[Rayne Selene]

Hey everyone,
I'm not really sure which forum to put this in, so I just stuck it in here. I'm kind of seeking the advice of people a bit older than me who have gone past the college milestone.
My boyfriend and I plan to get married. The issue is when. He wants to wait until after he finishes grad school. I'm 20, he's 21, he's a junior in undergrad and I'm a sophomore. The way he sees it, once he finishes grad school there will be less stress and less to handle and therefore a better environment to get married in.
So what I want to know is, does it ever really get any better? I guess I'm feeling kind of hopeless right now. I mean, we're putting all this hope on graduation and that life will be better once we have our degrees, but is it really? It's supposed to be really hard to get a job, and then money is a huge stress, not to mention kids, etc, etc. I'm scared and I just want to know there's something worthwhile that I'm heading towards and I'm not just going to end up with even more problems.
If that makes sense at all. Does anyone have any stories? Does anyone have any advice? Does the world get better?

Right now I'm so exhausted and stressed that I can barely see straight. I don't think I can handle a lifetime of being this stressed.

[LaborIntensive]

I wanted to wait until I was 30 but at 27 my ex left me cause she was sick of waiting. Oh well...You can't hurry love and maturity is proven in patience.

[shabur]

You lose the stresses of school, but you then have the stress of finding/starting a new job, having to support yourself (if your parents have been providing that during school) and of life in general. It's a matter of how you are equipped to handle stress.

Unfortunately, there will always be some kind of stress in our lives. The better the job, the more stress there is to do well. The more money we make, the more stress there is to control our spending, to invest, to fulfill our needs. Kids? We have the stress of caring for them, ensuring their needs are met and they have the tools to grow up to be well adjusted adults.

Using my sister as an example (because I am not one) she is married to a wonderful man, has 3 great children and is a senior director in one of the world's largest banks. She married while still in grad school, but waited to have children until after she completed grad school and was established in her then job.

She is a wonderful wife, but like all couples, they have their problems. She worries about her children - are their physical/emotional/educational/social needs being met. She's very involved in her children's schooling - all 3 are high honors. She talks to their teachers about their progress, to their principal about the direction the school is taking (it's a small Catholic school), and is on the PTA.

She stresses about what her kids will do during their summer break. She doesn't let them sit around watching TV or playing video games.

She stresses about her kids health. One of my nephews is basically allergic to just about everything. Her older son (10) is starting puberty and is facing the hormones and emotions that come with it, is too smart for his grade so he gets bored and doesn't apply himself when it comes to getting his work done, but he somehow gets great grades. She is stressed because of my mental illnesses.

And although she is always constantly on the move, she has found her way to manage her stress. She sets aside time for herself, even if it's only a few moments, she prioritizes, she is a great organizer. Fortunately, she has the ability to have people help her. She hires a summer tutor so the kids retain what they learned and are ready for their next grade, she is able to send them to summer camps and she also employs a nanny/housekeeper to take care of her home and her kids when they are out of school.

She has been able to workout a schedule where she starts work early and is able to be home early so she has more time to spend with her children, but there are those times she has to stay late, has to travel or gets that call from one of her employees or her boss about something they need her help with.

She is what I would call "a health fanatic" preparing healthy meals for her family - no fast food for them - everything made fresh. She gladly invites family and friends into her home for a meal, to stay for the weekend.

I am in awe of her. I know how she does it, but I don't know "how" she does it. I can't do it - I would be overwhelmed. She is an amazing mother, wife, sister, friend and person. She has found a way to live a good life even with the stresses of her life, running at 110%.

All this, and she still struggled with some mental health problems, ones she was able to overcome.

Like my sister, it's all a matter of how we manage, what we set as our priorities. If we wait until there is no stress, until everything is perfect, we will never move from where we are.

Both you and your boyfriend need to be sure you're both ready for marriage. There are some pluses to marrying now. You have the constant support of each other. If you are living apart and paying your own way, there is the financial benefit of saving money.

But there are also the stresses of learning to live with someone - it's no longer just you. You have to learn to compromise where you may have not before. And while saving money by living together, there is usually the stress of how much money is coming in and how much is going out.

No matter what we do in our lives, we are always going to face some form of stress. Its all about - do we have the tools to manage it?

[Travelinglady]

I don't know of many good stories of folks who married while still in school. I'm sure some folks succeed, though. I honestly think you need to wait awhile--at least finishing undergrad school first. In grad school he will be very busy and occupied.

Life will always be stressful with something. School can be more stressful than work, I think. My sons say they want to get out of grad school before settling down. I was later in my marriage, so maybe they are following my example. I was finished with grad school and had worked for 8 years before marrying! I was 33. We just don't know what the future will hold.

My thoughts on it, anyway.

[jadzea]

Someone told me to enjoy my years in school because they are the easiest lifestyle I will ever have. I laughed at the time thinking he was crazy. He was right. You have your stresses and trials in school but you do not have the responsibilities of paying your bills, going to work on time every day, making a relationship work and all of the other duties that you acquire once you graduate and you are on your own. It is somewhat of a shock the first year when you just keep on going to work rather than taking 2-3 months off in the summer. You quickly get used to this life though and things become routine.

I met my husband in college. I went to grad school 1000 miles away while he finished his senior year. It did not make sense to get married because we could not be together. We wanted to be married so much though that we did not worry about money or jobs or any of that stuff. We just figured things would work out. They did. We had many adventures along the way finding our career paths. There were time we had $100. to our name as well as times we either lived in a VW Rabbit or a motel because we did not know where we needed to be the next day or week. It added interest to our relationship and taught us to really rely on each other. We have a very stable life now as we look forward to retirement and a new adventure in relying on each other and making things work.

I probably would wait until after school to get married because marriage can be a distraction for studing and classes, etc. The new stresses when you graduate will be there whether you are married or not so they do not figure into the decision. Being together and bonded for life is so fulfulling and brings such happiness that yes, it is worth it and yes, it does get better. I say take the risk and go for it.