[Yismymindblank12]

I've been seriously doing more effort in suppressing my emotions and preferably when I get sad or depressed over something like love and good things like that. I shut it out, I don't want it, I don't like falling for anything, it happens with me too easy. I'm like a girl who goes crazy over channing tatum, zac effron etc equivalent, but as a dude. I have those moments, yeah I may be sensitive, but most of the time. I wish I date a girl like me for once, not some negative nancy jack *** who thinks a relationship. Is partying, booze, and sex with animal names, I stopped dating for a year.
I don't even want to hook up, I don't want marriage my heart can't take it, and I don't want kids. I lost one child to my infatuation of loving someone who I lost my virginity to at 17 who she was a very ****** person. It felt special to me, but it wasn't for her, it was a front to get laid because she was known as the virgin eater at her school. I'm 20 now, focused on my life and music, I want to have a cushy life, but even then with my financial or even career success, I won't probably have anyone complete me, because of my abuse physically, sexually, and emotionally. I'm not one of those emotionally unavailable guys who shuts himself down because he doesn't want to trust, I really do want to trust who I want feel happy with, but in reality.
It's never happened, I can't much of anyone anymore, I'm tired of going through so much **** just to feel loved for a day or 5 minutes. I appreciate what I can get, but I'm so empty. Any time I receive love or admiration from any girl cute or not, I cry hard, because I'm not weak or anything, I can't let myself do that. I don't find it fair and I find it completely insane when women want to force men to marry them or date them. It's insane and sadistic, I call it simple rape, bluntly emotional rape. If I don't want to date you, and you have some sex crazed obsession with me or even relationship weird sick mindset on, don't try to force me into that with my vulnerabilities as me or as a guy. It's why I want a sex change, I know I'm a female deep down, but I'm done with this crap. Seriously I find it baffling most girls, get mad over their bf leaving them without considering their own faults. Not all women are bad, but a lot more are than men now a days, actually I find so many statistics why women get away treated guys and other girls differently and ****** is because that they use their gender as a form of an ok card to treat everyone like ****. It doesn't make you more of a woman how you dress, eat, look, or even love what the culture expects you to. You should just be yourself, I never dated girls who are like that, and on top of that are sane enough to not beat me to death with an smirnoff bottle or jack in my skull to force me to get you more booze and have sex with you. If you saw me in person you wouldn't think I'm like the type of guy, you would see type this stuff.
I'm not important nor do I care to be. I really want the girl ask me out, but not in a creepy way on like first day I meet, like I know this girl for a very long time and she opens up to me she asks me out then out of spontanaity. I think like this how a lot girls think this fantasy like guys in pick up trucks laying in the back looking up into the stars etc. It's sad though it might be what prevents me from any form of love, I don't settle anymore since my last ex I'm continuing to be single for another year and see where it goes from there. I'm saying girls have a closed mindset they have to feel important so their priority is to pick someone perfect and it all revolves around them, but in reality it shouldn't be like this, because they assume guys can get what they want, but girls give it to them. I'm a guy and I hate this a lot, I hate it, it makes me not have respect for you and it makes me feel like I'm an asshole for some girl not being honest with her intentions.
I find this stereotype where girls act like girls and play games, pretending to be cute and step on other tough guys or weaker girls to feel empowered and use feminism to wipe men off the planet. Have you ever considered enough is enough? Why feminism existed is for the women that fought and died for it, were suffering the same **** I am being oppressed no say, because you may not know the sexism has now shifted back to guys, because we've always been known to man up or let it go take it as a man. You'll be fine, to be honest that's meant to keep men manly how it happens in psychology since the dawn of humans, we don't need men to be the boss and women don't have to be in kitchens, it shouldn't matter what anyone should do. You should be yourself, I never fell in love, because all girls and women I've met are self centered assholes, I have lots of female friends, I'm like a girl myself when I had my gossip time, but drama is drama and no one needs to care bout it anymore. I hate it, I would tell a girl if you'd love me as I am you have to accept, I would rather be born of who I am as a woman myself to be with you.
I'm trans gender, but I haven't had the surgery, nor do I cross dress, I dress very masculine suits and ties, and other days I'm like a skater hoodies or comfortable homey person. I would do anything to throw this body away to be a female to have your attention you receive to have that support and be accepted because you were born you didn't have to do anything. I sure needed it when I was beaten, raped, and abused for years as a child and now. I needed those girlfriends, that you go around go shopping or do stupid stuff with talking bout anything from latest movies, talk bout how pretty this girl is, and go watch pretty little liars or mean girls. All those years I regret hearing man up, when all I want is to live in your shoes. I want to get older, be a mother, I want to have a child, I want to have the cramps, I want everything every pain, every stressor everything, because I know I could handle it. I've been through hell and back many times, I was going to be a father of a perfect girl myself, she was aborted and you don't understand how bad that affected me if I was a women, I wanted to be the one pregnant. I wanted to raise that child myself, because I knew I could do it.
I knew my ex couldn't because she only cared bout using people, I would never let her harm our child and she blames it on me, yeah I was lost infatuated in her, but please you aren't perfect either. You only cared bout laying me down every time we meet to get it on, you never meant you loved me when you said it, you called me names and made me feel less of a person, because I was another guy toy. It's women like that is what makes me hate women, but at the same time. I envy you, because I could love and appreciate the world better, with my smiles and outgoing personality. I could show the world who I really am. I could fall in love with another girl if I had your body. I know I'm stuck being a guy, I would rather die than have someone who I didn't love make me love her or marry her when I made no choice in the matter. My body parts should not determine I'm worthy of existence girls have it easy, because guys aren't picky, girls only go for certain dudes it could be from just looks or certain traits or in between, but guys can go for anyone. It's a great combination, but a deadly consequences, because women spend more time trying to hold a man down for negative reasons and get mad over the stupidest ****. Honestly girls, I can't put anything I can't love again, because you are trying so hard to take things so personally and put me down. I'm no longer a human to you, so I accept feeling and wanting because I would do anything I give up everything to love, and live life in your shoes.
Don't tell me it sucks, I have a younger 18 year old sister her friends are a bunch of estrogen tanker trucks and they have lots of energy, but they are cool amazing people. I have heard it all, but in my mind, I don't care, I give up everything even my own life to be a woman just like you.

[bluekoi]

Yismymindblank12, Hello. I feel you pain.

Have you checked out this forum?

Transgender & Other Gender Support - Forums at Psych Central