[FatPenguin]

I'm faced with a tough decision. Cutting off completely the girl I love.

Briefly, we're both introverted weirdos, we were together for a few months, it fell apart when I started to notice how aloof and cold she could be, and she couldn't hack it that I noticed it. Even though she knew she had these issues, she couldn't believe I noticed them.

I blew up at her a few times, pretty harshly. I was upset she seemed so emotionally cold (not a quality I respond well to), ended the relationship without even trying and was pretty hypocritical in how she handled things (after talking up a lot of big talk about how people are "selfish" in our society and don't try to work on relationships; she bailed the second we had even the slightest problems, she acted like I put her through the Holocaust, like it was just pure hell, she obsesses over the negative. I know for a fact there are relationships that have survived FAR WORSE. It made me feel just like chopped liver that she didn't want to work on things that were definitely fixable and solvable. When two people care equally, anything can be overcome).

We talked online almost every day since then, for six months. I mostly initiated it, but she would always respond. There were times I would get upset, but I tried to continue to be friends and pursue her. She told me she can't be with me because her feelings completely shut off, and that was that.

There were a few points that were unpleasant. Once, she said some pretty sweet things to me, how she missed me, etc. -- then immediately took them all back the next day, in a really cold, short email saying she basically didn't mean any of it. So that was fun for me.

Later, I told her how much I loved her, quite passionately. That same day she put off responding to me, and drove 50 miles to go meet up some "guy friend". This is a guy friend who she had once flirted with in front of me, and she knew I didn't like him, but she claimed he was just a friend. She then lied completely about what she was doing that evening and said she was with a girl friend.

I instinctively felt she was lying -- on that alone I called her out, I said, "You're with him, aren't you?" And she admitted to it, and seemed to think it was funny I caught her. I got upset and told her I was done ever speaking to her again, and if she wanted to fix things she could drive up here and talk to me face to face.

She did seem to freak out, and I bailed her out a day later. She said she was cutting herself, etc. so I called her and smoothed it over.

After that, more on again, off again stuff. She seemed comfortable being 'friends with benefits', but I never took advantage of that. Sex without emotion or being in a relationship with someone is sad.

I also blew up again, when she didn't invite me to Comicon, knowing I wanted to go. It was a big deal a few reasons I won't get into. She was pretty just cold about it, and I got really upset. I basically said if you're going to call me a friend, this doesn't even measure up to being a good friend. She said since things were "weird" between us, she didn't invite me. I eventually got over it.

Finally, we reach today. Once again, I had written her a few passionate emails (I always do, it seems like). A few were relating to my own insecurities, and she responded by sounding really frustrated and annoyed with me. I was surprised, since she has more insecurities than I do. I thought she would relate, instead she was just cold.

I then wrote some other very passionate things -- spoke of how I loved her again, spoke at length -- and I gave an ultimatum: "Say 'yes' and make me a happy guy, or don't say anything." But that freaked me out. I knew she wouldn't say anything, so I retracted the ultimatum, apologized for my "drama" and said I didn't want to lose her friendship.

From there, she ignored me, and posted something on her Google plus page, which I never look at it. It was just an apology for being annoyed with me in my first series of emails. She said nothing about the other things I said later on, the passionate stuff.

I responded, we talked a bit, and in talking to her she sort of blew me off one evening. Since she doesn't do anything, just goes home and sits on the computer, I personally like to talk to her. But she's such a loner and so into her world, I felt I annoyed her. And it made me think she really doesn't value me or my time at all, and would rather just be with her computer -- which I've felt and told her before in the past. She told me once she wants to "upload" her brain to a computer, that's how she thinks.

I decided to not speak to her as long as possible. I put up a note in my room to remind me. I told my roommate to remind each day.

I told her nothing of this plan.

It's been three days. Doesn't seem like much. She had written me a reply to an email I wrote, and I haven't responded. Today, she sent me a few random links to songs, nothing much. It's not like her to write me again after I haven't responded to something, she always waits for my response, so she must be noticing my absence. She's the type of person to literally NEVER initiate anything or show she cares, she'll always wait for the other person to do something. I've often felt if I didn't respond back to one of her email replies to me, she'd wait like five months before saying anything, "Hey, is everything ok?" That would take moving a mountain for her to care that much.

I also bought her a lovely necklace and it arrived on Friday and she's said nothing. My roommate was like, "Oh, she'll call you! She might even come see you when she gets that!" And I'm like, "You don't know this girl then. I'll be lucky to get a text."

She said nothing, but it's VERY possible she hasn't gotten it since she doesn't check her mail or it could be at the post office, knowing how things get delivered. But if she says nothing in a few days, that will hurt.

I don't know whether I should cut her off totally -- she's broken my heart and always took me for granted, since I was always there, willing and wanting to talk to her, while she didn't care about being with me or having a relationship -- but... I would miss her as a friend.

There were just enough events, enough instances of her being cold, aloof, not caring at all -- that it finally just sunk in for me, and I was sick of her. That was hard to do. It's taken a LOT for me to get sick of her, despite the crap she's pulled.

From her perspective, she'll say she was the way she was with me because I blew up at her. That's a fair reason, but let me tell you, it is VERY HARD to be with someone like her, someone who is so self-involved, emotionally closed off and treats people like they are after-thoughts. Very hard. They make you feel small and make you feel like you don't matter that much. And that prompted all the blow ups. I cared so much -- for her, caring takes extra effort.

I also don't blow up at anyone, ever. That was not like me. I'm a pretty calm person normally.

She admits all her weird issues are a problem and real, but doesn't seem at all concerned about them. She says maybe she'll find a guy who is "less critical". I don't think I was critical. I think I just noticed serious issues and brought them up, which is what you do in relationships! I'm sorry! When someone is cold to you, are you supposed to just say nothing to avoid being "critical"?

The simple fact is, the girl cannot handle anything, has never been in a true, real, serious relationship with a man before, and thinks relationships are supposed to be P-E-R-F-E-C-T or it's not worth it. She told me once she's sorry her love for me is "conditional", but that "it is". Yay. Since things weren't perfect, it's "conditional" for her. She can't change it.

So at this point, I think it's time to be over with her. Our friendship is nice, it's good, but it's hard for me to shut my feelings off. She can shut her's off. She doesn't care about anything.

Her two best friends are moving away, and she says she doesn't feel anything about it yet, but says it will hit her at some point. I told her I may move away, she didn't care at all, of course. For any emotion to impact her, it takes basically an earthquake of events to move her.

She says she can't feel positive emotions, and only negative ones. And half the time she doesn't seem to feel anything.

She once complained about this guy at work who said he "cried for no reason." She thought that was stupid, she sort of views "emotional" people as being ridiculous, irrational, seems to think emotions are a lower form of expression.

She later told me she cries herself to sleep at night and doesn't even know why.

I don't know if it's worth it to have someone like that in your life, for whom caring is an actual chore for them. It really seems that way for her, "Oh...GOD... I have to care... ugh."

I've also thought maybe I should just talk to her WAY less. I'm known for writing a lot to her, expressing a lot, giving a lot. I'm thinking I should just slowly reduce that to a trickle, to where I take a long time to respond and don't put much into what I say to her, until I just stop completely. I don't want to seem so passive-aggressive that I "cut her off" so she'd notice.

I don't know. It hurts. I really just wish she cared, but she doesn't. Whether she loses me or not, it seems pretty irrelevant to her, even though we connect so well and shared so many things in common. I always cared way more than she did. She admits she's such an isolated person, caring about other people is hard for her. That's just sad.

I've wondered if I just talked to her too much. I wondered if, in my absence, she might start to care. But I told her many times that if I have to cut someone off for them to care, they aren't worth it. That's just a sad relationship to begin with.

But maybe there's something to "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Maybe my constant presence wore things out, especially since she's an introvert, an isolated person, needs a lot of time to process things, whereas I can process things quickly.

So I don't know what to do. I still love her, that's all I know.

Thanks for reading. I tried to keep it short.

[unaluna]

I didnt know you needed an invitation to go Comicon. I thought you could just go if you wanted to.

[FatPenguin]

Originally Posted by hankster

I didnt know you needed an invitation to go Comicon. I thought you could just go if you wanted to.

I would never go alone. I either would go with a friend, or not go. She knew that. She wasn't particularly rude about it, but on the day she was going she passingly said, "So, are you going to be there?" It's a 100 mile drive for me to be there. I had already brought up countless times I wanted to go and be invited, and that one of my other friends, a FEATURED guest on a panel there, HE had not invited me.

So it was just a big stink. It's over. I forgave her. I understood she was uncomfortable with how things had been going. But she's constantly talking about how she wants to be "friends" and I felt, "Ok, well, here's what friends do, and you failed as a friend on that level."

I should note I never want to go anywhere, so it was like the ONE TIME I wanted to do something.

But I would never by myself, that's just lame.

[unaluna]

From those two examples of failed invitations, it seems like you need more, more casual friends in your life, to be doing stuff with? Then cutting her off would be moot - it might fade away, or not.