I want a baby with the love of my life, she can't have one

healingme4me · Jul 10, 2014, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mimag33

Not physically abusive to them, but she says he was always yelling and throwing things at or around them. At first even if it was her fault like breaking a plate, he'd take it out on the kids. Then after the 2nd year, he took it all out on all of them. I don't live there. I only come over on my days off and the kids love me. Tell me they wish I was their dad. Her oldest daughter, 12, tells her he's just as bad when they're over there as he was when he was home. They are glad she divorced him cause now they have me.

They divorced right before I met her a year ago, she and the kids stayed in a women's shelter for a couple weeks while he moved out. Weird part is I met him with her after they divorced, he wanted to be my friend cause he liked me and thought I was a good guy. Then he mentioned a few times to her that she should date me.... what was that about?

I have no clue, why he'd say that?

Kids sound attached, to you. My late stepdad lived a life, with no biological children of his own. I was his only stepchild. Had known him since I was 5/6 years old. He was as doting on me, as he would have, had he had his own. Even his mom, ensured, I was as equally accounted for, as her biological grandchildren. With being a supportive partner to her, with four kids, are you even ready for the exhaustion, time, energy, finances, that a fifth child would bring, if her doctors, upon sitting with Both of you, agreed to it? What about a c section? Maybe the stress of her husband, contributed? ?

I still say, there's nothing wrong, with her giving you an out, now, before ya'll get too attached and truly devastated. It's a single mom, thing.....

Know why, it's a single mom thing? Personally, my ex is oft gruff and emotionally unavailable to the kids, history, rather tune out than tune in...
I'll be damned if I'm going to bring someone into their world, to have them walk out on them, because they weren't sure, deep down....it's a commitment and then some...

That's maternal, not insecure and guilt nor manipulation. ..just sayin
Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Gentle Lamb · Jul 11, 2014, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Marriage complicates and exacerbates pre-existing issues, it doesn't fix them.

That would be entrapment! and it will kill the remaining good between you.

Gentle Lamb · Jul 11, 2014, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mimag33

We HAVE talked about marriage. I just didn't mention it in the original post, have in the 3rd post of mine. And she is as fixated on me as I am on her. She wishes I'd have proposed by now but she is one to jump in to things, the way she was raised. And I was raised to give things time, and make sure it's the right decision before jumping into it. I have known her and her kids for a year and have only been dating 6 months. Anyway, we are totally in love. We both feel like the relationship is near perfect... we're both honest, open, loyal, attracted to each other completely, completely shared interests. She respects my views and I respect hers. Our few fights are more discussions than fights and we understand each other. we both feel like people search for what we have their whole lives and half don't find it. This is the ONLY issue we have. I know you have to sacrifice for what you want, and I know it'd be my decision to stay if I don't have kids, so it wouldn't harbor resentment towards her since I'm responsible for my own life and decisions. I'm just at a point where I feel like the 2nd dad. And even though their real dad only takes them 4 days a month and mostly leaves them with his parents, I don't know if they'd love me as dad as apposed to love me as mike. P.s. we are on a break right now as of today for. Few weeks with no communication so I can think without seeing her to cloud my thoughts with emotions, and so she knows I've had this time away to think about things thoroughly. And I'm not trying to be the knight in shining armor. She deals with their drama, I'm only there for support. She is very independent, which I love, and I let her talk with him as much as she needs, and she takes care of that situation. I don't have a thing to do with that drama.

If this relationship is as perfect as you claim, then why sabotage it with the pressure and demand to have another child?!

I am a mother of 2 adult children, she has 4, that is a lot of hard work! Raising kids is tiring and stressful even for the strongest of parents. Top that off with the fact that another pregnancy would be dangerous for her, to press for another kid is down right insensitive and selfish on your part! Sounds to me that what you want is more important to you. Continue with that thinking and you will destroy what you have. Are you willing to pay that price?

eskielover · Jul 12, 2014, 11:47 AM

Quote:

That's how I feel. But I still have this nagging animalistic voice in the back of my head like are your genes not good enough? You'll never have that joy of unconditional love from being the only dad. Nobody could truly say they get that from you, or they take after you cause they will always be his kids. They won't love you the same as they'd love their own father....

Got news for you.....just because you are the sperm doner dad.....doesn't mean they will love you just because of that.....it's like with any dad....whether you are there's or not....IT"S HOW YOU TREAT THEM THAT WILL GAIN YOU THEIR LOVE. There were things about my dad that made NO connection between us.....I always was glad that he worked nights & that my junior high counselor would go to the father daughter nights with me. Even though my Dad didn't drink or do drugs....there were so many things that just embarrassed the hell out of me when I was with him. Has nothing to do with being the one who donates the sperm & even if you are a dad that stays with the home.....it honestly depends on how you relate to the kids that is the ONLY THING that counts.

You are the one that's putting the pressure on her to have kids with this attitude......& she's wavering because she wants to Please you......I'm sure she's a people pleaser or she wouldn't be wavering the way she is.....I would have flat out told you NO WAY.....& if you didn't like it....get out of my life. I would NEVER risk my life to have a kid just because some guy has got this guy thing going that has to have kids that resemble him.....to even think that it has to do with your genes not being "good enough" when it has to do with HER LIFE.....just think about what you are thinking & telling her........you are also telling her that SHE ISN'T good enough because she's too weak & sickly to have another kid FOR YOU.

Sorry, that that's just poorly thought through male arrogance & wanting to live in a dream world that DOESN'T EXIST.

Perna · Jul 12, 2014, 12:04 PM

It sounds to me like the issue is in your head and heart alone? If she cannot have any more babies and you do not want her to have any more babies because of the risk, you have to reconcile that in your self if you want to stay with her.

I was raised by a stepmother and am a stepmother to my husband's 3 sons. After we married I asked my husband how he felt about more children (my desire to have a child of my own sounds similar to your desire to sire one) and he responded, "been there, done that" :-) I wanted my children to have an interested/active father so decided to forego having any of my own. My first desire was to live with and love my husband so that is what I have done. Do I wish I had had children? Yes. I would have liked to have had a child of my own. Would I want a child whose father was lukewarm toward him/her and thus whose care and raising would have perhaps come between me and my husband? No.

We cannot have everything we want in life? It is all choices, go and do X or go and do Y. Do you want to stay and love this woman or do you want to find another woman you can love and raise children with?

roseblossom · Jul 12, 2014, 02:04 PM

I think its an understandable desire to have a baby, but at the same time many people can't have a child of their own - it's not always a given - there are many people in a similar situation. Many people decide to adopt - there are so many babies and small children out there who desperately need someone to love them and who have literally no family member able to care for them.

You have been so blessed to find someone that you really love and who reciprocates your love - and it sounds as if her children are keen on having you around. I agree with posters who have said that its how you interact and care for them that will make all the difference as to how they feel about you. I'm speaking as an adult who had a stepfather who never accepted me as one of his own which left struggling through till adulthood. Children can tell if you want them around or not, and being in their lives you have a chance to make a real difference to them and their development.

It sounds as if maybe you are struggling because their biological dad is around still - but it will be you and their mother that her children will spend most of their time with (if he sees them for occasional visits) and therefore your influence has the potential to be far greater.

Menu

I want a baby with the love of my life, she can't have one

My Support Forums