Boys Don't Lie??

This is my first post
I have been married for 2 years. My husband is from the UK and has just received his permanent visa to live here permanently (happy dance!!) but due to some unforseen circumstances-his boys won't be moving here permanently so he has to go back to England with them to finish off their last 2 years of high school.

Long story short-they are twins who will be 16 in Agust- and my husband actually believes they always tell the truth. My son is 20 and is an amazing young man, but he is a normal- so I know the pretty common lies for a teen etc.

My stepson was up @5:00 AM talking on his laptop today, I told my husband and he went into check, then came out and said "he said he was hot and couldnt sleep" mind you its a breezy morning today-no humidity- the curtains are out straight- so I laughed and asked him if he believed it and he said "of course-he wouldn't lie" and I said he is 16 and I have heard that line before lol and he said his boys never lie (I also work in the schools and know thats its common- and I dont mind him staying up during the summer once and a while, all my sons friends have done it) they always tell me the truth. So I said my son must have been a pretty rotten kid because he told lies once and a while at that age, and my husband said "I guess I will have to expect them to lie sometime in the future but they don't"

My jaw dropped open, I am amazed to think he believes them all the time. (Actually not that amazed- I finally asked him about the elephant in the room ie- his parenting style- and its basically to do everything for his children until they are 18- I mean he checks on them and gets them drinks and snacks when they ask, they have no chores ever, and he cooks them what they want when they want it- butters their toast for them, cleans their room, will go out of his way not to inconvenience them... it hasn't been a huge issue at this point since they are almost never here so I let it go)
I know kids and I know that my stepsons have lied before. There is nothing I can do to change my husbands mind that they lie- but am I wrong to think they can be that perfect? When my stepson was up I said how bad it is that he was so hot, and he started up immediately with excuses why- there were lights coming in their window that kept him up, I said the shades are light blocking and they should have closed them and he kind of laughed and said he will.

My husband and I are having some bumps in the marriage about some other things and its difficult because with the distance and costly airfares-- its been since last September we have seen each other --and its difficult to transition at first when the boys visit for the summer, and him and I to actually get used to each other again...

I know I have to let this go- they are only here until end of August but I needed to talk to someone- you know??

To quote Gregory House, "Everybody Lies" and teenagers are no exception to the rule. He seems to just be a more lenient in his parenting style. Now, this doesn't have to be a bad thing, but from what I have seen this tends to lead there being "the good parent" who believes everything and does spoil, and the "bad parent" who knows when lies are being told, disciplines, etc, which can make things uncomfortable.

I think he just needs to make a compromise with you so that kind of thing doesn't happen.

Teenagers will lie to avoid trouble, out fear, any reason really. Any person who says they never lie, that they're always honest, lie about exactly that.

Perhaps your husband thinks of his children as 'golden', perhaps he's afraid of confronting them, of being too harsh, too strict, there could be multiple of reasons.

However, he should believe you when you come to him with something. You need to sit down with him and explain to him how it makes you feel and that it's not OK for him to dismiss what you have to say.

Sounds like dad lives the motto "Ignorance is bliss".

I did not see any reason for them to lie in the stories you told or to be concerned about it if they did? It's your husband's sons and they are almost grown (I have 3 stepsons), I'd shrug. I would just let them know they are not to lie to you, you are not as accepting. One of my stepson's treated me a bit roughly as we were playing a physical game many years ago and I gave it to him right back, telling him, "You may be younger and taller than I am but I outweigh you by 100 pounds" :-) Sounds like your husband just does not like conflict so takes things at face value and hopes they fall the right way.

Everybody lies. Yes, EVERYBODY!

I understand your concern. I don't agree with the "just shrug it off" attitude. Why? When these boys hit age 18, where are they going to be in life? They won't be able to do ANYTHING for themselves. It is a job as a parent to help prepare them for the real world, and this means doing things like enforcing chores and not waiting on them hand and foot. And, this is likely going to set them up for relationship issues in the future. I mean they will have to find women who are OK with doing all the cooking, cleaning, and waiting on them hand and foot. Uhm, stop me if I'm wrong, but there aren't a lot of women who truly enjoy doing that for a man. The chances of them suddenly switching from being having everything handed to them to doing things for themselves when they turn 18 is pretty darn slim. So yes, your husband is doing his children a huge disservice.

But, as a step-mother, what can you do? Probably not a whole lot. Its sad, but for the most part, you may just have to watch this train wreck happen. Well, hope it won't be a train wreck, but know that these kids will have a rocky transition to adulthood----that is, if your husband actually decides to cut the proverbial apron strings at age 18, which I am doubtful of as well. (He'll probably continue to do much of the things they should be doing for themselves.)

Yes, he is in la-la land about the lying issue. I was a great kid, but I had a lot of secrets from my parents and yeah, I did lie to them. What kid doesn't!?!? Its all a part of growing up. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.....

(sorry for the length! I could write chapters about things happening here)
Everyone has hit upon so many correct issues happening here! Nat92- you are right- he does not like confrontation- and I have known that from day one- but I never realized how much he is like this with the boys (going to be 16 years old soon!) too. They are not bad boys at all- in fact- they seem very quiet a lot of the time, but I do see where they like to spend a lot of their time bantering back and forth with my husband and are not respectful in certain ways. I have told them to stop arguing with him, and I have also heard them be disrespectful to their mother on the phone. They are good with me- but who knows what they are thinking.

It was impossible at first to "shrug it off". One of the twins has eating issues and only eats foods that are bread, potato based (french fries, tater tots mashed potatoes), garlic bread, processed chicken foods (chicken patties and nuggets etc) no milk- except for cheese in a grilled cheese, no fruits except an occaisional apple and a few other foods like chocolate. (no pasta, pizza, hamburgers) He has seen a psychologist to deal with the eating problems- I guess he is afraid of throwing up and won't try new foods- and my husband who is concerned takes the path of least resistance and asks the boys what they want- they give him their orders, and he makes it for them. I have been concerned from day 1 about them, and I know they can't be getting all their vitamins- but their Dr says the blood work is fine (thats what my husband told me), and they are growing well so its not a problem. They don't take vitamins either. The other step-son will eat many different foods- cherries, grapes, steak, porkchops, chicken, no pasta or rice, pizza and others- but he eats the same things all the time and my husband does not ever put a different food on the table for them to be exposed to, or tries giving them a new food. I have gone through all of the same things other people say about it "make them take 1 bite" "give them better food on their plates- they will eat when they are hungry", but my husband doesn't do it. A psychologist had once told him to put a new food on the table and if they don't eat it or want it- remove it in 5 minutes- so I think he kind of choses what rules he would follow and ones to ignore. Apparently the last Dr said that someday they will just decide to eat different foods - so not to push them. And that is where he is at...

They will not be prepared for the "real world" at all- they are helpless at times, and I can't figure out if it is an act or for real. If I hear them shout out "Dad!?" one more time I could scream! "can you open my bottle of juice?" (the bottle had been prevously opened and I guess my husband had put the cap on too tight- their fine motor skills appear delayed in some ways- 2 years ago they couldn't open cans and one of them had trouble tying a certain pair of shoes so my husband would) "how do I turn off the light?" (I tried telling him to keep clicking it until it turns off- but my husband runs in to show him) "something is wrong with the bin bag" (it was full and he couldn't figure out how to close it up) They do not have ANY chores or have to be responsible for much of their items. My husband is very neat and enjoys cleaning (this balances out the not so good qualities lol) so at night he is putting their fitted sheet on their mattress better, matching up socks- now you may think that maybe he does everything for them because he is so neat. I thought so at one time- but I am the opposite of neat- and I stuggle to keep things in the house going- and he will help 100% if I ask, and he does other house things that are needed, but he has never been mean or put me down for this huge fault of mine or thrown something away of mine while cleaning without asking if I need it (receipts and paper stuff mostly or a magazine). I can be laying in bed, watching TV with him, and I can lose the TV control 6 times in a night, and misplace my phone several times- and he helps me find them and laughs- all the while he knows how many socks he packed- if a shirt is missing (I put it somewhere in the living room when I was walking by) and when I wake up in the morning- I can go to the bathroom and walk into the bedroom and the bed is made, and he is dressed! The man is magical at times!

They have no clue about laundry, cooking, cleaning- nothing- and they are smart boys. The real world will be harsh- but when they are done the last 2 years of high school- its called something different in England- One step-son is somewhat college bound and the other is learning a trade, my husband will be moving here to the US permanently. So the handholding, will be done since they have chosen not to live here.

I have gone through many stages watching things unfold, but now I have to be at the point where I see things as almost funny, and wonder when my husband will realize he needs to stop doing this. I just sit back- let them yell to my husband- he gets up to see what they want, and I almost smile happy its not me being beckoned all the time. ChipperMonkey- it is totally like watching a train wreck happen!! I tried 2 years ago to have them try foods, be independant, stop bothering their father for everything- but as soon as they feet hit the airport- I know they go back to the usual ways.

I have realized that if they had stayed with us for the next 2 years in the US, we would have had to have family counseling, and I don't think my husband and I would have made it through our marriage unless things changed. Isn't that horrible to say? But it over shadows all that is good, and every time he runs into their room to see if they need more juice, soda, crackers, chips, I do lose a little something for him for a while. But 2 months will be a snap- I can ignore it- and they boys are going to start doing more things like taking garbage out, feeding cats, and I will show them how to do laundry, and cook grilled cheese sandwiches.

I actually think the boys like to have some structure and expectations for them- I got them to read for pleasure 2 summers ago by taking them to Barnes and Noble (they each had a $50 gift card) and I had "reading time" and they actually asked when was reading time when I forgot.

And games! The boys love to play family games- we have played Trivial Pursuit JR, Hedbanz, Kerplunk, and Doodle Dice and they ask for more! I know my son at 16 would play family games when we had a holiday- but I don't think he wold have wanted to play games every night, so there is hope in some ways! At work I have other games- some that will get the boys talking and sharing more- I don't know if it is somewhat a British thing lol - but definitely sort of a man thing when it comes to my husband getting close and talking with the boys. My husband is constantly learning how to open up with me. I am the total opposite, and I ask questions, talk a little too much sometimes, and give him chances to say what is on his mind. I guess as I think about it- when he is here for good, maybe counseling would be a good thing for us.

I think my son is going to eventually be a psychologist and wants to do counseling, and it pleases me so much to see a young man who is able to talk about things openly, is independant (but still does things that make me roll my eyes lol), can open his own bottles of soda, and when he does his own laundry at home- he will put some of mine in as well!