[cailin caillte]

I am someone who takes my friendships seriously because I don't have many close friends, but many acquaintances. But anyways, there's this friend I've known for a while, but to put it straight there are aspects of her personality that really annoy me, those little annoying habits, that have gotten quite bad recently (well I've come to notice them more). She has **** going on in her life and I completely understand that sometimes it can make you become really focused on yourself which I completely understand and sympathise with.

But should I tell her that some of the stuff she does annoys me (without coming across as someone who wants to change the person they are), among other various things, it's a very long and complicated story.

I realise 100 percent that relationships take a lot of work! and I really want to put in that work, she is a really close friend. But sometimes it doesn't feel reciprocated, as in, she doesn't seem to put in the same amount of work.
I know I have many many flaws but try to change myself if I am annoying someone ect...

Just need some down to earth advice !

[Perna]

Hi, cailin caillte. I cannot tell from your post what sort of annoyances you are experiencing but it sounds like it has to do with her being focused on herself and not participating in the relationship as much as you would like? I don't know that we can really comment much about that, other than to tell someone we "miss" them. If she interrupts you with her own stuff, you should speak up and gently remind her, "I'm speaking now" but if she is not participating in the relationship as much as you'd like, I don't think you can "beat a dead horse" so-to-speak and "make" her participate? I would look for another friend who is more into the friendship.

[A Red Panda]

Like Perna, I'm not sure what it is that she does that annoys you? What are the little annoying habits? Depending on what they are, it might be the sort of thing you could point out to her, or they might just be the sort of thing that you'll have to accept and live with.

When it comes to it feeling like you're participating more in the friendship, you could tell her that you miss her. You could also try setting up a friend-date with the rule of "When we go and do X, we're both ignoring all the negative stuff in our lives and just living in the moment and having fun!" (Some of my friends and I do that... we ban certain topics while we're out or we'll just end up ranting the whole time!)

Originally Posted by cailin caillte

I am someone who takes my friendships seriously because I don't have many close friends, but many acquaintances. But anyways, there's this friend I've known for a while, but to put it straight there are aspects of her personality that really annoy me, those little annoying habits, that have gotten quite bad recently (well I've come to notice them more). She has **** going on in her life and I completely understand that sometimes it can make you become really focused on yourself which I completely understand and sympathise with.

But should I tell her that some of the stuff she does annoys me (without coming across as someone who wants to change the person they are), among other various things, it's a very long and complicated story.

I realise 100 percent that relationships take a lot of work! and I really want to put in that work, she is a really close friend. But sometimes it doesn't feel reciprocated, as in, she doesn't seem to put in the same amount of work.
I know I have many many flaws but try to change myself if I am annoying someone ect...

Just need some down to earth advice !

it really depends on the nature of the annoyances and the behaviors of the person in question. What I mean is, if someone annoys you because of some unconscious behaviors or difficult to control things that would be soemthing I would not necessarily bring up but you would need to deal with personally. For example I had a friend and coworker that had severe tourettes to the point it was (especially at first) really distracting to see during conversations. He had behaviors such as making gutteral noised in the middle of conversations and gestures such as hitting his mouse a couple of times a certain way.. all during the course of normal activity. Now, it was distracting and unnerving, but it would never have been right of me to tell him it was so at any point because it's not something he was able to control. Those kinds of things are not appropriate to address with anyone because it will only serve to shame them for their disorder.

If the behavior is something to do with interactions with you, in some cases making the other person aware of how they affect you is appropriate. Say it's something in the way she says things, is critical of you etc... yes it's ok to say something but keep in mind, to remember it's your reaction to her behavior not necessarily her intent. Unless she does things that are purposefully done in order to annoy you, making it a personal attack would be wrong.

So in framing your approach, I would say letting her know how it affects YOU, not making her behavior wrong or anything is the best way to breach taht subject. Say it's someone that is critical of others and puts you on edge. Telling them that "I know you're a person that is very honest and open about your opinion of others but it really puts me on edge when you do that." is just leaving the ball in their court to ignore, change or otherwise address how they behave. That's all you can really do though.

Hope this helps.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think you sort of left out the "story" part in an attempt to be uber PC. Well, don't feel bad about letting it out. You're anonymous here, and filling us in is the only way we can really help you.