improving my partnership by improving myself

My partner is understanding and loves me. He is not always able to give me the emotional support i need -- he loses patience with me, and is not always to articulate his thoughts in a way that feel supportive. I am learning that. He is trying harder.

Meanwhile, i am fixated on this other relationship with an unattainable guy. It is a pattern that i thought i had broken when i partnered with my current mate. And yet, psychologically the draw is still there. I put a lot of mental energy into worrying about the status of our friendship, worrying about his opinion of me and wanting to be closer with him and his wife. Weird, and not healthy, i know.

In the end i think i need to find more ways to define myself. I don't have children and i keep coming back to that as a problem. I need to accept that and find other ways of feeling like i can do some good in the world.

Any suggestions or feedback would be appreciated. More than anything i just want to connect with other people.

Have you tried volunteering? It's a great way to get your thoughts off yourself.

Also, you need to use what I call "stopped thinking", It's what helped me overcome sort of the same obsessive thoughts. Every time I would start to think of that person I would say "stop thinking" and think about something else. If the thoughts persisted I would do the same thing again. If I was alone I would say it out loud. It takes time, but you have to give up the fanatsy life you have developed. It's not easy, but you can do it.

ridiculously, I feel suicidally sad when I think about losing this other relationship.I don't know why this relationship is so important to me.I wish I could figure that out.

So, i know that this thread has been a dud -- i get that it is selfish of me to want both relationships and that there isn't much sympathy to be gotten for that sort of emotion. Still, it helps to write about it, so i am going to.

I think the thing that keeps me hooked is that:
1. i have a pattern of looking for rejection to validate my negative self-image.
2. i was rejected, in a way, by this man and his wife, who at one point wanted to spend time with me and my partner -- until i got too intense. they like to keep a distance.
3. they present to the world an image of the perfect family. that is his thing anyway. it is nice to hang out with him and his wife, because she doesn't mind not appearing perfect.

Anyway, i know i am mixed up, which is why i am looking for support here. I also know that i am not presenting reality correctly because i don't see things clearly. On the other hand, reality is not so cut and dry either....

Today, Galye, i continued looking for volunteering positions for the summer. I teach a high need population of teens who i know i help, but who are not particularly good at showing appreciation. I have been working with them for 7 years and i am probably a little burnt out. Volunteering might feed that part of my soul that needs to be appreciated for helping out. So far i haven't found the program that i can fit into my schedule, but i am still looking.

Thank you for your hug and advice. I have to learn how to be able to relate to people without the need to be close close friends.