[flours]

hi!

I already posted something similar elsewhere but wasn't so sure where it belongs:

I'm having a hard time making and keeping friends or any kind of people around.

other people don't like me. they think I'm boring no matter what I do. I'm sort of introvert and sensitive. I avoid situations that are overwhelming to me which is basically all that seems to be fun for other people. or I do things so slowly it is too boring for others. for example I like to just hang out in cafes and bars and talk. but I don't like to go dancing. (sometimes people think I'm using a lot of drugs but I don't.) I don't like it to be physically too close to complete strangers either. but I like being with people. they just don't want that.

sometimes also they won't notice I'm there or don't listen when I talk. people just start talking over me. It's like there is nothing in the world I could say to be more interesting. I don't know a lot of books or movies or music I could talk about because I cannot process so much information. rather enjoy one at a time. sometimes I read something or watch something because I heard someone talk about it but of course it's too late then. so yeah, sometimes I don't know what to talk about.

feel quite stupid then because I don't know so many things. (I guess I also look bit stupid but there is nothing I can do about that.) but I am not stupid. I can think and reason very well. just nobody will ever find out because there is no chance.

if I want to make a list I guess I will find some interesting things about myself but nobody cares and wants to know about. (okay I am also a little strange and some of that list I should/ will not tell. but people who ignore me cannot already know these things.)

I feel like other people will never really know me. they always have completely wrong ideas about me and there is nothing I can do about that. I can tell them that it's not true but these are only words they won't listen to anyway and I don't think anybody cares.
If I say hello they don't and look away very often. If I want to invite them they find an excuse. Don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I try to be friendly and smile (but not all the time to not appear I just want to please everyone.) and be always polite and not say anything that might be insulting to anyone but still express my opinion.
I listen to what others are telling me because I think they may like that but they just don't notice I'm even there. that's really boring for me sometimes!!
I offer my help to others but they'd rather not get any help than seeing me.

if I say something at a conversation in a group everybody leaves. although I don't say anything inappropriate.

if it was just about finding a boyfriend I could accept that men are just not interested in me. but this is true for all kind of people. that's really hard. I'm alone most of the time.

what can I do to change that?

(-yes, I do shower regularly…)

[glok]

Hello, flours. Maybe you can get some advice here:

Ask the Therapist

I wish you well.

[kala83]

I have a lot of the same issues you in making friends. I have friends but they are not really people I am horribly close to...and ...I have really bad trust issues.

I had two best friends that I was really close to that I had to cut out of my life because I was being used by them.

sexually and finacially

[byrdonawyre]

Hi flours, I have experienced the same thing as you with people talking right over me, I know that can be hurtful. It makes you feel like no one cares what you have to say. For me, I tend to be soft spoken and sometimes people actually don't hear me right. I had to make an effort to speak louder and clearer. I had to force myself to practice having conversation with people because I was painfully quiet when I was young, afraid to say anything.

[RobG]

I can relate somewhat although some of the examples seem a little extreme.
Is it better when youre drinking, do you seem to have freinds then? (just a question..)

[Bumblebuzz12]

I'm sure you realize that there are many different people out there. Maybe you are looking in the wrong places. If you like to hand gout in cafés and bars find people who like to hang out there too. There are different types of people find someone who's more like you.

[flours]

Hi,
thanks for all of your answers!

Originally Posted by RobG

I can relate somewhat although some of the examples seem a little extreme.
Is it better when youre drinking, do you seem to have freinds then? (just a question..)

Of course these are the bad days. but which one sounded extreme? all these incidents happened to me repeatedly/ regularly.
Yeah, it's a lot better when I'm drunk! that's how I talk to people at all. but I kind of stopped that because it might not be that helpful in the long run.

Originally Posted by Bumblebuzz12

If you like to hand gout in cafés and bars find people who like to hang out there too. There are different types of people find someone who's more like you.

Yeah, the people I mean actually do that a lot. Just they prefer to do that with other persons than me. At least it looks like that to me. maybe I am a bit too touchy and that's just how they are.

Originally Posted by byrdonawyre

For me, I tend to be soft spoken and sometimes people actually don't hear me right. I had to make an effort to speak louder and clearer. I had to force myself to practice having conversation with people because I was painfully quiet when I was young, afraid to say anything.

when I told my therapist about these problems she asked me if I spoke quietly when this happened. -I don't really think so. I don't listen my own voice all the time that closely but I heard many times in my life that I shouldn't talk so loudly. but I also don't think I am yelling at people all the time. so I don't know...

[winter4me]

Have you considered getting involved in something with people doing something together? (an arts/crafts class, book group, hiking/biking club (non-competitive), volunteering in the community? ....can be good ways to socialize with a common topic to talk about without being crushed in a crowd.

[flours]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Have you considered getting involved in something with people doing something together? (an arts/crafts class, book group, hiking/biking club (non-competitive), volunteering in the community? ....can be good ways to socialize with a common topic to talk about without being crushed in a crowd.

that's sure good advice but I guess I'm having a special situation…
this is already the only way I'm meeting people. there is one common interest we share and I will not give it up but rarely have time/energy for more than that. those are the people I'm talking about. and I would like to be a part of that group. there are a few nice ones who unfortunately never have time. I wonder if they just are the only ones to get rid of me in a polite way…(?)
I don't think they are all ignorant and unfriendly. rather think I am doing something wrong because I've experienced that in other situations as well. just cannot identify what I'm doing wrong.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, personally. I get overwhelmed very easily too and I guess am a bit "boring". Even a cafe is a bit too much for me, I'd rather just stay home. I think it's important to remember that we just can't be compatible with everyone. There are going to be hits and misses and there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. But there are definitely similarly sensitive introverts out there who would rather just relax and speak slowly and quietly with one another. It just takes time (and luck!) to find them.

[winter4me]

do you have a T?

[flours]

Originally Posted by kit_kit

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, personally. I get overwhelmed very easily too and I guess am a bit "boring". Even a cafe is a bit too much for me, I'd rather just stay home. I think it's important to remember that we just can't be compatible with everyone.

thanks!
I know that there are introvert persons who are comfortable being on their own.
unfortunately I am not one of them. I miss being around other people. being alone 24/7 is killing me. I guess it will be very difficult for me to find other people with exactly the same needs. I also don't mind people around being different from me. I can usually manage if I need some quiet.

Originally Posted by winter4me

do you have a T?

yes, I do. not long yet though. but I think she wants to focus on other issues.

Originally Posted by flours

hi!

I already posted something similar elsewhere but wasn't so sure where it belongs:

I'm having a hard time making and keeping friends or any kind of people around.

other people don't like me. they think I'm boring no matter what I do. I'm sort of introvert and sensitive. I avoid situations that are overwhelming to me which is basically all that seems to be fun for other people. or I do things so slowly it is too boring for others. for example I like to just hang out in cafes and bars and talk. but I don't like to go dancing. (sometimes people think I'm using a lot of drugs but I don't.) I don't like it to be physically too close to complete strangers either. but I like being with people. they just don't want that.

sometimes also they won't notice I'm there or don't listen when I talk. people just start talking over me. It's like there is nothing in the world I could say to be more interesting. I don't know a lot of books or movies or music I could talk about because I cannot process so much information. rather enjoy one at a time. sometimes I read something or watch something because I heard someone talk about it but of course it's too late then. so yeah, sometimes I don't know what to talk about.

feel quite stupid then because I don't know so many things. (I guess I also look bit stupid but there is nothing I can do about that.) but I am not stupid. I can think and reason very well. just nobody will ever find out because there is no chance.

if I want to make a list I guess I will find some interesting things about myself but nobody cares and wants to know about. (okay I am also a little strange and some of that list I should/ will not tell. but people who ignore me cannot already know these things.)

I feel like other people will never really know me. they always have completely wrong ideas about me and there is nothing I can do about that. I can tell them that it's not true but these are only words they won't listen to anyway and I don't think anybody cares.
If I say hello they don't and look away very often. If I want to invite them they find an excuse. Don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I try to be friendly and smile (but not all the time to not appear I just want to please everyone.) and be always polite and not say anything that might be insulting to anyone but still express my opinion.
I listen to what others are telling me because I think they may like that but they just don't notice I'm even there. that's really boring for me sometimes!!
I offer my help to others but they'd rather not get any help than seeing me.

if I say something at a conversation in a group everybody leaves. although I don't say anything inappropriate.

if it was just about finding a boyfriend I could accept that men are just not interested in me. but this is true for all kind of people. that's really hard. I'm alone most of the time.

what can I do to change that?

(-yes, I do shower regularly…)

Awe I am sorry to hear that. I am going through the exact same thing. I am lonely and unwanted even when I am around others and completely ignored in group gatherings.

[flours]

… sort of think I'm just too much a combination of being boring and weird.

for example I don't feel like I look the least bit representative of my personality. that's why people may be irritated. guess I look like a boring and dumb girl. and superficial. but I am more interested in sort of abstract discussions than girls' stuff. but some things I can't change and I don't want to change my style because I like it and I don't want to make myself look worse. don't want to wear a costume to please everybody. that would be really awkward.
okay it is superficial to talk about that. but it seems more important to other people than to myself in the way they interpret what I say or do.

when I get to talk I don't seem introvert. rather annoying and superficial i guess because I enjoy conversations.

sometimes I get the feeling that people who are a bit like me or like the same things despise me and I can only talk to those with whom I have absolutely nothing in common. because they think from the first impression that I'm completely different. whatever… dunno….