[TG55]

So I've been in a relationship for a little while now, and I'm very worried that I'm going to sabotage this relationship because of my problems. I don't feel like I'm connecting with my boyfriend at the level I really want to. Our interactions are shallow at best, and he's been trying really hard to get to know me better, but I never let the conversations get much past small talk. It's not that I don't like him in a romantic way, I just can't seem to trust him enough to open up emotionally.

I have a very hard time connecting with other people, and I rarely notice my own positive emotions, so I have become very pessimistic when it comes to relationships. Every time someone approaches me to be even just a friend, let alone for a romantic relationship, I subconsciously start to prepare myself for them to leave me. I find myself testing them to see whether or not they'll leave, and without fail they always do.

I've been very on-edge around my boyfriend lately, since I've started to think more and more about how he would react if I tested him the same way I'd test others. I often find myself getting angry with him because he took too long to contact me, or he ignored something I said, and I start to think that he's the one with the problem, or that he doesn't care about me. I'm worried that I might deliberately start a fight with him just to see what happens. That's all I can think about these days, so I've been trying to avoid talking too much with him so as not to start anything. He's started to notice that I've been distant, and he has been asking about it, but I don't know how to explain it to him. He doesn't know about my anxiety or self esteem issues, and I don't know how or if I should talk with him about it.

Any advice?

[A Red Panda]

I definitely hear you on this.

Unfortunately, I don't have any good/simple advice for you! I've always been much the same way.... and the only way I've been getting out of it is forcing myself to open up (I started with "easy" hard topics for myself... things I was emotionally cut off from, but that I wasn't comfortable sharing....) and basically repeating to myself that X isn't Y and that I can't treat people as if they're my past people.

So.... I'm at the point where I can share a lot of things about myself more easily, and I've even been approaching the realllllllly hard ones for myself with my current bf. I totally want to bolt each time I try, but I haven't. I just have to keep reminding myself that he isn't my past, and that I simply can't test him - people alllllways fail tests if they don't know they're having one.

You can definitely talk to him about your anxiety and self-esteem issues. I'd personally start with anxiety as it seems a bit more accessible. I know it'll be super hard, but you can do it! Just start small.

[ChipperMonkey]

Sometimes its just a matter of taking a leap of faith and opening up. Yes, its scary, but if nothing changes, then nothing changes. The reward could be great----a higher level of connection with your boyfriend. If things don't go well, then better to know now and be able to move on to someone else instead of wasting time on someone who is unable to love you and support you as you are.

[waiting4]

You haven't said how long you've been in this relationship with your bf, but if he's starting to notice, then it probably means it's time to take baby steps and let him know what's going on with you. I've been in the same place you have, but not so worried that I'd 'test' the man (or woman friend for that matter) but just that I would do something inadvertantly to muck it up. It's an unfortunate place to find yourself, and doesn't do anything to help self-esteem issues.

I agree whole heartedly with red_panda...start small, and with the easier to grasp anxiety issues...nearly everyone has been anxious at one time or another in their life so it should be easy for him to relate to. And I think, the sharing will reassure him you're not getting bored with him, and that the distance he perceives is about anxiety, not your desire to end things.

Men get anxious about that too, after all. Even 'nons'

Take care

[OtioseM3]

I went too far, due to my anxiety I scared her away now we are friends :/ with the possibly of being in a relationship.

[OtioseM3]

Originally Posted by OtioseM3

I went too far, due to my anxiety I scared her away now we are friends :/ with the possibly of being in a relationship.

Basically I rushed it