[Yismymindblank12]

I've wanted to die so long, because of my mom's narcassistic abuse, my forced codependency from my mom who is controlling. My sister who doesn't give a damn bout me, and I'm addicted to being in denial I will die from this abuse from me doing something stupid at a party or my body medically. Since now I'm stuck trying to cope, I can't cope, I can't ever cope, I don't know who I am my mom has broken me so badly and especially my friends, I'm not a human anymore. I don't feel like a person and my feelings don't mean ****. I'm on the verge of just cutting everyone out and just walk away somewhere anywhere just not be here. I can't be myself, I don't need these people. Everytime I can't get an opportunity, because my mom shuts it down. I want to die, and I don't want a mom who wants to feel perfect and addicted to being perfect, but not realizing. She is losing it all, she is addicted to spending her money away on silly things when we can't afford to eat anymore. I can't be with my friends, this only benefits my mom and I'm miserable and I want to die, because I'm in prison with a broken mind, body, and support. I can't call the cops, I couldn't when I was little my mom sweet talked them out. I couldn't prove how much this has affected me, so my feelings don't seem real. Maybe this is my denial, but I don't all I know I will die if I stay in this house too long, being confided so isolation. Want to know why prison inmates go crazy, because they are stuck in the box for a very long time. That's how I feel for over a decade of this, all the outside interaction has only amounted less than a third of my life all together. Now I've gotten closer to the walls that keep on talking to me. I don't have relationships. They are fantasies of things that won't happen even when I worked for it. Everything I work for goes to my parents, I can't leave here. I just want to walk out the door unprepared and not carry a phone or anything just walk far far away. Work somewhere remote and not talk to anyone from where I lived, because this abuse has been too much. I don't feel loved, I'm beaten down a lot all the time being told
"don't cry you don't deserve to cry, you're making me mad, because you should appreciate this or that. I can't be with you all the time, I don't love you. I got a new life a new friend, I got a new bf you only cared bout yourself. You are nothing but a liar a piece of ****, you're weird no one likes you."
I'm ****ing 20 I've dealt with this for all my life, there is no God, I have no faith into anything will change despite my desperate cries and failed efforts.
I didn't choose this, I'm trying to get out and being told you got this or that. No I don't, because I choose to starve so I can eat another day just not today. I go without sleep and deprive myself so I can sleep long enough to pass the time further so I can die faster. I got in abusive relationships to keep my mind afloat and just realize I'm not real. This world this life my body my existence isn't real. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder, I have no sense of reality ever, and on top of that people abuse me and treat me like I'm stupid or ignorant and never consider what I say. I aspired to do better, but can't because I'm bounded by these idiots who expect me to work hard when even when I'm doing that at the moment, I can't get anything done. I never got help I know I'm marked to die, and there is no God. I don't love myself only till I can get out of here. I can finally breathe. I never had that ever.
All I want is to be free, I'm a slave financially, emotionally, and medically to this crap. I can't even post on here without feeling like the honesty isn't going to help, because no one can help me this world isn't good enough for me to get any help never has. I only dream to be in a life where I can appreciate what I have that I've worked for, and not being taken away and I get laughed at and beaten up for trying. Life sucks I get the drill quit being so hard and negative in reminding me that. Give me a break!

[Yismymindblank12]

Last thing I need to say, I have a recent diagnosis of a rare neurological disorder that affects my whole body and is very uncomfortable and it can cripple me. My mom is the worst relationship I'm forced to be codependent when I don't want to, I have to help their problems, because they can't provide for themselves. So my dreams to go to college, be happy with myself and being on my own, getting a car soon, are basically gone.
I'm forced to be a child, I can't run away they'll call the cops. They want to lock me up if I talk bout my feelings, bout how I want to go away I put my boundaries to the point I have to shut her out and everyone because people rather yell at me than actually care to do something. I don't know if I'm suffering more codependency or I'm just suffering a lot of abuse, because I can't leave here whether I've worked at a job or not. I'm constantly paying bills either at work, or I'm stuck at home unemployed angry I can't leave here. I can only leave when my mom dies I can say that as a fact.
I've lost all respect for her, even though I'm cordial and tried my best to love her back, she only shows me indifference, anger and only cares bout watching tv eating and looking like the best mom ever who is well kept, unfortunately for her she is neither. I can't be honest what she does, because she will lie her way out or manipulate in many cases, I'm so scared that if I get upset she will call the police and have me locked up for whatever excuse she will come up with. Please I can't stay here, I need to get away. I can't even see my therapist, because my family is close to the poverty line, I mean we have a house. We were barely lucky to get this place rented as cheap as it is and most of the time we are always so house poor. I grew up the rest of my highschool life and adult hood now starving myself and getting sad when I'm with friends they are chowing down on all this food they expect me to get something I don't have money at all to eat. Also when I made a stupid mistake to move out into the city, my roommate was psychotic and a potential abusive alcoholic. I was being respectful and he thought he can walk all over me, because of my situation. I hated him he was like my mom, but worse he was a drinker and threw his crap all over the house I cleaned and did a lot of house work and constantly trying to apply I wasn't successful anywhere out there since I was not a student and not cheap labor. I remember last year, I ate a lot less there where I didn't eat for a couple weeks at best while my roommates eat the finest meals they made. I can't even eat anything, because I had no money nor food, I was forced on my mom for that, because she threaten to throw me out homeless, I was afraid to starve to death, and she thinks if I don't leave she'll call the cops or to a mental ward when I spoke my mind bout wanting to help myself.
She used her arrogance and her ability to convince others, to show I'm perfect happy and accepted, when that was no where near the truth. In the short term, I'm medically getting worse and I'm starving myself to stop the pain. I'm happy to eat once a day, but other than that. I hate talking bout this honestly, because it sounds stupid to me. I never gotten the help I needed couldn't afford it and I couldn't get what I needed, because of my mom.
The person who is trying to help me leave is subconsciously trying to keep me in this cage under her control. Nothing is benefiting me it's only helping her, I can't take care of my body without her approval, I can't get a job or the number online when I can't find it she finds the contact I need and won't give it to me till a lot later after constantly asking and begging her to do so. I'm expected to get something done right away, but nothing happens till a lot later, and when the opportunity shuts down. My mom says, "well we couldn't afford it life sucks sorry." That's what my parents and friends treat me like some used up cheap inconvenience from saying exact things like my mom says or what I said earlier. I can't stop trying to look like I'm wanting attention, but deep down I want someone to love me even after the abuse and hard work I do to love myself and follow my dreams. That won't come true in this hell hole I'm stuck in desperately trying to leave from.