[indistinct]

At last summer, I have met with a guy who I was very attracted even though i had a boyfriend far away. He was the most selfless and the one of the best man i have ever met in my life. He was funny, really smart and really good at what he was doing. He was romantic and very emotional. We shared a very strong feeling together but i felt so guilty for my boyfriend when i get back to the city i was living in. But we kept on talking with him. I loved him, i told him that i would never let him go. The more i talked to him, i fall in love with him. Even my friends told me that they never saw me full with love before.

Our main problem with him and the reason i had to make a decision was the unfairness according to him. Because of the strength of our feelings, he wanted to spend more time, to come to the city i live in for a couple of days or weeks. But i had a boyfriend and i could not let him. He told me that he would willingly take the pain of being away from me if i could make it more just and fair for him. I could not even told my boyfriend what happened in the summer, and he was asking me to give him the same chance that i was giving to my boyfriend.

But eventually i had to choose and i told him i chose my boyfriend. Because all of friends were just leaving the city and it was so difficult for me to imagine how it would be without my boyfriend. When that happened, he had learned that he had a very dangerous brain cancer and we could not split and stop talking. He was already a survivor, he survived from cancer twice before but i could not stop hurting him by not being with him. He had to go through several surgeries. But i was only texting him or calling him.

And later, his sister died in a traffic accident. He was really depressed when that happened. I tried to support him, but it was not enough. He was really afraid of being abandoned. He told me several times that he needs a better support, me to be specific. When his sickness were it’s peak, he really needed to see me because he was unconsiously screaming my name when he was in great pain. This happened like 2 weeks long. I did not go there because it would mean something else than friendship. I just could not.

Months later, after like his heart stopped for a couple of times because of his sickness and stuff, his adopted son has been murdered very..violently. He had learned that his ten year old boy was sexually abused and beaten to death while he was still in hospital. He wanted to come over when his son was killed, he called me from the funeral, i rejected him again. i had to. i did not want to feel the same guilt that i have felt for my boyfriend with him coming over.

These made him very depressed and i contacted his family and his therapist. They have told me that i should have helped him, but i could not in order to not hurt my current boyfriend by breaking up with him. In time, i forgot my feelings for him.. I have lost all of the love i have felt because it was so exhausting and difficult.

We were working in the same project with him in the summer, which i just worked for the last year but he was already there for the last 6 years. He was spending his 5 months every year there, so it was his second home. He went there to give a tour to 90 students from university, the professors wanted him to do that to morally support him. He did a great job, but he started to cry infront of everyone else when he saw our favorite location there.

He had told me, "You may be not helping me for being a better person because you don't want to admit that you have cheated on your boyfriend. I know you don't love me anymore and how much you love him. But not helping me, not being here with me only makes you a person who turns her head away when someone asks help from them."

But bad luck didn’t leave him.

one day, he left from hospital very upset and angry, also because of me ( because i was still reluctant to help him) rented a car and started to drive. He ended up in a car accident because he was driving fast, hit a truck from the behind. It was truck driver's fault, but still the driver was dead. The judge charged him 8 days of prison. They took him there even though his legs were broken. He also was sexually harrased in the prison and he could not defend himself.

This changed his entire personality.

Today i was told by his therapist that i can help to heal his depression by being with him and giving him the feeling of trust again or he had to have ECT until he forgets me and everything we lived. His therapist told me that the main reason of his depression was the fear of abandonment, and i had to abandon him so many times when he was having bad times. He started to not trust even his family, not his therapist. He stopped talking to anyone, and i was the only one who he was talking to.

I feel so guilty, i can’t sleep or eat or concentrate to anything. I want to help him, but i can’t give him what he wants, because he just wants our happy times again. I can not stop crying when i see things reminding me him, but i love my boyfriend more now, and i don’t want to be unhappy by breaking up with him just inorder to help this guy who i loved once but who i don’t have feelings anymore.

I am so afraid feel guilty for my boyfriend when he doesn’t know what is going on my life, i believe that feeling is a lot more than the guilt i feel now for not helping.

Now the doctors tell him that he doesn't have more than two months, even chemotherapy is not effective anymore. I can go there and try to make him happy for his remaining time, but i would not love him. And i am sure it will make him so unhappy to see me in love with someone else. I know i should not give him promises i knew i could not keep. I should not have promised him to lift him up if he falls when he first heard he was cancer again. But i just feel like i can not change my feelings for someone.

I don’t know what to do, but i could not sleep for days and i can’t stop crying. What a person does these days? Why am i so selfish and just can’t help him? Is this guilt going to stay in my life forever if he never heals? What do i do? Should i get professional help?

[gayleggg]

Yes, I think a professional would be a great help in helping sort through all the feelings you are having. I can't imagine what the two of you have through. The pain he must be feeling from all his losses and impending death. And you having to stand by a watch, must be very hard.

[indistinct]

Help!..
They have told me that his MDD is evolving into psychotic depression. He still doesn't talk to anyone but me. I have tried to talk to him, but he talks some strange things which never happened.. He doesn't talk to his family or to his therapist, because of his brain tumor, they don't want to give him more ECT or drugs..

I feel really responsible. God. What have i done? I really have driven him into this.. I Just can't even breathe anymore. Please tell me what to do..