[Maria38Divine]

Hi friends,

I have a situation which I need some male perspective on. My female friends, feel free to comment too.

Okay, so there's this young musician who stops by whenever he visits his family in the neighborhood. Once upon a time, I used to see him everyday and based on his behaviour (kisses and hugs and flirting), I assumed he wanted a relationship. I was willing to give it a try until he said he just wanted to be friends. So I drew back. Just weeks after, he kissed me (again). I reminded him we were just friends. His response was: "Did he sign off to that on paper?" I ignored him then followed up with an email saying I wasn't interested in an intimate relationship. By that time, I'd already started having reservations about him, especially since he's a musician and doesn't express his feelings well. Anyway, he never responded to the email. But since sending it, I noticed his visits became less frequent. I wouldn't see him for weeks at a time, and when I did, he'd just sit and quietly watch tv.

After a few month's absence, he came by a couple days ago. He stayed over until morning. We had breakfast. He hung around some then left. Trust me when I say we did nothing intimate. He tried to make a move once that morning, but I blocked him and he instantly refrained.

We've known each other for almost 9 months. He's never asked me out. He introduced me to his family who I get along with, but not his friends. He's 12yrs younger than me (in his early 30s). He's not forthcoming with his intentions, and I'm not holding my breath, hoping he'll come clean. If I'm honest with myself, I'd say that deep, deep down, I like him, but I keep thinking he's just hanging around hoping to get sex. What do you think? Should I run him away?

[Blitter2014]

Male perspective.

If he places value on his friendship/relationship with you then he will do nothing to endanger it. That would include being up front and honest with you.

A relationship/ friendship is based on trust. Where there is no trust there is no future. You have bern open and honest, he is kerping his options open. Thats not a good start to any long term friendship or relationship.

Does he influence your life for better or worse? Does he play a part in the future you see for yourself? Are you able to trust him in other areas of life?

My wife is my best friend and my trusted confident. If that is what you desire from a friend or relationship then don't settle for second best. Better to be alone and have hope meeting mr right than being stuck with mr wrong....

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[Maria116]

From what I see men will take sex where it is available, even if they do not love the woman. A lot of times they are open with the woman about it. That way they are not being an a**hole and plenty of times the woman takes the deal anyway - she likes him, she's alone, whatever. (I've tried to venture into that territory recently - I like him, I am alone, and he does not love me or want to date me. I discovered soon enough though it was not for me.) It seems you have a good clue or where things are headed - friends with benefits.

[Blitter2014]

Originally Posted by Maria116

From what I see men will take sex where it is available, even if they do not love the woman. A lot of times they are open with the woman about it. That way they are not being an a**hole and plenty of times the woman takes the deal anyway - she likes him, she's alone, whatever. (I've tried to venture into that territory recently - I like him, I am alone, and he does not love me or want to date me. I discovered soon enough though it was not for me.) It seems you have a good clue or where things are headed - friends with benefits.

Please though....not all men.....please don't group me with selfish self seeking self indulgent men.....

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[Slamjammer]

Hmmm...12 year age difference...."stops by" when visiting family in neighborhood... How long have you known this person? How did this "relationship" ever get to the "kissing/hugging/flirting" stage in the first place?

Pulling no punches.....there is no future here. Without being rude, find a way to gently encourage this person to spend his time elsewhere.

Sounds like he just wants intercourse and does not want you to become part of his life.

[hvert]

From a female perspective, I agree with your gut instinct.

[Perna]

I would run him away in that there is nothing, even with a "friendship" that seems to be working for you? He shows up when he wants, everything is on his schedule? If you do not want casual sex with him (still on his schedule), it does not sound like he is trying for anything more in that he hasn't asked you out or formally put anything into words or asked you what you want, etc.? He sounds confusing and I don't like feeling confused.

[Maria38Divine]

Originally Posted by Slamjammer

Hmmm...12 year age difference...."stops by" when visiting family in neighborhood... How long have you known this person? How did this "relationship" ever get to the "kissing/hugging/flirting" stage in the first place?

Pulling no punches.....there is no future here. Without being rude, find a way to gently encourage this person to spend his time elsewhere.

He was pretty charming in the beginning. Even then, my gut instinct said he was a player, but I dismissed it.

[Maria38Divine]

Thanks All for your replies. I really do appreciate every single one of them. They confirm what I've been suspecting, but not willing to come to terms with. Yes, I'm lonely, and unfortunately it drives me to sometimes make stupid choices for the sake of companionship. You've all given me the guts to put an end to this thing.

Blitter2014, your words on relationship/friendship really resonated with me. Thanks.

Lonliness can certainly put us in a place of desperation.

Based on what you've posted, my gut instinct tells me that any further contact with the guy is, sooner or later, going to land you in a very hurtful place.

Originally Posted by Blitter2014

Please though....not all men.....please don't group me with selfish self seeking self indulgent men.....

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I'm sorry but I have to agree with the above comment. Ummm.. I really do hate that some women make such sweeping generalizations about men. There are plenty of men, like me, that would do no such thing as have sex with a woman they don't love. NOT all but many.

But by the same token there are women who would have sex without attachment just as easily as those men that are that way.

Just sayin

[Maria116]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I'm sorry but I have to agree with the above comment. Ummm.. I really do hate that some women make such sweeping generalizations about men. There are plenty of men, like me, that would do no such thing as have sex with a woman they don't love. NOT all but many.

But by the same token there are women who would have sex without attachment just as easily as those men that are that way.

Just sayin

Okay I should have said SOME men.

I do not desire to have intercourse, yet my desire to be with a female in a relationship is pretty strong. It doesn't have to be just about physical sex, he might appreciate the intimacy that you provide. The dealbreaker (imo) is that he doesn't seem willing to make you part of his life outside the privacy of your bedroom.

[Maria38Divine]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

I do not desire to have intercourse, yet my desire to be with a female in a relationship is pretty strong. It doesn't have to be just about physical sex, he might appreciate the intimacy that you provide. The dealbreaker (imo) is that he doesn't seem willing to make you part of his life outside the privacy of your bedroom.

That's actually the part that irks me the most. Last year, I remember him saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him. This was one Sunday morning while he, me and his brother were having breakfast. I don't think a man would say that if he didn't mean it. But I don't get why he's so unwilling to go out in public with me or do anything outdoors for that matter. I hate that. Our building has a pool and he doesn't even want to go there with me either.

[Travelinglady]

Pardon me for my bluntness, but of course "you're the best thing that's ever happened" to him. He has a potentially free sexual partner at his beck and call.

I agree that you can do much better than him. Please, please think about this relationship very seriously and objectively. Is he the best thing that ever happened to you? Your feelings count! You need and deserve a true boyfriend. Not someone who is just using you.

Please follow through on your plan to move on. Okay?

[Maria38Divine]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Pardon me for my bluntness, but of course "you're the best thing that's ever happened" to him. He has a potentially free sexual partner at his beck and call.

I agree that you can do much better than him. Please, please think about this relationship very seriously and objectively. Is he the best thing that ever happened to you? Your feelings count! You need and deserve a true boyfriend. Not someone who is just using you.

Please follow through on your plan to move on. Okay?

Haha! I get it. He's definitely not the best thing that's ever happened to me. I put an end to it yesterday. You all set me straight and gave me the push I needed to get over this. I now need to move on and stop looking back. Thanks for the extra push.

[soccerdad]

Originally Posted by Maria116

From what I see men will take sex where it is available, even if they do not love the woman. A lot of times they are open with the woman about it. That way they are not being an a**hole and plenty of times the woman takes the deal anyway - she likes him, she's alone, whatever. (I've tried to venture into that territory recently - I like him, I am alone, and he does not love me or want to date me. I discovered soon enough though it was not for me.) It seems you have a good clue or where things are headed - friends with benefits.

All due respect but there are many women out there like this as well. It is not gender specific.

[Travelinglady]

True, soccerdad. I fear, though, that many women give sex sometimes hoping to get love. Of course, there are some who just want sex.

Yea, Maria38Divine! I'm glad to hear the great news! You might be lonely for a bit, but get out with some friends, etc.