Cheated Early In Relationship

I met a guy last year. About a month after dating him, he got a DUI (mind you, this was his 2nd). Obviously this was disturbing to me but after a month of getting to know him, he seemed like a genuinely sweet, good hearted guy and well, I liked him. And I have to be honest, I have dated some guys in my past who weren't the greatest guys - and honestly with some guidance, I don't think he would ever have done it again - he had learned his lesson.

So after dating about 2 months, I asked him to move in with my roommates and I (rent free for the first month because I knew he was hard up for $). We spent all of our time together - we had before the DUI and after and I am telling you he was a genuine good guy who loved his family and was loved by his family and friends. Well, he ended up losing his job once he lost his license and we definitely struggled a ton financially and I did everything I could to help him but he could never find a job so he worked part time and we struggled. Well he finally found a decent job recently but now I drive him to/from work or he takes a cab and it has been an incredibly difficult struggle.

About 3 months into living together, I ended up finding out that the day before he moved in with me, he slept with somebody else. It was the ONE DAY that we were apart (he had a wedding to go to and I had a party to go to out of town for a family member). I was beyond devastated. I had gone to bat for this guy. I helped him with his resume, I built him up when he was down, I was there for him when nobody else was and I supported him financially as well. I had found out that he had exchanged #s with this girl and the way I found out was because I was paying the PHONE BILL! I confronted him about the # and he eventually came clean but it wasn't easy for him. He said it was a 1 night thing at his cousin's house and a mistake (mind you his family and friends heard everything and knew he had a girlfriend). He did end up texting back and forth with her for about a week but then he told her about a week later that he was getting back with his ex (yep that's me his ex). But then they agreed to remain friends and they texted back and forth after I left for work - this went on for about 4 weeks with him deleting her messages. I never really knew what they talked about but he swore they were just friends. I later ended up confronting her because I wanted to know the truth and she said he totally lied to her too and said he didn't have a gf but that he did cut things off about a week after it happened. And I could tell that it was always her contacting him and that he rarely responded.

I found out about the cheating about 3 months after we had been living together and I was so incredibly hurt by this but I was stuck at this point - we were living together and trying to make a go of things so I tried to stay and work things out and have tried to forgive him (which he begged for). And now here we are and it's been 10 months (7 of which were total hell - I paid for his family's xmas gifts, drive him to work, have helped him beyond help and have dealt with the most incredible devastation of being cheated on (trust is everything to me)). We have fought about every 2 weeks about the same incident for the past 7 months.

This guy said he will die if he loses me and I have to be honest, I love him like crazy. I do think he is a very loving and genuine guy and he has shown me that since I found out, he has given me transparency and been honest with me (I believe in my heart that he has), but I just cannot get past the devastation of it all and the quality of the type of person I thought he was vs. who he really is. He said it was a 1 night stand and that it meant nothing - he never saw her again. But I feel completely betrayed. He literally came home from the wedding straight to me. He was texting me during and after the wedding and the next day even saying how everyone wanted to meet me and how much he missed me and loved me.

But we can't stop fighting. I can't get past this. I don't trust him at all. And worst of all, the one night stand was a close family friend so this person is going to show up at parties and other events from time to time. I'm not even comfortable going to the house where it happened or hanging around his family members who all knew about it.

I'd love to hear anybody's thoughts on this. He really is a good guy - my heart tells me to stay and my gut tells me to leave. I often wonder if it's because I am into rescuing stray dogs if this is just another dog for me...

Christine.....I say find someone who will respect you and your relationship. It sounds like you treat this guy very well and have taken care of him and look how he repays your kindness and love.
Sorry but that is bologna and he is a user. I would toss him out on his ear!!!

You say you have been together ten months and seven months have been hell. If the two of you cannot work past this (and it seems you can't) there is nothing to gain by continuing to argue. Trust and respect are fundamental to a healthy relationship. If you don't have that you have nothing.

I recommend trusting your gut over your heart any day!

Wish someone had told me that when I had the same internal battle, and foolish romantic me chose heart, which lead to every kind of pain in the end.

All your heart wants is someone to reciprocate your affections, doesn't matter who it is or what he's like, the heart wants what the heart wants.

When in actuality you gut always wants what's best for you and will only act up when it needs to lead you to safety.

I'm in a healthy 2 way relationship now,( no one sided, freeloading, I make all the effort bullshyt) and my heart, mind and spirit are in agreement for the very first time. No internal conflict.

I would normally say do a Pros & Cons list, but you've already stated that the majority of your relationship hasn't been good.

You've stated 2 different sources, that point to the same outcome...

I think you really hit the nail on the head by likening him to another stray dog. How about kicking out this one and not taking in another one? How about, for the next bf, the following should be true:

- has been self-supporting in full and continuously for the past 12 months
- has a stable job
- has a place to live
- is not in a financial crisis
- has a car and a clean driving record

Etc.

christine, your gut is probably right. i'm just like you, i have picked up some serious stray dogs in my lifetime but i have a good heart and believe everybody deserves a chance, no matter what their background...but, that has gotten me burned more than once, i've had girls steal from me ( i knew it and still let 'em live with me) cheat on me ( didn't have proof but all the tell tale signs were there ..but of course lil ol me in love, didn't want to accept it)
use and abuse me ( not physically..mentally) and put up with the crap because i swore up and down i was in love with them & they "said" they loved me too, but alas love is more than just words..it has to come with actions..and in 991/2% of all cases once a cheater always a cheater that is what i have learned and observed the hard way, it seems like you have more than bent over backwards for this guy & he is living off of you. no car, it took forever to get a job, he cheated on you and lied about it. it's hard to recover from something like that, i'm a firm believer in making relationships work ( even though i seem to never follow my own advice, if i did i wouldn't be single..hee hee) but in this instance i fear the best thing for you is to move on.

1. what happens if you have to be away from him again for a day?? no way you would not be fearful of a repeat
2. this gal is a family friend & is still trying to contact him, you'd have to be stuck to him like glue to keep her away..
3. he said it was a 1 night thing. but he carries on for a month & wants to remain friends with someone he cheated on you with??
4. you guys fight all the time & all trust is gone & it sounds like it can never be rebuilt ( and probably shouldn't in this case)

idk christine, IMHO i know you love him, but i feel if you continue on with this guy, he's gonna hurt you again( this is coming from a guy, so no bias here, just an honest,objective opinion from someone with no emotions involved on the outside looking in) you are in a tough situation, you are. but you gotta do what's best for you and your long term happiness

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could spit. You need to move on. I can go into a long diatribe about it but most everyone has said everything that needs to be said. There are plenty of guys out there that are able to have an honest relationship with a girl and not cheat. Move on.