Having an Affair

Honestly, this is not particularly about me, more about my parents. A year ago, i had found out that my father cheated on my mother. I figured it would be unfair if i don't tell it to my mom so i did. As expected, they had a rough time. They started living apart, wanted to get a divorce etc. But somehow, after a few months, they decided to move on so my father came back to live with us again. With him moving in, i realized that i have grown pretty independent- i'm not close to my family anymore, it's not what it used to be. Now i'm trying to reconnect with them but it doesn't work out so well - i end up living behind the closed doors of my room. On the other hand, i really want to strengthen our bond again and i'm clueless. Any advices?

It's natural for family relationships to change as you get older and become more independent. That sounds like a really awkward situation and I could definitely imagine feeling less of a bond after that experience.

When you say that you try to reconnect but it doesn't work so well, what do you mean?

For example i sat next to them and start a casual conversation asking about their day and i can simply sense that our relationship has lowered down. It's like talking to someone who used to be your bff and now is just an acquaintance. So unavoidably, i give up and pull away. The more i try, the more i fall apart, it's like a vicious cycle.

Ahhh, I see. Have you tried to tell them how you feel and what you have noticed? It's possible that they are stressed by trying to work things out between them and not sensitive to your needs.

Have you been able to forgive your dad for having an affair and your mom for the temporary break-up, then getting back together again? All that stuff messed up the dynamic of your family big time. That means it impacted you, as it is still doing. Maybe the place to start is trying to find forgiveness in your own heart for them messing things up.

Slowly, over time, things may improve, but right now, they're both probably walking on eggshells ... and maybe afraid that if they talk to you seriously about anything that you'll tell the other parent. So maybe fear and distrust are lingering below the surface of it all. Your dad's affair was the problem, not you telling your mom. But people have a tendency to resent the messenger, which is wrong, but that is, unfortunately, the way most humans respond. They're only human and that means they'll make plenty of mistakes in life. If you can forgive them for upsetting the entire family dynamic, things may slowly improve. At least, you'll know that you're doing the right thing, even if they take longer to settle down.

You're probably right... I haven't really been able to forgive them for all these stuff. Maybe i should give their time and at the same while, i may try to clear things up in my head. Accepting what happened seems to be the very first step of moving on.

Thanks a lot for your support and good wishes

Forgiveness helps us personally. When we carry anger or hurt from the actions of others, it impacts us more than it does those we are angry at. Forgiving them will help yourself a lot. Big Hugs.

Just looking at it from a different angle here but could it be that your parents (or at least your dad) view you as part of the reason for their problems? Sometimes when someone reveals a hurtful truth to someone about a loved one the 2 people affected can carry resentment towards the "whistleblower". This is especially true when people work it out as we generally need somewhere to direct our anger and when we choose not to direct it at the people we have hurt or hurt us then it tends to go somewhere else.

It's a logical point of view actually, but in this case, it's unlikely. My dad never knew i was the one who told my mom - mom wanted to keep me out of it, saying it was between her and dad. I even doubt if he realized that i know about the affair since all he told when he was moving out was "they needed some space". He probably thought he never gave a hint to me and i didn't confort him either.

I slipped up nd my ex who was my boyfriend stuck himself single nd so i did to bt i feel bad bt he doesnt think so. bt i guess it will get better. Every one slips up bt it happens once a yr. So its a hard habbit to get through. I was never like this before.