[KHS4721]

I'll try to make this brief...

I'm a man in my 30s.

I dated a woman almost 2 years ago, in my early 30s. Despite my age, she was the first person that ever returned my feelings in my life...first real kiss, first sexual experience, first person I said "I love you" to. I know a lot of people will have trouble relating to that, because it doesn't follow the traditional timetable.

The relationship only lasted a couple of months - so it's nothing significant if not for the reasons I posted above. Like most relationships, the situation was complicated but she basically left me, or stopped seeing me until it got to the point where I was frustrated, we had a falling out & it was over.

I was also late moving out on my own (despite being financially responsible) and I was going through the transition of living alone for the first time at the same time of this first failed relationship.

Enough about the details of that time. The reason why I'm posting this is... even though it'll be 2 years this summer, I cannot move past it in my mind.

There hasn't been one day since our first date that she hasn't been on my mind the majority of the day...when I don't have a distraction like work or the gym, etc, she's on my mind. We've remained in touch occasionally, but mostly I just try to deal with my feelings internally. Despite my preoccupation with this, I do not make any attempts to see her and I do not harrass her in any way...I know this is inappropriate & is not the answer to my problem.

I've only seen her face to face twice since we broke up, both within the last couple of months. I helped support her (not financially) after an accident & we were talking daily again. She came to my place a couple of times, and I did kiss her the second time. She became distant about a week later, and I recognized this and stopped communicating - I assume she became distant because she started seeing someone new, or didn't know how to tell me that she wasn't interested in going there with me again.

Here are the major issues I'm still dealing with:

Sleep problems - ever since I moved out on my own, I have had sleep issues. Because this started at the same time as the relationship failure, I don't know if both things are the source of the problem, or if it is just the relationship failure. I went a month or so with next to no sleep initially, and now I average 2-4 hours a night, with the rest of the time in bed awake. Physically tired yes, but unable to fall back to sleep after waking due to my mind racing.

Moving on - As I've already explained, whenever my mind is idle to this day... she's on it. Even when I don't want to think about it, my mind finds a way to circle back to her. In the beginning it was missing her, wanting her back. Now I think it is more about not being able to accept the failure, & that I failed to keep her happy with me when I wanted to have her in my life for a long time. Whatever it is, I've tried meditation, counseling, etc, and I cannot forget it or move past it, even though I know there is no other choice.

I have dated one other girl since, at the suggestion of one of my few close friends. We dated for 6 months and I tried everything I could to make it work, but it was too soon for me & I wasn't ready to move on. She was an amazing, caring, & attractive woman, but I couldn't forget the other woman. I feel some guilt at having put her through that, although I didn't really know that I was going to hurt her ahead of time. She was so good to me that I feel like 95% of this text should be about her & not the other way around. The physical attraction to her wasn't as strong, but I feel like I should've been able to move on & make it work.



I've asked a few people in my life about this & received various responses. But what I need help understanding are these things:

1) Will I never really be able to move past this first experience, at least until I experience something more powerful? I really have to just learn to live with this for the rest of my life?

2) Are there really a ton of people that feel like I do, yet they end up with someone else just because they don't want to be alone?

3) Are there any good pieces of literature that might help me get past this?

Logically, I understand that there's nothing more I can do about the situation - other than try to accept that there's nothing more I can do. But how do I get this off my mind? I am not the go out & try to sleep with a bunch of other women to move past it type...I just don't connect with most people that easily, at least not on that type of level.

Thanks again if you made it to the end & can give me any guidance.

[TrueMe]

It sounds like your brain is on auto pilot when it comes to thoughts of her. This is what I would try. Every single time you find yourself thinking of her say STOP! Say it in your head or say it out loud. Every time. Within a few days you should find yourself thinking of her less. This would be a really good time to take up a new passion, you need something that makes your soul feel good, something to fill the spot thoughts of her have dominated.
Firsts are the hardest to get past because we are so innocent and unguarded. And when you are the type that let's few people into your inner self, it's even harder. If you decide to date, maybe try dating a variety of women with no expectation of it ever being serious, just to get yourself out of your head a bit.

[Faking sane]

That's what I think, too. The first person you're with will always be etched into your mind. That's true for everyone. And I imagine that the longer it takes to find someone, the higher your expectations that it will be THE one, so you kind of put a pedestal under that relationship. It's likely that she had a bit more experience, so it didn't affect her as dramatically as it did you, thus the tapering off of her interest. She was probably expecting something more casual and your intensity (I'm assuming, since it's only natural for a first relationship) might have had her feeling kind of smothered.
It's interesting that your second relationship lasted longer, but not at all surprising that it didn't work out, because rebounds rarely do. You're always really looking to get back that feeling you had with the first one, so the new one can't help but fall short of that idealized romance.
Not to pry, but why the late start? Knowing that might give more clues as to the direction that would help you the most now... And what do you do for a living? Do you meet many people at or through work? You know, for a lot of people who are slow to get around to dating, match-making resources are often a good fit, since you don't have to sift through so many random unknowns to get to the kind of person you're looking for. Late bloomers almost always have a pretty good idea of what they want out of life for themselves, and that works in your favor in selecting a mate that fits your personality and goals
As far as your memories of your first love, you don't have to let those go to move on. You just have to memorialize it as a part of your past and realize that you can only move to the future and live in the present. I'm sure that after two years you've done all the analyzing and second-guessing possible, so any information you have gleaned from the analysis is all you're going to get, at least from your own perspective.
Rather than dating a bunch of women casually (I just don't see that being "you"), why not get a pet to share your home and your life to take some of the pressure off of seeking companionship? Plus, they're chick magnets
Best of luck in all your endeavors.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by KHS4721

I'll try to make this brief...

I'm a man in my 30s.

I dated a woman almost 2 years ago, in my early 30s. Despite my age, she was the first person that ever returned my feelings in my life...first real kiss, first sexual experience, first person I said "I love you" to. I know a lot of people will have trouble relating to that, because it doesn't follow the traditional timetable.

The relationship only lasted a couple of months - so it's nothing significant if not for the reasons I posted above. Like most relationships, the situation was complicated but she basically left me, or stopped seeing me until it got to the point where I was frustrated, we had a falling out & it was over.

I was also late moving out on my own (despite being financially responsible) and I was going through the transition of living alone for the first time at the same time of this first failed relationship.

Enough about the details of that time. The reason why I'm posting this is... even though it'll be 2 years this summer, I cannot move past it in my mind.

There hasn't been one day since our first date that she hasn't been on my mind the majority of the day...when I don't have a distraction like work or the gym, etc, she's on my mind. We've remained in touch occasionally, but mostly I just try to deal with my feelings internally. Despite my preoccupation with this, I do not make any attempts to see her and I do not harrass her in any way...I know this is inappropriate & is not the answer to my problem.

I've only seen her face to face twice since we broke up, both within the last couple of months. I helped support her (not financially) after an accident & we were talking daily again. She came to my place a couple of times, and I did kiss her the second time. She became distant about a week later, and I recognized this and stopped communicating - I assume she became distant because she started seeing someone new, or didn't know how to tell me that she wasn't interested in going there with me again.

Here are the major issues I'm still dealing with:

Sleep problems - ever since I moved out on my own, I have had sleep issues. Because this started at the same time as the relationship failure, I don't know if both things are the source of the problem, or if it is just the relationship failure. I went a month or so with next to no sleep initially, and now I average 2-4 hours a night, with the rest of the time in bed awake. Physically tired yes, but unable to fall back to sleep after waking due to my mind racing.

Moving on - As I've already explained, whenever my mind is idle to this day... she's on it. Even when I don't want to think about it, my mind finds a way to circle back to her. In the beginning it was missing her, wanting her back. Now I think it is more about not being able to accept the failure, & that I failed to keep her happy with me when I wanted to have her in my life for a long time. Whatever it is, I've tried meditation, counseling, etc, and I cannot forget it or move past it, even though I know there is no other choice.

I have dated one other girl since, at the suggestion of one of my few close friends. We dated for 6 months and I tried everything I could to make it work, but it was too soon for me & I wasn't ready to move on. She was an amazing, caring, & attractive woman, but I couldn't forget the other woman. I feel some guilt at having put her through that, although I didn't really know that I was going to hurt her ahead of time. She was so good to me that I feel like 95% of this text should be about her & not the other way around. The physical attraction to her wasn't as strong, but I feel like I should've been able to move on & make it work.



I've asked a few people in my life about this & received various responses. But what I need help understanding are these things:

1) Will I never really be able to move past this first experience, at least until I experience something more powerful? I really have to just learn to live with this for the rest of my life?

2) Are there really a ton of people that feel like I do, yet they end up with someone else just because they don't want to be alone?

3) Are there any good pieces of literature that might help me get past this?

Logically, I understand that there's nothing more I can do about the situation - other than try to accept that there's nothing more I can do. But how do I get this off my mind? I am not the go out & try to sleep with a bunch of other women to move past it type...I just don't connect with most people that easily, at least not on that type of level.

Thanks again if you made it to the end & can give me any guidance.

you have made this one pretty easy for me, this is not a hard situation at all so let me try to explain and see if you can relate.

your first experience will ALWAYS be special, it's your first time..whether it went good or bad you will always have fond memories of it in the future.
its perfectly normal to take a long time to get over "the first" because she took you somewhere you have never been before and you will always appreciate that.

in time you will get over it..that's the good news.
and you will have different experiences in the future, the power and intensity will depend largely upon chemistry between the two of you.

no two relationships are alike (thankfully!)
but still think about the qualities you liked so much in her and attempt to find someone similar( don't expect the next gf to be "her" just similar qualities.)

i can't speak for the amount of people that feel like you do, but to keep it simple..there are other people that feel this way..you are not alone! and yes people do it all the time as far as being with someone because they don't want to be alone..a mistake for sure, but one many people make nonetheless

i don't know how much a book is going to help to be honest with you, relationships are a LOT more hands on, there isn't really a "textbook" way of handling these things IMHO, it's just an experience every person guy or gal has to go through.

you are just grieving the loss of the relationship..take your time and let yourself heal..you'll be fine

hope this helps!