[lovesdogs99]

I over-think all of the time.

This might sound weird, but I've been friends with this guy on the internet for about a year now. We talk every single day, mostly all day. We are so close, I'm closer to him more than I am to anybody else. And he's just as close back. He's in his 20s, I'm 15, by the way. But despite our age difference and the fact we haven't met yet, we have a beautiful bond. I love him. And when I'm older, he'd love to see if we could have a relationship. He sees qualities in me that he sees in no one he's met. And he's definitely different from everybody I've met in my life so far.

I've kept in the back of my mind that when I'm 18, I want to go see him or date him. Now I feel like I'm relying on that. I'm terrified that I won't ever fall in love with anyone. That's my biggest fear, and it's the result of a traumatic event I went through with an older man.

Anyway, lately, I've been thinking about it a lot more. I feel like I'm relying on the fact that someday I might have him. I want him now, I'm falling for him. And I DON'T want to. I want to keep that idea at an arms length, to preserve our lovely friendship.

My mind is so terrified of love that this has thrown me into a depression.

I'm scared I'm going to start pushing him away. I'm scared that talking to him is going to start feeling weird. If he's the reason I'm feeling depressed, even though he has done nothing wrong. We talk on the phone or Skype everyday. Yesterday we talked on the phone for 3 hours and I was crying so hard and telling him I'm scared I'll start pushing him away. He cried a little too, I could hear it in his voice. He kept telling me that he would always be there for me and even if I pushed him away he'd be there for me when ever I wanted to let him back in.

All of that scares me so bad. I don't want to be feeling with way. He's so beautiful inside. He's gone through depression and anxiety his whole life. He's helped me through so much..

Now my depression and my worrying has dragged him in. I feel like my depression attacks the things that mean the most to me.

I DON'T want to push him a way. I DON'T want to let my depression win and take who I love away from me.

But I don't know what to do.

I have one of his shirts and I'd snuggle it and bury my face in his scent and feel safer. Now it's making me sad.

I know I can't have him now. I know we're at two very different places in life, but our souls connect in a beautiful way over time and space. But my heart isn't the kind that likes to wait. I was keeping my heart from falling for him. Now I'm worried I am, and it's going to ruin everything.

I'm listening to his (and my) favorite band right now. I need him so bad in my life. As my best friend. And I want my depression to SCREW OFF and not ruin my relationship!

PLEASE HELP.

[bluekoi]

Emma8432, I do not think this is your depression talking. I think you understand that you are 15 and he is 20. You are very smart to know that you should not act on this until you are 18. You have high school to finish and university or college to look forward to if that is your goal. It hard being a teenager, so much is changing in your body & your mind. It's very confusing - I wish it came with a guidebook.

[healingme4me]

I once read, that more than a five year age difference where teens are concerned, as far as, how much older is too much older, are symptomatic of the adults luggage.
To travel down the mental pathways of feeling, as a teenager, that there's not much harm to be done here, may lead to internal strife later. Trust issues, are for one.
As an adult friend, would be more proper, to stand back, not consume your youth. Three hours, skyping here and there, on the phone.
What do your parents say, about this 20something grown man, in their teenage daughters life?

[waiting4]

healingme4me...my guess is, they don't know. And as long as she has actually SEEN him on skype so knows he's not a 40something pedophile....my comment is thus:

Emma.....what you're experiencing right now is the rush of hormones as you're finally reaching maturity. That alone, makes life confusing, thoughts confusing, feelings absolutely warped and confusing....depression seemingly unrepentant....In short, you're in the throws of growing up.

The not simplistic answer is....just breathe, little sister. 5 years isn't much of an age difference when YOU'RE twenty and he's 25...but as you're 15, it can be daunting, for both of you. As long as he is not pressuring you to see him BEFORE you are an adult (which is 18 or 21 depending, but no less than 18) then I would say, try to relax; accept it is your body and your mind struggling to get a handle on all of the changes and challenges you are facing and will face as you approach adulthood.

If he is a friend to you..let him be. And you be his. Don't allow him to pressure you, and if he understands a sobbing 15 year old girl on the other end of a telephone line and is sympathetic enough to listen and offer succor...then take it. And try to breathe, lil sister. Life has much more in store for you..this is only the beginning of what I hope is a lovely path.

[Plain rain]

I was in your shoes and wish I would have waited. I was flattered to be wanted by someone with more experience in this life - older. I thought they could help me along my journey, but sadly learned they were just as damaged as I thought myself to be. I learned just because someone is older, more experience, didn't mean they had it all figured out or the "answers". If we would have remained "friends", then we would have been there for each other in a platonic way that consummating our feelings never lead to. I thought it was exciting being with him, but in the end looking back it wasn't and I look back on it with much regret. I passed on opportunities to be in social situations with kids my own age going through similar situations relative to our age for the secret relationship with this person. When it ended I was left alone with no friends and no one to talk to about it because I wanted to protect him even though he hurt me. The result of my actions lead to a very lonely place. Lonelier that how I felt when I first sought out his "friendship". Please know I am not telling you what to do, that isn't me...I am just sharing my pain and the experiences I had. Giving you something to think about. The thing that I walked away with was why was he unable to develop appropriate relationships with people in his own age group? Something to ponder. Not that we aren't all damaged in some way, but we are responsible with what we do with it and the people we leave in our wake - the older we are even more so. I wish it never happened to me.

I wish you the very best of luck and the hopeful ability to discern the truth.