[pelpador]

I've always be introverted and had problems making good friends. I have a good idea why - I don't have a lot of confidence, and I don't think I am interesting enough to hold peoples' attention for more than a few minutes. So I get the pleasantries over with and there's not much of substance after that. I had some really good friends at school but as I moved into adulthood I struggled to keep them and also struggled to replace them.

I am horrible at keeping in touch with people unless there is a specific reason to. I don't value friendships the way I should. I don't think this is because I don't like people, or want to be liked, I just don't cope very well with rejection so to put myself out there as possible friend material and be rejected would be pretty hard to deal with and make me feel worthless. I’ve even lost touch with most online friends I had.

I don't put myself in situations where I feel people would be able to see how boring I really am, so I probably have a few minutes of interesting conversation or jokes then...nothing. I guess I want people to think I'm more interesting than I really am, so just give them a glimpse of my personality, a teaser if you will. I reality, there isn't much personality there anyway.

I have basically lived the last few years of my life vicariously through my partner, now ex-partner. My only friends have been her friends. She has organised our social life and I have just tagged along, usually unwillingly, and usually not contributing much in the way of conversation. However, I am extremely comfortable when we are together, it's only when we bring in 'outsiders' that I get anxious and uncomfortable. I don't know if we had many real conversations, as I would usually put a stop to that before they started. I constantly told her I loved her, but I didn't show it and she probably didn't think there was any substance behind the words.

She never got to meet family more than a handful of times. Partly due to my laziness, and partly because I’m not particularly proud of my family. I guess I think they reflect badly on me. They don’t have well-paid jobs, they don’t have the University education; they’re not particularly sociable either. My parents are generally quite negative people so I tend to keep them at a distance, though they have always been there for me. I guess I have never really appreciated them.

Now I think my partner finished the relationship because she didn’t want to deal with my social issues. Looking back, she gave me plenty of chances to change, and to show that I could be an equal partner. She encouraged me to be more social, to make friends, to join clubs, to see my family more often. But I got lazy and thought it wasn’t important. I grew contented working, sleeping and watching TV. I didn’t help that my commute to work was 3-4 hours per day as this left me tired and lacking in motivation.

It came as a shock when she ended the relationship, particularly as we were due to be married in 3 weeks. But it shouldn’t have been. The signs were there that she was unhappy and I wasn’t pulling my weight.

Where am I now?

I feel sad, alone, pathetic, insecure, scared. I don’t know what will happen with my life. I always felt like I would never marry, never have my own family, never develop a proper loving relationship. So I couldn’t believe my luck that I had found someone to share my life with. But now reality bites. That’s gone, almost certainly for good. We could remain friends, but I’m not sure. I don’t think there’s someone else out there like her that I could connect with. Sure, everyone that’s been through a break up thinks the same.

On a positive note, I have my parents and other family. I have some people at work who care, though I would be pushing it to call them friends. I have one good friend who is still around, who I’m extremely fortunate still to have – I haven’t seen her for around 3 years. I have a place to stay, some money in the bank, I’m reasonably fit and healthy.

But, I feel like my life is now pretty much worthless and the only direction I’m heading is down. I have had some extremely negative thoughts, though I don’t think I would ever carry them through. I have thought about what I could do to turn things around, but the reality is things will continue as is, I’ll feel lonely and depressed for a while, and slowly get things back to normal.

That leaves me with a problem. Getting back to ‘normal’ isn’t going to help me next time round. I’ll just end up repeating what’s happened before. I need to work on myself before I can even contemplate a relationship. I need to understand that I need friendships as well as a partner, and I need to understand how to develop these friendships.

I’m embarrassed and ashamed by what has happened. I realize that it’s my fault. It would be easier to accept if it was because I had cheated, or become a horrible person (I guess I had in a way), but it feels things have ended because of my personality issues and social issues, which I’m finding a lot heard to accept.

How do I accept this, get better as a person, and move on?

[Rose3]

It's understandable that you would feel low after this break up - especially as you were planning to be married in a few weeks. Yet - you sound like you are aware that you will get back to normal. It takes a bit of time, as you adjust to this change in your life. So - it's opportunity for you to reflect on things, and take your time about the ways that you would like to proceed. Is there any rush about getting involved in another relationship right away? Maybe try not to be so harsh on yourself - for example create some other things to say to yourself (instead of worthless). You are a person who works and you are healthy. There are many areas for a person to get involved, with activities, interests, and other people. Hope you're feeling better soon.

[Bluesday]

Your story rings painfully true in my life as well. My last girlfriend finally broke up with me when she realized I just wasn't going to be very social at all. She wasn't a social butterfly herself, but almost anybody is better at it than me. I fear I will never have a relationship again and worse, if I do, that I'll just screw it up. It's easy to look back and WANT to do things differently. Honestly, though, if I had to live the exact situation over again, I don't know that I'd be capable of doing it differently. *sigh*

[whoflungpoo]

there's a saying that i've heard along the way, don't remember where exactly but;

if nothing changes, nothing changes

implying you have to want it bad enough and you have to initiate the change, otherwise things will remain the same way and nothing will change.