[Mauvaise foi]

I could really need some help/thoughts/advices right now, as I am in so much stress.
Sorry for the long post.

I’ve been in a relationship with my ex girlfriend since February 2013. It was great, she even told me I was one of the best things that had happened in her life. In the end of March this year however, we kind of broke up, because of her not feel well due to mental issues. The reasons she gave me at the give were quite vague, but she didn’t even know herself what was going on. She said she still didn’t want to lose me, and we remained in contact. I tried my best to be as understanding as possible, telling her that I will always be there for her. She appreciated it very much, and she still said that I was one of the finest persons she has ever known.

Although, I can be a little needy sometimes, and at some point I felt that I couldn’t take it anymore. For about two months I tried to hide how difficult it really was for me. I would tell her it was difficult, but not in what extent. We saw each other only one time during those two months, which resulted in that the longing and the missing after her was too much for me to take. So when she asked me one day how I was, I told her that I felt worse than I would admit to myself or anyone else. She really cared about me, and during the weekend we talked about it and she really tried to cheer me up.

The following week, I behaved very inconsistent towards her. I was not mean in any way, but I would tell her one day that I could not promise her anything romantically in the future but that my friendship will always be there for her, the next day I apologized and said I would always be there to support her. But then, at the end of the week, when we spoke on the phone, I felt devastated when I heard her voice because I missed her so much. I ended up telling her once again that I couldn’t promise her anything except my friendship right now. And then apologized again the day after. She was very understanding with me, and she told me that my inconsistency was understandable in this situation. She told me she still liked me, but that she was emotionally exhausted at the moment due to her illness.

Everything seemed reasonably fine, until two days after. I made what I right now feel to be the biggest mistake of my life. With nothing but the best of intentions, I ordered some D-vitamins to her over the internet (in her name, as this was the only possible choice). We had spoken before about her illness condition maybe was seasonal defective disorder (SAD), even though she was skeptical. At the moment, I didn’t think it was that harmful, or that big of a deal.

But she became very hurt. She lashed out at me, that she wanted me to never contact her again and other mean things. She thought that she didn’t deserve being disrespected in this way. I panicked. Tried to apologize several times, and wrote her an email trying to explain that I didn’t meant to hurt her. She told me to just leave her alone.

I couldn’t sleep at all that night, and in the morning I wrote her another email apologizing. She still wanted to be left alone, and she told me that she had no idea if she could forgive me.

I drank heavily the following evening, ended up sending her another email. This time a bit more angry, but I still apologized and didn’t say anything mean to her. I wrote that I thought all day on exactly why she became that hurt, and that I didn’t understand it. I asked her if all that I’ve done for her during the latest months meant nothing now due to one mistake?

She tried to call me that evening two times, but I had turned my phone off. She replied to my email instead, saying that she was very hurt and felt very offended by what I had done. She apologized for lashing out at me, but told me that my behavior drained her energy right now.
She needed that energy to focus on her illness instead. She wrote that maybe in the future we could talk to each other again, but that right now she wanted to be left alone. She wished me well, and said that she meant it, even if she still was upset and hurt.

The day after, I replied to her mail. And my reply was ridiculous long. I mean really ridiculous. I apologized once again, and agreed to give her space (although I could have done it in a much more smooth way).

She didn’t answer, of course. I gave her space for three and a half weeks, then I wrote her a message saying:

"Hey. Hope you are taking care of yourself. Wanted to say sorry about all the drama last time. As you surely understood, it was an emotionally difficult time for me. Still terrible conscience about how hurt you must have been due to my lack of understanding and insensitivity. Never wanted to hurt you. Have thought a lot, would appreciate if we could talk it out some day. Respect if you don't want to or don't have the energy right now. I am here. Still cares a lot about you. Look after yourself."

She responded:

“It feels very dicey to hear from you in this way. Did not think it was possible to misunderstand what I wrote in my mail. I do not feel well, and work a lot. Do not feel like talking out. Not now or in the near future. I can get in touch when I’m better possibly, but do not know if I cope to tear more in the wounds. I hope that you are doing well. Take care of yourself.”

I responded:

"I understand. Sorry, wish you the best."

That was now over a week ago.

When she lashed out at me she said she was depressed. I’ve read a lot about depression since then, and I can see now that I’ve done most things totally wrong. I beat myself up for being so uncomprehending.

I guess the best thing to do is to give her the space she needs, but it’s really difficult for me.
I really do want to do what’s best for her at the moment, but at the same time I am really afraid that I might lose her for good.

Can't help still beating myself up over what happened in the past. It's really hard stop overanalyzing every word I've said to her. I know it's destructive and of no use. But it is really difficult not to.

I will try my best to respect her wishes, and not contact her, even though my last message maybe was interpreted wrong by her. I don't know.

This is what I am thinking:

My ex's birthday is coming up in about a month.
I will not contact her during this time, then write her a short and light no-pressure email / short message wishing her happy birthday,
and tell her that I still do care for her.

And then I will leave it up to her if she someday will be interested in any firther contact.

In the meantime I will try my best to focus on myself and my own happiness, as hard as it is though.

Does this sound like a good idea, or not? What to do!?

[hvert]

This is just my opinion, and I am only getting the little bit of the story that one can get reading it on a forum posting.

I like your idea about not contacting her again. I would not even contact her on her birthday. You guys broke up in March, but by staying in touch all of this time, you haven't had to deal with all the pain of breaking up. It's like it is coming to you in dribs and drabs, as you hold out hope that one day she will feel better and you will reconcile.

I would not beat yourself up about the things you may or may not have done wrong. It takes two to tango. She sounds like she has some serious problems, and while it's nice that you want to help her, you can't fix those problems.

So my advice would be to detach from her and start moving on to new friendships and new relationships. Maybe some day in the far future (i.e. years) you two will reconnect as friends -- but for now, she has said twice that she wants to be left alone. I would leave her alone. If she reaches out, I would probably still leave her alone, because who needs that kind of emotional drama in their lives?

I hope it gets easier as time goes by. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[A Red Panda]

I wouldn't message her for her birthday either.

I understand the need for space when depressed - I need it too. I just can't imagine telling someone I care about that I wanted zero contact with them. In fact, I personally crave contact with the people I care about when I'm depressed, even if I'm terrified of destroying things with them!

If she wants zero contact with you, then it's over. If for no other reason than the fact that you don't deserve that. No matter how depressed she is, she can't just erase you from her life and then pick it back up later when it's convenient for her. Relationships, and friendships, require taking care of each others' needs - she's completely neglecting yours.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Mauvaise foi

Do not feel like talking out. Not now or in the near future. I can get in touch when I’m better possibly

She does not want to hear from you, she will get in touch with you if she wants to, in the future. I would not contact her at all. It is not about what you did or did not do, say, or mean; she does not feel like contact.

[waiting4]

I totally agree with all three replies, they are very clear Mauvaise foi...possibly more clear than she was with you, at the beginning of your break up in March.

At this point, it's not a hint or a suggestion. It's a demand. Treat it that way. And like the above posts point out, who needs this kind of drama?

If you still feel it's so difficult for you, and I do get that you might, consider seeking out a counselor or Therapist and hash through your feelings with them. They will probably tell you the same thing we are, but they will probably have more insight into what is going on with her, which might help you move forward in your life, without her, and without the left over guilt you appear to be carrying.

Take care

[PeachCream22]

She doesn't seem to know that what she is doing is hurting you. I know she has a mental illness and this may cause a lot of her emotional drama to you, but I think you should really just respect her wishes (not saying you aren't, you seem to be trying really hard to make things right) and leave her alone. She doesn't seem to appreciate or know what you are going through (again, it might be because of her illness, idk), but you should really take care of yourself. And that means no contact. There is no other way. Because as cliche as this sounds, if it's meant to be, it will be.

Take care of yourself and stop beating yourself up over up. You tried really hard to make this relationship work. It's okay to still have feelings, but you really gotta let go and take care of yourself first before you try to patch things up for anyone, including her.