[dayzed]

This is going to be a long one please bare with me.

I've always thought I was a good person, sometimes to the point that I get myself hurt in the process. I always put others before myself: friends, family or strangers. I always go above and beyond the call of duty. I've recently come to the conclusion I do these things cause I have a deep need to be accepted. I have to go above and beyond at work cause I can't disappoint my boss. I have to do whatever the children one, cause I could not have them love me less. I have to do what my friends think is best...etc. I always thought of myself as a leader...but really I'm a follower...I'm only a leader because I want to do be the best at whatever task we are taking on so I grab the bulls by the horn. Most of my life this behavior has ended up getting me walked on. I can remember back to school, taking several packs of gum to school everyday just so people would like me (how messed up is that?) A few of my friends recently told me that I play the victim in everything. This statement scared the crap out of me as ppl that normally play the victim drive me nuts. So if I'm doing this I guess I'm doing it subconsicoulsy..so am I doing this for them to accept me too...am I doing this so they will feel sorry for me and like me? How can I play the victim and not realize it?

The 2nd thing...I have 4 very close friends, one of which lost her job several months ago and in this time she has been making choices that our group does not agree with and we have been discussing this among ourselves. Even to the point were some members of our group were wanting to cut ties with this person. We have all equally talked about her and discussed how what we think she should do to better her life. The other day I was upset and snapped at her and let it rip on what I thought she was doing wrong. When she called another member of our group to talk to them cause she was upset with me (rightfully so) they divulged all the conversations about her and what EVERYONE thought but basically pointed the finger at me! I was hurt deeply hurt, but not as hurt as when I sat back and realized how they just hurt me I hurt her. Why did I judge her? Why did I think I knew what was right for her and her children? Why do I always compare my life to her? i.e. she had a teenager at her house the other day that I had previous bad dealings with, with my own daughter and I said I would never allow that girl in my home. I basically compared my parenting skills with hers. I judge every decision she makes. Why can't I accept her for who she is. Doesn't really matter now, cause after trying to defend myself to her she now feels I have lied to her cause the other member of the group pointed the finger at me. I did not lie to her, but I also did not in turn point fingers and say it wasn't just me it was the entire group that feels this way....so now I look guilty as hell.

I really don't know what my questions are...except I'm really depressed I have cried for 4 straight days. I'm so confused with my own self...how can the same person strive to be accepted all the time, yet judge someone on the other token?

Because you are human. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone wants to be liked.

There are millions of reasons out there, spinning around, that each one of us do things for and I don't have the exact answer for your questions......BUT, stop beating yourself up and get some therapy. Find a professional to try and find the answers to why you do things certain ways.

You aren't a bad person because you try to please people and yes, we can all be a victim at one time or another. We're human. We all screw up.

Have you sat down and talked to the woman that your group was talking about? If it's appropriate, I'd try that now.

I'm sorry that you've been crying and are so depressed. I hope this helps you somewhat. Please keep posting.....Pat

[Wants2Fly]

Dayzed -- I can't offer a better response than Pat, who seems to have nailed it.

Please forgive yourself and be kind to yourself.