[Rose101]

Hi,
I'm perplexed about my relationship potential. I was single for almost all my adult life, the last decade of which was by choice. I recently (about 6 months ago) decided that I wanted to find a partner and didn't want to remain single.

I met someone a few months ago. On the first date, she made observations about my behavior and commented about the fact that I am self-conscious, afraid of judgment, etc. Despite this, she wanted to go out again and she was the one who contacted me again. However, after a few months of dating, she started criticizing me more and more. Some of the criticism is about facts that are correct (e.g. the fact that I'm not assertive and can't say what I want). Now she wants out--she proposed to either stay friends or continue with an open dating relationship in which we each can see other people.

I'm a little puzzled by the fact that she wanted to go out again with me after the first date even though she had already observed many things about me at that time. Maybe she wanted to give it a try?

The second thing I'm puzzled about is how to continue with her. She acknowledged that there are things that are working between us, for example, we get along when we're together and we like to go out to the same places. The open dating arrangement is tricky because one person can get hurt when the other finds someone else. I just lost my pet and the pain of losing both her and my pet is very high. I'm not sure I can even manage both losses at once on my own.

I have a feeling that the open dating arrangement is for people who are comfortable with parallel dating and are more experienced in relationships than me. At the same time, if we become just friends, how is it better for her? Wouldn't my behavior continue to trigger her criticism?

I told her that I am grateful for her direct communication with me. Other people I met in the past (whether for friendship or on dates) didn't give me this feedback and just didn't want to see me or socialize with me again. For me, I think it is good to hang out with her because I get to improve my behavior and social relationships. However, I can't force her to stay with me, and she's not responsible to help me improve.

Rose

[hvert]

It sounds like you would prefer to be friends rather than pursue the open dating option, so that is what I would go for. It's up to her to sort out what is best for her - you have to protect your own interests. It will be much easier for you to accomplish your goal of finding a partner if you are not involved in some sort of quasi romantic relationship with this person.

If you both know that you are not interested in a long term romance with each other (but want a long term romance), then continuing to date doesn't really make sense. It may be a pleasant way to pass the time, but it isn't going to lead to anything -and, like you said, it just postpones the inevitable break up when one of you does find someone.

The criticism sounds a little disturbing. Just because she has a certain opinion about you doesn't mean that everyone does. It can be refreshing to meet someone who is upfront, but also a bit tiresome if it never ends

[Rose101]

Thanks for your advice. It has been annoying to listen to her criticism every single time. At the beginning she said it's not criticism but feedback and observation, but lately she has been delivering in an angry tone and it has become overbearing. The thing is if she continues with this criticism, even as a friend I don't think I can hang out with her until she changes her behavior a little.

You're right that open dating won't benefit us if the ultimate result is that we will meet other people and will break up. I think it helps only if we're trying to prolong the dating period to work on some issues, or to become ready for a relationship. If that's the case, we have to mutually agree that we both need to adjust. It seems to me that she doesn't think we need to work on the relationship.

I have more material now to talk about next time I meet with her. Thanks for your reply and providing your input!