[hvert]

I was out of town for four days. When I got back, I noticed that my boyfriend's back was slightly abraded in spots. I asked him what happened and he told me that the mesh in his raincoat must have imprinted.

The imprinting does look like mesh. I think he dumped his motorcycle and doesn't want to tell me. I asked him if he dumped the bike and he told me that I was crazy and he was sick of me accusing him of crazy things.

That just makes me even more aggravated. I guess we are going to have a talk when he comes home from work tonight. It would be one thing if he just said that he didn't want to talk about it. It is another for him to tell me that I am crazy to avoid discussing it.

[ChipperMonkey]

That's not gaslighting, that is flat out lying.

Gaslighting is when you are made to doubt actual things that you witnessed, heard, experienced. If he is just lying about something you suspect and calling you crazy, that's not gaslighting. Yeah, he's being a jerk if he is lying, but gaslighting is a bit different. (Have you seen the movie? That will give you a better idea as to what gaslighting actually is.)

[hvert]

Yes, I've seen the movie many times. I'm a huge Charles Boyer fan.

He and I have had several conversations about this and I conflated them so people could get a gist. You'll have to take my word for it that the conversation this morning was classic gaslighting. That's what's making me mad. Yesterday he was just lying/playing dumb. This morning he was gaslighting.

[transient]

Originally Posted by hvert

Yes, I've seen the movie many times. I'm a huge Charles Boyer fan.

He and I have had several conversations about this and I conflated them so people could get a gist. You'll have to take my word for it that the conversation this morning was classic gaslighting. That's what's making me mad. Yesterday he was just lying/playing dumb. This morning he was gaslighting.

Your first post did make me think it was gaslighting. Just because you didn't go in-depth into how he accused you of being crazy, doesn't mean it wasn't. I totally get that you wanted to be brief/ not go into details..

In this community, we should do our best to take the victim's word and not invalidate what they call their abuse. It's not anyone's place to invalidate victims and survivors. Since hvert didn't go into details, for all we know he could have been relentless and really gone into calling hvert crazy and making hvert doubt what happened. And it's fine that hvert didn't go into details, anyway, because no one is required to talk more about their abuse just to prove that it was abuse.

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals, to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

hvert, I have a few resources on gaslighting, I hope they help you somehow. I suspect that I've dealt with it before, but I'm not sure so I can't really give you advice, but I hope you know that I support you and hope that you are safe & sound. Please take care of yourself

• Labelling women as crazy is a way of controlling them
• Gaslighting
• What Is Gaslighting?
• Gaslighting: What to do and what NOT to do ** This is a really good one

[hvert]

Thank you, transient! I would like to have your resource on gaslighting.

There was a new development in this situation --- I confronted him again when he got home and he again insisted that I was just making stuff up... then we figured out that the friction burn on his back actually came from the mesh on his new office chair. He had been leaning back in it shirtless... so I really was accusing him of something that didn't happen!!

It was very embarrassing and a good reminder to me that I am not always right. I am just thankful that I did not ask the neighbors if they knew anything about it!

[transient]

Originally Posted by hvert

Thank you, transient! I would like to have your resource on gaslighting.

There was a new development in this situation --- I confronted him again when he got home and he again insisted that I was just making stuff up... then we figured out that the friction burn on his back actually came from the mesh on his new office chair. He had been leaning back in it shirtless... so I really was accusing him of something that didn't happen!!

It was very embarrassing and a good reminder to me that I am not always right. I am just thankful that I did not ask the neighbors if they knew anything about it!

I edited my first post to include them If you've experienced gaslighting by him before, then hopefully the resources I added will help.
I'm glad that it turned out to be alright, but him calling you crazy in the process of him trying to tell you that it wasn't what you think, is not right. Just because it wasn't what you think, that doesn't mean the way he went about telling you wasn't gaslighting. It might have been unintentional, but it was still messed up.

Be safe <3

[hvert]

Thanks for those resources! He does pull out the 'crazy' argument too often -- I will have to figure out how to properly respond to that one. It's an extremely effective way to shift the argument from whatever it is to whether or not I am crazy.

[nicoleflynn]

Also look up "Biderman's Chart of Coercion"
"Stockholm Syndrome"---all of these similar to Gaslighting.