[Little Jay]

Last night, my partner had gone out (he told me that he was going to his mates house). His iPad was left on the bedside table, and kept making noises so I opened it up to see what it was, not to snoop around or anything - I've never been suspicious or not trusted him.

But I saw he had been messaging another girl. I wouldn't mind, but I know this is a girl that in the past before we were together that he was always flirting with, and I think he had actually slept with her. Now when I saw it was from her I was really shocked because as far as he would let me know he hasn't spoken to her since we've been together! So I opened up the whole conversation. He had been messaging her asking her to come out and see him, to which she had said she was busy, then he was asking her to come see him tomorrow (which will be today). It's really shocked me because he had told me he was at his mates house, then I see he's been trying to get her to come and see him? I don't want to seem like I'm being paranoid and reading too much into it, so I don't know if I should say anything to him. He might think I've been snooping around when that genuinely wasn't the case - if my phone went off he'd shout me and go "it's a text from your mum, she says blah blah blah", we just do that, I know he wasn't in when I looked, but if it's next to me going off i'm gong to look!

So now I'm sat here at work, wondering what he's going to do today. If he does go and see this girl. I've just logged into his Facebook at work - which is something I never do! I feel awful, as if i'm sneaking around behind his back but I just have to know. He's asked her again this morning if he wants to go shopping with him! I've just seen her ask "what about your girlfriend" and his reply was "she is in work, and we're just two friends hanging out together there's nothing wrong with that is there?"

I just want to cry because I always thought I could trust him and now I'm having doubts.
I know he said about them being friends, but I just don't know. If he wanted someone to go to the shops with he has loads of mates but he's not asked one of them. I don't understand why he'd start messaging her out of the blue.

Am I over reacting and being paranoid?

[Djinn8]

I wouldn't mention that you saw the text. When he gets home just ask him how his day was/what he's been up to. If he lies then it doesn't necessarily mean he's been up to anything, but it does suggest that he feels guilty.

I feel for you. I've been in this situation and I know it's a horrible feeling. In my case it was my ex going out with her "estranged brother". I ended up asking to come along with her one night and she started to panic, that was when I knew. I hope that's not the case for you though. For the time being, try not to let it consume your thoughts too much. It might be innocent enough.

[Little Jay]

He's now said that he's going out tonight. I am now sat at home on my own, just wondering what he is going to be doing. I asked him where he was going and his reply was "I don't know yet" which makes me sooo suspicious. Even though I can see from his Facebook he hasn't met her yet because she's still at work. What's more, she's only 17!!!! She looks like such a mess by her profile too. I really don't know. I feel so stupid and paranoid to be constantly checking his Facebook messages every 5 minutes to see if he's going to see her

[Confusedinomicon]

If he says he's going out with friends he should be willing to tell you who he is hanging out with. I think djinn message is good, too.

[waiting4]

agreed...something stinks....not telling you where he's going? and you can't just decide to come along?? At this point, I would be less than agreeable to NOT snooping.

Sit him down tonight before he goes out and tell him about the iPad. In the way of full discloser, but don't mention the facebook thing. Ask about the girl. Then watch his reactions.

The fact is, if you're AFRAID to talk to him about something which should be natural curiosity because there is rock solid mutual trust..then there is something wrong and there is a break in that trust. If you talk to him as if you have no worries and he blows up at you, then you definately know you have something to be concerned about......

I feel for you, as well, but by not addressing this NOW, you will only prolong the hurt, and confusion...and if he is innocent, by the time you DO confront him, he will be angry you waited so long to ask.

Try not to be confrontational, but make it clear that his being vague in his answers is not acceptable....anymore than it would be for him, if the tables were turned. And I'd suggest bringing that 'other shoe' up.....STRONGLY.

Good luck *hugs*

Originally Posted by Little Jay

and we're just two friends hanging out together there's nothing wrong with that is there?"

Well , Yes , Because there is no such thing as a "Guy friend " unless he is Gay, because sex will always get in the way.

So shopping , getting a coffee , back to your place when your at work, and sex.
Then they do it again and again etc

So the answer to your question is "Should be Worried ".

[kaliope]

you are not being paranoid. you definitely have something to be worried about. is he living with you that his ipad is at your house? why would he be telling her that you guys are just pals hanging out when you are his girlfriend? she is questioning his commitment to you and he is responding that he is available. why would he say that if it wasn't something to worry about?

[waiting4]

Maybe I read it wrong, but I got the impression, he was telling the other girl that he and she were just pals and hanging out (so why should he be concerned about his gf finding out) but to me that's just him coming up with his defense.

She definately has something to worry about.

[Little Jay]

He made me feel stupid when I asked him about it. He got home, and I asked him again "who are you seeing tonight?" and he just listed a couple of his friends. I obviously pulled a face because he then was then asking why. I just said doesn't matter, but i'm so rubbish at keeping myself together because I just ended up crying. I just thought he was lying to me. Then he was saying how he would never do anything like that because he loves me so much, and basically in the end I just said "okay, i'm sorry" even though now I think about it I shouldn't have anything to be sorry about. He then went out - and took his iPad with him to "listen to music" - he never ever takes his iPad out with him, so it was obviously so I couldn't look any more. (He must not realise I've worked out he uses the same password for everything) I've checked since and the thread of messages between them has now been deleted. I really want to believe him, but it all just seems so unlike him.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Little Jay

He made me feel stupid when I asked him about it. He got home, and I asked him again "who are you seeing tonight?" and he just listed a couple of his friends. I obviously pulled a face because he then was then asking why. I just said doesn't matter, but i'm so rubbish at keeping myself together because I just ended up crying. I just thought he was lying to me. Then he was saying how he would never do anything like that because he loves me so much, and basically in the end I just said "okay, i'm sorry" even though now I think about it I shouldn't have anything to be sorry about. He then went out - and took his iPad with him to "listen to music" - he never ever takes his iPad out with him, so it was obviously so I couldn't look any more. (He must not realise I've worked out he uses the same password for everything) I've checked since and the thread of messages between them has now been deleted. I really want to believe him, but it all just seems so unlike him.

I'm so sorry, and yes, I do understand why you'd be angry with yourself for apologizing when you really had no reason to. And it is concerning that he deleted a thread if he really felt he had nothing to hide.

I wish I had an easy answer, but I'm not sure you came across to him the way you wanted to. The fact is, if he really wanted to reasure you, he would have stayed with you rather than go out anyway, as if nothing was wrong. Obviously, even he knew, something was wrong. Taking his iPad, only confirmed it.

More questions need to be asked or this is just going to fester until you are totally resentful and the relationship hits the skids...over possibly nothing. But if he can't or won't tell you who he's seeing, or take you with him in the interest of full disclosure; if he refuses to stay with you when you are obviously concerned by what you read on the ipad (not sure how much you told him???) you may want to rethink the relationship in it's entirety. Saying 'I would never do anything like that' are cheap words. Actions speak everything. And by his ACTIONS he's shown he would certainly HIDE something from you.....so what else would he do???

Take care

[Alone & confused]

Let me just start by saying that I am a Highly jealous, possessive type, and my moral compass doesn't always point "true north ", but in my opinion, if it's all so innocent, and they're "just friends, no harm in that" WHY wouldn't he tell you about it? Why not instead, introduce you to his "friend"? If there's nothing to hide then why is he hiding all of this? And me, being the outspoken person I am, would most assuredly confront him about it! But that's just me. I may not approach things the right way, but that just doesn't sound right to me. I tell my boyfriend about my guy friends, and when & where I see them and even hang out with them WITH him. I do this BECAUSE I have nothing to hide from him! And I know who his female friends are. (don't particularly care for some of them, but I know about them.) When I'm in doubt, I check it out. And then, I come clean with him, tell him "I felt insecure about.......so I broke down and looked at.......and then I found....... Do you care to explain this to me? When I asked you about.....and gave you a chance to tell me the truth, why didn't you? I had a feeling something wasn't right, and now I see This!" And then we talk about it. I always tell him that I WANT to trust him, but that I do need an explanation for this suspicious situation to put my mind at ease. Good luck! I hope that it truly is innocent.

[blur]

i think it would be good to come clean about what you saw on his computer. as others have said if things are on the up and up with his female friend then there is no reason to hide it at all. the considerate thing to do would be to tell you if he is getting together with a female friend, especially if you live together. he knows something is up because he is now erasing communication with her. i would not sweep this under the rug but address it now. it isn't going to go away in your mind but more likely fester.

[byrdonawyre]

Warning, Warning! He is flat out lying to you. I'm not sure if you mention how long you two have been together but maybe you should cut your losses and get out or give him an ultimatum. Confront him now. It sounds like he goes out with out you frequently too, bad news.