I don't know what to think... need advices..

I have a question, and a reason to why I have joined this site. I'm really not a blogger, but I can't find the time to reach out to a professional about the problems I've been having. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend, or ex boyfriend- I don't even know at this point for over a year. In the beginning he was perfect, sounds cliche but I got out of a relationship where my boyfriend was so insecure with himself it really affected our relationship but I managed to finally get out. I was alone for a year, collecting my thoughts, building myself up again. Then I met my most recent boyfriend, and he came off as a very quiet, funny, reserved, secure and confident man. Then as time went on, I soon realized and began to notice how every thing little bothered him, even events before me and him had met. He would turn the littlest matters into the biggest, and a fight was never a fight. He always fought with me bringing me down, discouraging me, using my past against me, the way I grew up, the location I grew up in, my attitude, my family, my childhood, and everything else. I can't deny, I do have a temper, I do have an attitude, but I truly believe I'm very reasonable. Of course being human I will act out of character but I am never in denial with myself and if I'm proven wrong, I have no problem fixing my mistakes. I recently found out my boyfriend and a girl who I thought was my bestfriend, they had sex before me and my boyfriend got serious, and throughout our relationship I had always questioned that factor and they both denied it. Until about 3 weeks ago when once again my boyfriend was breaking up with me and he spilled the beans. I was so hurt, I felt so foolish and so betrayed, but I felt more betrayed by my girlfriend considering I trusted her with my life and I always thought it was likewise. So I forgave him of course, with him promising me he would help me heal and give it time.. but any little minor event after that he used everything against me. He calls me names, he brings me down to the point I feel worthless. I wanted to just end my life because he made me feel as if I wasn't good enough. I know it sounds cliche once again, but in my defense, I feel like I try so hard to make it work, I accommodate it all to him, and still we fail. Though he's the one that makes me feel worthless, everytime I try to express myself he takes it the wrong way and ends up breaking up with me saying I'm the reason to the closure, and I ruined his life. I'm not loyal, I'm a liar, I'm this I'm that. I know I'm not perfect and I have told white lies because he had threatened me numerous times if this and that happened, then he'd end it with me so the fear of losing him I had told white lies. But those white lies were never ones to hurt him if or when he found out. I'm struggling because at this point we are over again. Whenever he comes back into my life he's always so genuinely sorry and he knows exactly what to say to make me feel like I want it again, and after all I do love him. Here and there slightly he's mentioned him having OCD and his behaviours with certain things definitely does make sense, but I am not an expert to put that label on him. I don't know what to think I don't know what to do. I just need to know if I really am the problem... I don't know why no matter how hard genuinely I try it's not working. Countless times he'll mention the same thing over and over as if we never talked about it, or fought about it, and his excuse is he wants me to be sorry, but how many times do I need to be sorry in 1 day over the same thing? How many times do I need to be sorry for what happened 1 year ago? What about his sorrys that he caused me lying to me for a year and me finding out he had sex with my bestfriend. Please help me find a comfort in not being in this relationship anymore because as much as I am miserable I do love him, but I need to know this is not a normal relationship. Its hard to tell myself that over and over. the message doesn't get through to me. Please respond, please help me. He'll go from I'm sorry I love you so much, you're the best thing in the world for me I can't live without you, to a couple hours later, after no incident happening "you don't deserve me, I can do better, your so bold, I had so many red flags with you, I should've never been with you, you make me miss my ex, you're the biggest regret, you ruined my life" then couple hours later he'll contact me crying saying all he needed was me to show him I care, and that I'm sorry for my past mistakes, and he goes through so much to explain to me what he needs for this to work, so I do so, and when I'm showing him my love and care, he turns the table saying "stop being so hopeful, it makes me feel bad you still want this when I'm hopeless. I feel like I can do better than you, I don't want to see you so hopeful" more than us not working out, or me blaming anyone, I'm beginning to believe he may have a personality disorder. or OCD, or anything. Then of course being around that 365 days out the year, I DO feel guilt with everything he's been so angry with me about. Our last conversation which was a week ago ended with "I can do better than you and when I do, ur going to wish u tried harder to keep me." then he ignored me. Mind you not, 1 day prior to that he had told me he cannot live without me, and he sees the good in me and he believes im good and doesn't wana let his insecurities or assumptions break us, and that he feels he's not good enough for me. Then 2 hours later he went on a rant of how much of a liar I am and started bringing up all the old arguments again... I just feel like I really was the problem, I really did bring the bad out of him... why did he leave me when I was the one to be strong enough to stick by his side.. was he just repulsed by me? was I really in this all alone this whole time..

Hi, fourleaf, and welcome to Psych Central! I know what I think. This guy is an abuser, and you need to get as far away from him as you can. He brings you down, verbally and emotionally abuses you, and lies to you. And then criticizes you for everything and can't forgive. I don't care what possible diagnosis he has. You can't fix him and shouldn't stay with him because of some misplaced sense of guilt and/or feeling sorry for him. Okay?

There are things worse than being lonely and without a boyfriend. And this relationship is one of them. Please, please move on and never have any contact with him again.

Aww, thank you so much. That means so much to me. Im just the type where I like to satisfy people especially if that person is someone that I love. Im just such an emotional wreck because realistically, I did everything to accommodate to him, and yet hes the one who broke up with me leaving me with all that guilt and a broken heart. And he's so angry with me, I just cant understand it…

This guy does not sound like a person that is good for you to be with. I have dated a guy like this before and it was nothing but heartbreak. Finally he left me and it hurt but now that it is over I am glad. Some people are just angry.. they get andy over nothing. This guy i dated got mad at me if he forgot his soda or something stupid. Always my fault. Anyway.. Its not you its him. He seems like the type to take out his own issues on you. Not your fault. Hope things get better for you soon.

Is it really him? Is he really angry or am I just the one that brings the worst out of him.. How can he be the one to be angry and hate me? Shouldnt I be angry at him?

Healthy people don't say things like "you don't deserve me, I can do better, your so bold, I had so many red flags with you, I should've never been with you, you make me miss my ex, you're the biggest regret, you ruined my life" Like I said some people are just angry.. Maybe he has a mood disorder? My ex would get mad at me and not talk to me for days over the stupidest ****. Like the soda.. We went to get gas and he left the soda he paid for behind. He was so mad he didn't talk to me the whole way home and for three days after. If he is to have an issue with your relationship the healthy thing to do would be to sit you down and talk about it not yell and verbally abuse you. Is the only reason you think its your fault because he is telling you it is? or did you do something specific that you truly believe was wrong?

Hes convinced me.. He would create these ideas and turn the littlest things into the biggest deal. Stupid **** like when instagram, pictures ive liked of guys before we met. He calls me desperate for guys when they don't want me.. He really made me out to be a hoe, he convinced himself im a liar because everytime we broke up I always kept to myself until it became a vicious cycle ive spoken to my close friend about it so he's threatened me that if I told anyone we broke up that hed never get back with me.. So I've lied that I didn't tell them because I was scared hed leave me over something I thought wasnt worth it so he uses that lie against me no matter how much I explain the situation as to why I did.. He just really taints my love for him then he tells me things like he knows how much I love him and he feels he doesn't deserve me and that he's so insecure because im so pretty, then another second is like the complete opposite like we don't belong together.. Im just so hurt idk how to feel. Idk why its so easy for him to let it go and im still holding on..

It takes time but I think it might be better if you do move on. Sound like a toxic relationship and its not right for him to hurt you like that. You deserve better than someone who will put you down. You deserve someone who will build you up and make you feel like you are amazing. It hard when you love someone because we tend to make excuses for them, we want love, we want it to work because we do see good things about them but don't let the few good things blind you to his emotionally abusive ways. There are ups and downs in relationships but the downs should not include the abuse. For him to say not to tell anyone you broke up is really weird.. He cares more about how he will look and not about your feelings? I hope you are feeling better about this soon.

You are absolutely correct. I know it takes time. . thank you so much for being so kind and replying back each time. I definitely needed to hear everything you have to say even if it is something I may already know, hearing it from someone else always confirms my own knowledge. I truly genuinely thank you, I hope I can do the same for you.

Its my pleasure to help. Relationships can be so hard and I agree sometimes you just need someone to tell you the things you already know just to confirm your feelings. I have always had a hard time in relationships with feeling insecure, i think it drives my friends crazy to hear about it so coming here or to other forums can help quite a bit. Just remember that everything will be ok.. Time heals.