[oceansoftime]

I took the sanity test and it just confirmed I am more messed up than what I thought I was. So, I decided I am going to be brutally honest and post about my life.

I would like to warn that there will be lots of triggers. I hope I don't upset anyone.

I am an only child who only had parents and grandparents, no other family. I never had babysitters. My parents did not show me affection or tell me they loved me. I felt taken care of but not loved. I was not played with or cuddled. I was taught to be proper at all times, speak and act correctly. I was also taught that girls don't cry or show emotion, we do that behind closed doors.

We lived in a very small town and my parents decided to move back to the city where the family was originally from.

At the age of 10, my grandmother told me that my mom, me and herself where going to another country to visit relatives. I was so excited! I met all of my grandmother's relatives and visited old castles and experienced a new culture. We were staying at my grandmother's brother's house. Every night the house would fill up with people who wanted to meet us, it was a party every night. One morning I was helping my great uncle dry a mountain of dishes and he told me to come into the garden with him. I followed behind him down the hall to the garden, it was very dark. It was there that he sexually abused me. I spent the rest of the trip acting proper and trying to avoid him. He would try to grab at me when he had a chance. I don't know how at 10 yrs old I knew it wasn't my fault but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause problems. After I got home he would send me little gifts and notes. My family thought it was sweet but they didn't know the true meaning. I put it out of my mind the best I could, it helped me that he lived a million miles away. When I was 14, my dad said the relatives were coming for a visit. I remembered pleading and begging, crying to my parents to let me go to summer camp. But it fell on deaf ears, I couldn't miss my family coming and it wasn't proper for me to leave. The first chance he got, he grabbed me and hugged me tight telling me he loved and missed me and how beautiful I had become. I got the strength to push him away and I told him that if he ever touched me again that I was going to tell. He never did. Years later after I was married I got the courage to tell my mom and she laughed and told me that he tried that with everyone. She didn't care.

I absolutely loved the city growing up as a teenager. My parents allowed me to come and go because I was responsible, had a part time job at 14yrs old and I never ever caused a problem or issue. I never questioned authority. I also had a boyfriend who I knew I was going to marry. We loved each other very much. I loved my life. Then, one day my dad said we were going to move back to the small town that we used to live. I protested (the first time in my life) and I told my parents that at 18 yrs old I was old enough to stay behind and live my life. My parents did not know what to do so they called my grandmother. No one ever made a life decision without consulting her. She told me if I didn't go she would disown me and I would not get my inheritance and I would be a disappointment.

I went from a city of half a million to a village of 300. No love, no job, no friends, my life was over. I experienced depression for the first time.

I did start to meet a few friends but I was always the outsider. One day I called my friend and her mom answered. The mom said she was a little upset that her daughter and I where late the other night. I profusely apologized and hung up. I went to my parents medicine cabinet and swallowed every pill I could find. After I did I panicked thinking of all the trouble I was going to cause. I called the hospital and then police came and got me. My dad came in, he was annoyed he had to leave work and asked me if this had to do with some boy. Much later in life I found out the reason why my dad was so cold to me is that he wanted a boy. He resented the fact I was a girl and not the boy he wanted.

I eventually went to hairstyling school in a near by small city. I was in class when a new class came in and I locked eyes with the most gorgeous man ever. I instantly fell in love. We were quick friends and spent every single second together. He never indicated he was interested in me and I didn't care. I was just happy to be his friend.

I got a job very quickly but "S" didn't. After awhile he decided he was going to move and take a job hours away. He left and I didn't tell him how I felt. I just went through the motions of life, my joy was gone.

I did move away from my parents to the small city. Eventually my mom and dad divorced after my mom couldn't take my dad's drinking and cheating.

When I was growing up I had a weight problem. I remember my grandmother telling me I should be grateful to find a man because men don't like fat girls and I should settle with whoever gave me any interest.

I did meet someone and we were going to get married. While he was out, there was a knock on the door and it was "S"! He swept me into his arms and told me that he missed me. I told him I was getting married, he was stunned because we had not spoke in about a year.

Many many years later "S" told me he had come to my apartment that night with an engagement ring. He was in love with me.

The day I got married "S" was there, we were talking but not looking at each other. He said I was beautiful and that I should have married him.

One day I got home and my H was putting huge pieces of meat into the fridge and I asked him where he got it. He said he got it from his mom. And he was got a huge bag full of change. I thought it was strange because his parents couldn't afford anything.

About a week later a man called and told me that my H had broken into his house and stole food and money. My H confessed and the man said he wouldn't call the police if H would help with his interior design business. I told him to go help as long as the police wouldn't be contacted.

My H always had to help at night. Who decorates at night? But he was my husband so I would trust in him and as long as the other guy was happy. H came in one night, very late and very drunk. He confessed he lost his job months ago and the man he was working for to pay off his stealing debt was actually setting him up on gay dates. My H was a male prostitute. I was so stunned that I didn't see my H come up and push me on the bed. I tried to fight back but he got ahold of me and handcuffed me. He made me perform oral sex on him while he told me what he did with the men. I threw up and he left me there for the night handcuffed in my own vomit. I left the next day with our daughter who he hasn't seen since. She is now 23yrs old.

A few years later I met a guy who was older and liked my daughter. He asked me to marry him. We were going to get married at Disneyland. Everyone was thrilled. A week later I found out I was pregnant. I took him out to tell him and to celebrate. He dropped me off at home after dinner and that was the last time I saw him. He eventually left the country and has never seen his son.

In between all of this, I always had a really good career. I am always successful at what I do. I do have to thank my parents for their strict work ethic.

I did reconnect with "S" and we were intimate when neither one of us were dating someone but we never got the relationship.

Soon after my son was born, I was introduced to the brother of my daughter's teacher. We hit it off, he reminded me so much of "S", they even have the same tattoo on the same part of their body. He came from a great family, they were hard workers who also liked to spend time together and have fun. A huge family. I loved holidays when they easily have 50 people for Christmas dinner.

He wasn't working because he was laid off his job but I didn't mind paying the bills. I was happy I finally found someone, someone who loved my kids and my parents like him as well. I didn't feel like I was settling.

Two years flew by before I found out I was pregnant with twins. My father got "P" a job at his company. I had twin girls.

Eventually "S" and "P" met and they hit it off with each other. They enjoyed hanging out together and I was very honest with "P" about "S".

"P" is never affectionate with me. I don't get I love yous. Not even the day the twins where born did he say he loved me. No gifts, no notes nothing. I still make sure he gets presents but I do not tell him I love him.

"P" decided he didn't want to work anymore and his mom started to give him enough money to substitute a wage. "P" settled into a day of playing video games and smoking pot. He had a whole day of no me and no kids. I had just started my dream job and I was bringing in sales higher than any employee past or present. I am completely driven at work. I can sell a freezer to an Eskimo. I always have to be the best. I am a different person at work.

So I was working and "P" told me he went out and he bought an IPhone with his "allowance" (lol) , I immediately started to feel a bit hinky about the whole cell phone thing. Why did he need a cell phone? I let it drop and kinda got into the whole IPhone thing, I earned mine. While this was going on, he and I found Facebook, and he started to find old friends and I started to feel very insecure. I kept thinking he has the whole day to do whatever he wants. I am very technically inclined and when I got angry at him one day I grabbed his phone and put a program on his phone to have a copy of all texts sent to a email address. I've seen him text many girl friends of his and get flirty with them. I've seen him get flirty with friends of mine but they all turn him down. He has told our personal business to people that don't need to know anything. I'm a very private person ( with this exception ) and I don't discuss my family with anyone. I was raised that we do not talk about our family business. He has put me down to make him look good to get someone to be interested in him. He started an emotion affair with "T" he has gone over to her house to smoke pot and he will tell me he went to his brothers. On Mother's Day, he texted "T" and told her she was the most beautiful mom he knew. I have absolutely no proof they have been intimate. They have never indicated it in text but he does try. He has been texting her for 4 years and I've seen it all.

I always knew that "S" was bi-curious and he would tell me about the couple of experiences he had. He knew I would understand him. "S" texted "P" and started to ask if he had ever had bi-curious feelings and "P" said yes and they have been intimate a couple of times within a couple of years. And then they stopped texting.

During all this time I kept it all in. I didn't dare tell anyone. "P" couldn't understand why I was snappy and cold. I hated him touching me. I started to drink heavily. Every night I would drink a bottle of wine. I hid a lot of It. I absolutely love drinking and if I could be drunk everyday I would. But I know this is a very slippery slope for me and now only drink once a month for one night, but I binge drink. I make sure the twins, ( who are now 14 ) are taken care of for the night. I will not be drunk in front of the kids. Even when I was drinking the most I hid the bottles and glasses.

A year ago "P" decided to get a new phone and I haven't been able to see any texts, he has locked his phone. I have huge anxiety about this. It stresses me out I don't know what he is doing.

I'm not the person I used to be. I'm completely numb, depressed, I constantly worry, my mind will not turn off. Nothing makes me happy anymore but when I'm in the presence of my children I always try to be upbeat and happy.

I have tried therapy. The waiting list for low cost therapy is 6 mths. I waited the 6 ths and had 2 sessions but stop going because I just didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to talk about my troubles. I told my doctor I needed some help and asked for meds, he told me to exercise more... go figure.

Sometimes things go upbeat and positive for a couple of weeks and then I can feel the depression set in, sometimes I want to feel low and depressed and I welcome it. Maybe I don't feel that I should be happy. Sometimes I really start to laugh and then I stop and feel low again.

2 days ago, "S" emailed "P" and asked him if he wanted to get together and for him to send his cell number and "P" did. "S" has now been married for a year.

I fantasize about not being with "P" and my children are out on their own taking over the world. I just want to be alone, be by myself. I've lost me and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[glok]

Hello, oceansoftime. You have had to endure a lot in your life. As strong as you are, I ask you to seek professional help. Getting better will be difficult. You must decide if the effort is worth it. I hope you give it a go. You deserve better.

I wish you well.

[Rose3]

Would you consider trying therapy again? You mentioned having had 2 sessions already - so maybe therapy can be of some help with all these things that concern you.

[Puglife]

You have quite a life story. Your husband clearly doesn't love and respect you and he is not contributing to the family. You owe it to yourself and your twins to not allow his behavior anymore. Plus he is putting your health at risk. I may have missed it but why do you need low cost counseling if you have a good job? I definitely think you need to get into therapy to help you deal with your marriage, depression and parenting.

I wish you the best of luck!

[oceansoftime]

Thanks for your replies... Yes it's time to get this taken care of. Where I live there is 3 therapists, 2 charge 100.00 an hour and the other is for lower income but a 6 mth wait.

[~Christina]

You are so very strong to have lived your life.. It's okay to reach for help anyway you can... Your husband is just using you in my opinion.. I do think seeing a Therapist would really help you sort out your feelings and all this abuse you are being put through and help you decide what you want out of life and how you want to live . You deserve much better.

Take care and welcome to PC