectations never match up.

I'm seeing a great man right now. However, he lives an hour away and doesn't want anything serious because I am moving to China in 6 weeks.

I really care about it and planned on being monogamous with him. We've never had a conversation about us being monogamous. I have no idea what his expectations are. He always kind of hurts my feelings when he complains that I am making things too serious.

I got really drunk the other night and slept with a friend. I can't help but feel really guilty. However, I don't see what good could come from us talking. He could say that he's slept with others too and hurt my feelings. Or he could be like, whatever, and then sleep with others. Or, he could be upset and not see me anymore. Then, I'd loose him forever and I wouldn't have him to talk to me after I'm overseas and lonely. Also, I really can't deal with anymore stress and loneliness since I'm leaving.

We aren't official, but I feel awful. What can I do?

[arachnophobia.kid]

I always think honesty is the best thing. In your situation it's going to be painful to tell him about what you did but I still think it's the right thing to do. After that you can start to focus on feeling better about it.

The thing is, regardless of whether or not you and this other guy are serious, this is about him too, and I think he should know who you are and what you've done. I think he deserves to know so that he can evaluate his life and his actions, the same as you are. It will help him grow into a better person and I don't think you should keep that from him.

I can understand why you would feel that nothing good would come out of telling him but the hard fact is that by doing what you did you've most likely already destroyed your relationship with him. By telling him about it you are taking responsibility for your actions and perhaps then there will be something to salvage so I encourage you to do that. I don't think it's okay to keep it a secret because then you're letting him believe in a lie of a relationship and that's going to weigh heavy on you.

I'm sorry if that sounds very harsh. I truly feel sympathy for you and I'm sorry this has happened but I also feel it's only right for you to make up for your mistake.

If I can leave you with some hope I would say that I believe telling him about your mistake is the most loving thing you can do for him. I think being honest has this magic about it, it's really hard to get the truth out, but once it's out all it does is spread love. I hope for you to feel some of that love.

[henrydavidtherobot]

We're not in a relationship ...

[Elektra_]

hi. i dont think u should be in this kind of thing in first place. clearly u expect more of it and get hurt when u guys dont even date. he probb sleeps with other people too, so i dont think disclosing that is even needed in this type of relationship. tc

[Trippin2.0]

I'm with Elektra.

He's not your bf, so there's no reason to tell him anything. You're not gonna like any of his responses, so why disclose something you don't even owe him in the first place...

If he has or does sleep with someone else, do you think he'll tell you?

I also agree that you should stay away from these type of arrangements in future, you clearly can't do casual, and that's perfectly ok, some can, and some like you and I can't.

Its best not to set yourself up for disappointment again.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I think I'm siding with not saying anything. Why make it serious if neither of us wants that.

I can do casual if boundaries between both parties are clearly established, but that hasn't happened in two years.

He always worries about us getting too serious, so I guess that I don't owe him that.

Besides, it was a one time thing.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I don't think he is sleeping with anyone else because he'll mention "not having sex in (insert amount of time we haven't seen each other here)"

It's hard tp do anything but casual when you're constantly moving ;/