[piggypops]

I am in my mid-30's. I live with my mom because I have severe agoraphobia and panic disorder (which I have had since my pre-teens) and being on SSI I cannot afford or handle living on my own. I do pay an equal percentage of rent-to-income ratio as my mom and half of all of the bills. I am not freeloading. I cover my costs and then some. My mom is at home much of the time being retired.

But the problem is that my mom never developed boundaries regarding my room since I was a child. When I ask to be left alone to do college homework, she constantly bugs me so I stay distracted and unable to focus. And if I close my door, she walks in without knocking, or will knock two quick knocks then immediately open the door...she does this even if she just "believes" I am not in the bathroom too, even though the fan and/ or lights are on...when it comes to a closed door bathroom, she always somehow thinks I am somewhere else in the house and just walks in.

I have said it for years now, and shhe doesn't listen to me asking her to please knock before she opens a closed door, but if she walks in on me getting dressed as she has numerous times, I am not supposed to get angry or yell at her. She constantly threatens to report me to the state for “elder abuse” for yelling at her and have me removed or put in a group home or threatens to move out if I yell at her...I feel so frustrated by her not listening to me unless I yell at her.

So asking her doesn't stop it. Yelling at her stops it for a few days while she is mad at me over it, but then she threatens me. Locking my door makes her hit my door and yell at me till I unlock it, because somehow I am violating a house rule and am not allowed to lock my own doors (bathroom included) because it is somehow symbolic of something greater than merely wanting my privacy THAT I PAY FOR.

She is my only family. I have no one else. I cannot afford to live on my own, and I feel like she is still treating me like I'm 5. I actually jump when she opens my door she often does it so fast. I now get dressed inside of my tiny closet so if she walks in, she at least won't see me.

I don't know what to do. And I'm not sure there is an answer or way to solve this.

~piggy

[hvert]

This could be a bad idea, but what would happen if you locked the door and refused to open it? Eventually she would get tired of banging and shouting, wouldn't she? Or would she call the police or something?

[Rose3]

It is understandable that this behaviour and threats of your mother results in your feeling unhappy and frustrated, and she has not yet learned to respect your privacy. She obviously does not yet understand boundaries. I wonder what it is that she wants? When you have college homework to do - then yes you have that priority (and you require your time alone in order to work on it without her distracting you). Is it possible for you to go to a library or study hall and try to work there instead of at home (this might allow for better privacy and concentration for you)? Could you wear ear plugs, or a head set so that you don't have to listen to her? Asking her doesn't seem to work. Yelling at her doesn't seem to work. What if you put up a note on your closed to - to say "please do not disturb - I'm studying" or "sleeping". Maybe tell her what time you are going to be available for her? Is there some kind of counselling service (for her, you, or both of you) - who might be able to help with this?

[Harmacy]

I was thinking about boundaries myself recently when I remembered my brother used to do the same thing you mention when I was a kid. He'd just walk into my room, sometimes knock and then push the door open. I have memories of pushing the door closed from inside my bedroom with him shoving his way in. Unbelievable really when I look back.

Just edited this reply as read your post properly... It does seem from my outsider's perspective that perhaps your mother's behaviour is contributing to your anxiety and panic. Constantly living with the fear of someone walking into our private safe place has got be really anxiety inducing. If you're managing anxiety having somewhere safe and private where you can regroup is essential.

It sounds like your Mum has issues of her own but you need to try and separate yours from hers. Hope you manage to get this sorted as sounds like it's really difficult for you and you're being guilt tripped and made to feel bad over what to most people would be a perfectly reasonable request for your right to set the most basic of boundaries.