[lostinconfusion]

It's been 2 and a half years me and my girlfriend have been together (long-distance relationship). It's a long story but I will try to make it as short as possible. I'm 24 and she's 22. Before me she dated dozens of other guys and had 1 serious long term relationship (of which she came out heartbroken and almost committed suicide) while I just had 3 very short term relationships (2-3 weeks each) so she's MUCH more experienced than I am in this field.

She was the one that picked up on me and not the other way around and I, unexperienced, just followed along and decided to give it a try. We only see each other once every 3 months for 2 weeks + 3 months in summer. She's the kind of girls that speak too much and about every single small detail and she wants me to do as well while I'm more of an intellectual who only wants to discuss interesting subjects and just hate small talk. We are very different and have really very few things in common.

We have been talking to each other via Skype everyday ever since. After about 2 months of relationship she started to get very attached and whenever we were chatting it was obvious that she wanted to say something but couldn't, she went: "I wanna tell you something, ... but never mind..." and I knew that she was already in love and wanted to announce it. I didn't share the same feelings (I did like her though) and that's where my lack of experience literally screwed me since one day I gathered all my courage and went to her and told her that I love her because I knew that she couldn't keep it any longer and I was afraid that if she realizes I don't share her feelings it would destroy the relationship while I did like her.

Having done that she was very happy and said she loved me too. She even told me she wanted to marry me, can you imagine that??? After only 3 months! Slowly I started to really be annoyed by her small talk which I really hate (2-3 hours of Skype sessions everyday discussing absolutely uninteresting things) so my behavior started to change spontaneously and it was obvious I don't wanna talk that much anymore so she asked me about the matter and I told her that I don't like conversing through Skype all that time.

She got heartbroken but we didn't breakup. She was just too disappointed. This said she went on a crazy partying/drinking/dancing-with-Exes spree which pissed me off and we fought over this (I still did like her, she's also really attractive). I have to mention that I was the perfect boyfriend for her, at least my attitude was and I was super loyal (even until now, I never cheated and never will). All of this, God knows how, made me love her so much even more than she did me (or so I thought) but in the same time I lost all trust I had for her.

Thus I became the super attached partner while she went once again on her crazy partying/drinking-with-her-ex spree. That was it for me! And we broke up over this matter (together). It was the worst month of my life! I was heartbroken and suffering. Pure agony. After that, she talked me into coming back to her but I told her there were ground rules that have to be established: no more drinking with ex, no more dancing with all the guys in the club, etc... which she agreed on. This was 1 and a half year ago. Even after getting back together I was still hurt so I didn't really trust her. all my efforts were concentrated towards keeping her for me and taking her from going out for whatsoever reason (I know HUGE mistake) of fear of her cheating on me. One of the best ways to keep her this way is to talk to her via Skype whenever possible. So I started to want to talk to her all the time because it was the most reassuring way that she isn't cheating or meeting with other guys or whatever. I was super attached and started to be strict.

Nevertheless the following year was one of the best in my life and we were both super happy. She even changed her behavior and became more mature and my trust on her started growing and growing. Life was almost perfect until one day we decided to travel abroad together for 12 days. It was the first time I LIVE with her 24/7 for 12 consecutive days. The first 4-5 days were perfect and I was thinking how happy I was to be with her but the 6th day I woke up and I felt nothing anymore. NOTHING. As if love really vanished in thin air. Overnight! Just like that! I thought it was just an impression (that was 3 months ago) so I tried to forget it and thought every thing will go back to normal. But it didn't. I simply don't love her anymore.I don't even know whether I loved her at all in the first place.

Still I said I have to wait for things to change spontaneously and I couldn't talk to her about it because she's having exams and her sister's wedding + she has HUGE FINANCIAL and FAMILIAL PROBLEMS. Breaking up with her will literally DESTROY her! I do care for her though and I don't want anyone to hurt her (not to mention me).

One week ago she finished her exams and her sister's wedding was over but she was still facing so many problems. Poor girl she's going through so much.
it's not Grass is greener on the other side syndrome.I have no eyes to any other girl out there. It's just that I didn't feel the same and couldn't force it (I tried). I also missed being single and wanted to be completely free.
So I told her about it last week, she was shocked and devastated and she said: "What do you want? A break? A break up? What?" to which I couldn't just say everything is over so we agreed on a break in which we wouldn't talk to each other until I figure things out.

My main problem is that even I was so sure I wanted to end it, I'm only confused right now and some of my feelings are resurfacing one day while the day after I don't wanna go back to her. I can't distinguish my feelings. I just feel bad. I don't know if it's guilt because I made her cry or pity or actually missing her. I just couldn't figure it out. I just know I was very unhappy for the last 3 months for no reason. She did nothing and she was the perfect girlfriend. I feel wicked just by thinking how innocent she has been.

Was this infatuation from the beginning? Can it last this long? If not can love just vanish overnight? What should I do? Should I end it so I give her closure and she can move on as soon as possible while I will be at the risk of wanting her back so bad when it's too late? Should I wait more?

Please help! I've been suffering from this for 3 months already...She is suffering too.

Thank you everyone

[lostinconfusion]

I understand this is a long post but I really need some advice and I only said the important stuff because I believe the answer is tucked in there somewhere in the details I mentioned.
Thank you again

[hvert]

I can't really tell you what the best choice is, because only you and your girlfriend can decide that, but I can tell you that something extremely similar happened to me with a long distance relationship. It was like flipping a switch. I went to visit and it just felt different. He came to visit me a while later, and I knew it was really over.

I still don't really understand it, and even though it was for the best and happened 15 years ago, I still sometimes wonder about what could have been.

LDR can be really romantic. It can allow you to form a fantasy image in your head of what the other person is like, an image that deflates when you spend actual time with the person.

[healingme4me]

For a relationship, to withstand time, compatibility matters. Your post states and restates your not finding small talk satisfying and you need intellectual conversations. She hasn't filled that need yet.
Could, years from now, leave you vulnerable and at risk for an emotional affair.

Perhaps, there's some admiration of her. She is attractive, as you state. Status, over infatuation is where I'm leaning.

Lots to consider. Tough decision.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[waiting4]

I agree with both posts above....having been in a LDR, it is very easy to build up a fantasy about the person that sometimes doesn't live up to the reality. In my case, it had more to do with realizing my ex had so many issues, I knew making it permenant would be a horrible mistake.

The thing is, it seems you've been letting her run the relationship from the beginning in one way or another (she started it, she wanted to skype, she started seeing her ex again which caused your emotions to change subtly from 'really like her' to 'really can't trust her' , then back to 'really like her' etc.) ...basically you've kinda just been along for the ride. Eventually, your mind or heart or both is going to rebel, when it finds its trapped in a relationship you really weren't prepared for, with someone you may 'like' but who actually annoys the h*ll out of you. And take my word for it, if the little things are annoying you now, they will just get worse over time.

My advice, for what it's worth, is make a list of all the things you 'really like' about her, and all the things you don't....all the reasons you should stay (or get back) with her and comparative reasons you shouldn't. Be as objective as you can. I'm pretty sure you'll know what to do when you're finished.

Of course, I'm pretty sure you already know what to do. If you need permission, don't expect it from her. Expect it from you....forgive yourself, and her...and let go.

Take care

[Rose76]

It does sound like it was a kind of infatuation. Part of the problem was that you two were to far apart geographically to get a realistic idea of what being together would be like. Then, when you were really together, you found it didn't match up to what was in your imagination.

I would strongly suggest that you consider moving on. For her sake too, it's better to do that now than further down the road. You need to find someone who lives nearer to you whom you can see on a regular basis. That's what she needs too. You both fell for people in your imagination . . . people who weren't real. That's what infatuation is . . . you think someone is like what you imagine. When you are not near each other, you don't get the reality checks that frequently seeing each other would give you.

Your both young and it will hurt for awhile, but you'll get over it.

[lostinconfusion]

Thank you guys for responding you were really helpful and I think you guys are right.
My main concern now is that almost all of my friends are also her friends (even before we were together) and that it's gonna be so awkward seeing her with them in summer and I feel I'm still very attracted to her and don't wanna see anyone else have her (it's as if my brain is tricking me into thinking I own her or something which is by the way very wrong because nobody owns her but herself). Do you guys think it's a transient feeling or will it be like this for years to come? The sentence that describes best my situation right now is that I'm in love with her body. Not her personality. But it's such a strong attachment.
I know all of this sounds very childish but I'm just typing exactly what's happening in that ****** and uncooperative mind of mine.
Thank you again everyone

[Rose76]

Thinking you don't want anyone else to have her is a transient feeling that will pass, especially since you are so young.

Be as much as a gentleman as you can be about everything, and you will never regret it. Causing her some hurt might be unavoidable, but these things happen. Better to end it now, than to lead her on longer. Most people will not judge you harshly.

[lostinconfusion]

Originally Posted by hvert

I can't really tell you what the best choice is, because only you and your girlfriend can decide that, but I can tell you that something extremely similar happened to me with a long distance relationship. It was like flipping a switch. I went to visit and it just felt different. He came to visit me a while later, and I knew it was really over.

I still don't really understand it, and even though it was for the best and happened 15 years ago, I still sometimes wonder about what could have been.

LDR can be really romantic. It can allow you to form a fantasy image in your head of what the other person is like, an image that deflates when you spend actual time with the person.

Thank you hvert for replying.
I have a question though: how long were you guys together? It's just to see if it's long enough for me to relate concerning my own situation.
Thanks again

[lostinconfusion]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Thinking you don't want anyone else to have her is a transient feeling that will pass, especially since you are so young.

Be as much as a gentleman as you can be about everything, and you will never regret it. Causing her some hurt might be unavoidable, but these things happen. Better to end it now, than to lead her on longer. Most people will not judge you harshly.

Thank you Rose. As you said I need to behave as gentlemanly as possible. I appreciate this advice.