[Yismymindblank12]

I've been in the worst mood, because of course I've been lied to on silly expectations, but my excitement and good emotions get the best of me trying to fool myself something will happen. When I'm let down, I get upset like I should, but I'm punished when I feel upset. I'm told I can't feel or be a human, because no one will love or tolerate me if as a guy wants sex or wants intimacy wants to be a woman, wants to be cherished and held if I was born one, wants to feel like he belongs or normal.
I'm not supposed to talk like that, because it's not normal, being told if I'm supposed to be loved people love me for my success, my false sense of positive attitude, my money, my sex appeal, how many ladies I've been in love or gotten in bed with, taking action, being a rebel, being an individual. I've done all those things, and I've done it because it's worth hurting myself over and over again just feel alive, because I'm addicted to pain, because I'm a masochist since I was a child, I was physically abused because my whole life if I stood up for myself I should be punished. I'm a caged animal and monster people get tired and hate me because I feel what I feel. I have no choice, but to suppress so people can love me for me. I have so many issues that people don't want to help me even therapists. I go my whole being assumed I have some attitude problem with going through 3 near death experiences, losing my closet member in my family and my only person I felt like she was my true mother who was my grandma, my daughter being aborted, being raped and used like some toy and called some freak or creep because I enjoyed the pain. Being expected to man up when I'm being beaten so badly where I come home with cracked ribs and badly bruised joints and muscles where I have to lie to my mom to her face that I fallen down, because it's going to protect me and keep me alive.
To accept when I wanted to feel I was in love with a person to know and experience it was real to have it taken away like some sick joke and continue to be told if you feel this way you shouldn't deserve love. Living in a world where I had no other upbringing that love is people abusing me no matter who, because I'm a guy who enjoys being used an object. You never hear this stuff, because most guys don't care, so when I talk to a girl bout my feelings when she wants them she gets mad or scared because I'm not normal, I'm supposed to be stupid and not care for my age. I hate it when older people talk down to me and expect to do what they say not because it's something helpful in life for wisdom or to be happy it's for selfish gain on their part to take their misery out on me. I let it happen, because I don't have a choice when I talk back I'm told I should go to jail or I'm some outlaw. I did nothing criminal, I just stated my opinion and how I felt, because you asked for it.
Being a caged animal given scraps no matter how partially big or small they are all meant to trick me in to taking the bait before being beaten down physically emotionally or sexually with more abuse. Why I can't trust women and women have been my biggest struggle, because I'm trying not to be attracted to anyone I'm trying to be asexual and live as a hermit, because despite if I attract them or they are attractive to me, I can't fool myself they will make anything better, because I find their intentions always rather uninviting.
That stigma where women can't be like guys where they can take is all wrong from my first hand experience, I didn't consent to my last ex who was beating me when I couldn't fend for myself, because I have a medical condition recently that prevents my muscles or body to work anymore. I used to be outside and now I'm crippled with a disease that's slowly taking my freedom to move and no one seems to care just give me pills and leave in a corner. My closest people in my recently and in my earliest memories, have either raped me, beaten me, threaten to kill me and my family, broken my heart, my trust, my sense of pride and humanity, I'm not a man nor a woman nor a human, I'm some toy being thrown around just because that attention is all I have left in my life to feel anything.

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm only 20 years old, I enjoy escaping reality and accepted a lot of my crap that I'm stuck here and I can't get out no matter what. So what I do is avoid shut out and make sure no one gets in. I've lived my whole life never knowing what love or trust is, because I'm just that unlucky is how I'm treated. I know I'm putting this point down like I'm beating a dead horse, but believe me it's truthful and honest what I go through.

I've never met or been around anyone who just stopped caring trying to change me to what they think is great and just love me for me. I've always wanted someone to go out their way to see me and only me, as I look on the outside as a male and on the inside a female. I just want to feel like a person and treated with respect and just feel like I can do something, when I was younger I was put under the wrong impression it will get better or that a relationship with a girl will provide that. It's never been the case, I've learned from those mistakes and finding myself, being ignored and assumed I'm not perfect.
I've wanted to be a female all my life, because it fits me, not on my lifestyle or even wanting to feel beautiful. It's just I know I know what it feels like what a lot of women go through, because of how I was genetically made up of and my personal experiences and how I dealt with them. I would do anything if there was a magic way for me to be a woman, feel some sense of belonging in a group of girl friends being young and free. If it was real I would give everything up, to be a mom, to have the periods, the cramping and the pain of everything, the stigma the cat calling, the feeling like I want someone to appreciate me and my hard work.
The intimacy the fights and the love and closeness. Everything, the hard work you ladies have to do so much for yourself and others, there would be no other place on earth I would ever be if I wasn't in a room where I can be with my female friends just having fun watching netflix and enjoying the simple things. I couldn't explain to you, how much I envy some women who don't want it, I understand where they are coming from, because I feel it too bout being a guy when women tell me I'm gorgeous and they would want to be me. Well, I welcome people like that, because you know how I feel, and I would be your best friend if anything I could switch bodies with any of my female friends. I know it sounds crazy for me and a lot of women tell me I would regret, but I don't care, it doesn't if I regretted it now or later. I'm just grateful I see things as they are and that my existence is that no matter what body parts you have they don't define the person. No matter what orientation or what you love and attracted to doesn't define the person at all. I don't have as many gay male friends, and my uncle is gay and I'm so happy he's existing. I'm trans, but I don't need the surgery it's not what I want even if it looks very awesome and convincing. It won't help me whats so ever. I only wanted to date people my way who agree with me, but all the time I turn everyone down, because they expect me to change for them. I will never change for anyone, I know many women feel that way bout men changing their looks for their partner's approval. I've experienced it all, I know what you go through. I'm one of you, despite how different I look. All I've wanted for all women no matter if I'm attracted to them or not to feel confident and beautiful bout themselves. I only wanted people to feel that way and express themselves as they are, because I'm living a life that I'm not having that freedom being oppressed for my opinion, because of who I am with my body as a male. I'm not complaining, that I don't get enough sex or I'm not manly enough because of my experiences, I'm happy I'm different. I just hate people, who only care to do what's superficial and acceptable to everyone instead of being free and accepting themselves making it easier on everyone. Please I beg of anyone to listen to me, because I don't want to die, not able to live and experience that closeness from anyone.