[kila82]

[F]I'm 31 and met my 45 year old boyfriend through an online dating site. Some background: I had gotten out of a long term relationship and struggled for over a year afterward. Borderline depressed, got overweight. But I found myself, got back into a good healthy routine, spent more time with family and friends, and really connected with myself. I had found my happy place again, and I was completely content being single. Thus, I thought it was a right time to get my foot in the water of dating. He reached out to me; we emailed and texted for about a month. And we really clicked, as much as two strangers can click through the written word. That turned into a date, and more dates, and spending more time together. I felt no pressure to speed things up. Things were moving along nicely and slow and steady pace. Neither of us pressured the other for more, and we just enjoyed each other. We really connected. I've never felt this connection before. It was amazing. And then I found a receipt he'd left at my apartment. And the name on it wasn't the name I knew him as. So I probed, and questioned him about it. He admitted he used a fake name online, as he didn't want strangers to know who he really was in case it went bad. He'd had a stalker situation when he lived in another state, and he became extremely cautious. In addition, the first name he used was a nickname his friends had always called him. He didn't know how to bring it up as more and more time passed. And I let it go. Considering the things I'd been lied to about, this was nothing. It didn't bother me that much. So we moved on. Some short time later, I noticed a discrepancy in what he'd told me. He said he'd never been married, that he was the same age as me. I noticed a past email that he said he was a year older, and a photo he'd had up showed him wearing a wedding ring. I told him we needed to talk, and he came over. And boom, he admitted he had been married previously and had a kid. He also admitted he was actually 45, and had 3 other kids from when he lived in another state. Bombshell. I was so shocked I think I cried briefly in anger. He cried more than I did; he felt terrible. He said he didn't think I would have been interested if I knew how old he was, or knew about his kids. He left, and I needed to think on it. And think I did. I'm a forgiver, I believe in the best in people. And this time was no different. I forgave him. And again, we moved on. We had agreed at this point that we weren't looking for anyone else online, that we would focus on each other. We still hadn't talked about being exclusive, but we were ok with that. We took a mini trip that June, I was spending nights at his place, and vice versa. Finally in July I broached the subject and we both decided that was the next natural step, that we were happy together and should make it official. I don't know how it happened, I think we were sitting together looking online on his phone together. Regardless, I saw the emails. From all different kinds of women. Some just asking about each other, some dirty, some asking if they should meet up and hook up. Then I found out he was still online on the dating site we'd met. I'd cancelled mine, he said he had too. But then there were emails from other dating sites. I can't believe how many sites and emails he had. A huge fight ensued. He cried. Said he just felt such freedom after getting divorced and that it became a habit, that he wasn't actually meeting them. Needless to say, the trust was broken. After many sleepless nights and days, of numerous talks, I forgave him. I know, giant red flag right?? But again, I forgive often. But even though I forgave him, we had to repair that trust. HE had to work on repairing that trust. That's when we decided on the same lock code for our phones. He deleted that email account, cancelled all the accounts he had. There's been more lies since then. He lied about when he got divorced. He said they divorced sometime early 2012, after having been separated. Yet he couldn't produce the divorce paperwork, said he'd never received it. So I ordered a copy for him. I took a quick look through, it wasn't signed until May 2013. He read through it, acted completely shocked and disgusted (maybe he really was, I don't know). Said that she must not have filed until then, even though he had signed way earlier. I've asked to see it, but he keeps saying he wants to take out the pages that has his financial info first. He's had yet to show it to me. Then I found an email in a drawer I use, from his ex to his first ex. In it, the email is dated May 2013 and she states they had separated in November 2012 and had recently decided on an uncontested divorce. She accused him of talking to women behind her back, of sending and receiving dirty pictures while they were separated. Do I believe what she wrote? I don't know. I've seen that she can be quite manipulative and a liar. That's on top of what he's said about her. But what/who do I believe? He's lied about a 'friend' he's in contact with that he met online. She's younger than I, and he says they're just friends and he gives her advice. Yet I found some naked pictures of her that she'd sent him before he and I met. Why lie about it? He texted some woman during the superbowl, and I asked to see the messages. And he deleted them before letting me see them. His excuse, that she'd offered to bring him dinner when he was sick. He thought I'd get jealous and angry if I saw that. He's yet to tell his family about me. His older 2 sons know we're in a relationship, but he's afraid to tell them we live together, as it's not the 'christian' thing to do. I know he was extremely loving and vocal about his feelings during their 8 years together (well maybe more like 5 or 6), but he's not with me. He was sweet, thoughtful, romantic in the beginning. But not anymore. He only said I love you a few months ago, and for a while he only said it in response to me. He's never gotten me flowers, which I ask for. I finally got a card for our anniversary, but come to find out its a card he already had in his 'memory box' of all the cards with his ex. he has a handful of blank cards in there. should that bother me that he used a card that he had, that was probably for his ex? and inside all he wrote was, 'i'm glad i met you!' i haven't even said anything about that, it's not worth the fight. He had a problem with checking out other women when we were together, and so obvious about it. After he brushed off my complaints a few times, I finally got pissed when I saw him do a complete 180 to check out some young women. Listen, I get it. Everyone checks everyone else out. But my gosh, you can't not do that for the few times we're out together? Boy did I give him the cold shoulder and he finally got it. Why is that so hard? He says its in a man's DNA...blah blah blah. I'm so tired of that BS line. You're an adult, so exert some energy you know? I don't ogle men when we're out together. I've been there for him, through thick and thin. through his health scare, through when dshs wiped him clean of his money. i stood by him. I've forgiven him, and had faith in him. I believe with all my heart he's a good man inside. I don't know if he's just going through something? midlife crisis? I don't know. I know that his past relationships have had an effect on him. How could they have not? He accuses me of being insecure solely because of my ex (who was only with me until someone better came along and actively tried to cheat on me near the end). Of course that relationship has an impact on who I am now, but I didn't bring that into our relationship. I trusted in him fully, no questions asked, until that first, second, third lie. I tried to explain that to him, and that he's doing exactly what he's accusing me of. He accuses me of trying to control him, of not using the right tone with him. I'm not trying to control him, I just want to be treated with the same respect I show him. And my tone? I try very hard to be conscious of my tone but perception is truth right? If he hears it a certain way, then thats how he hears it. He says his exes did that to him all the time. Controlled him, talked down to him, didn't support him. Yet he doesn't see that he's taking that past insecurities out on me. There's so many other things that have happened, but these are the main issues. All I've ever asked is for him to be honest and respect me and our relationship. Yet can he? Do I keep having faith in him? Or do I cut my ties and run? I've no desire to get married or have children. On that we both agree. Sure, things can change in the future, but for now, those are things I don't have, and haven't wanted. There's no pressure on him for those things at least. Right now, I feel like I put more effort into this relationship than he does. I feel like I try harder to prove I can trust him, when he should be the one trying to GAIN the trust back. He still gets pissy about when I look at his phone, when he tells me that I can look whenever I want. I dread what he has on his laptop. But the awful thing is, I know he's made a lot of progress. I know that my insecurities from what he's done, and all the times I've been let down, are keeping me from fully letting things go. Does he deserve that? My love bank is so empty right now. I'm realistic in how relationships are. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. Never will be. If I leave now, when things seem to be getting better, will I just be trading one set of problems for another? We got in a huge fight a while back and we ignored each other for a good few days. He always says he needs space to think. That its hard for him to face his emotions, and to concentrate on studying and our issues. He texted me a few days later on my way home from work, and said that I should know that he loves me and misses me, that he was sorry he was taking so long, but his feelings were just starting to surface. I'm so not like that. I know how I feel, I like to fight and get it over with, not drag it out. But I'm not him, and I'm not a guy. What do I do? How else do I communicate how I'm feeling without him shutting down? And he always shuts down. He admits as much, that he can't handle the stress of it, fighting with me. Even when I approach him calmly and ask if its a good time, it always ends badly. So how do I get him to really understand how this is affecting me? He says he's never actually physically cheated on me, that he should get credit for that. He used to acknowledge what he did with being in contact with all those women, but now its like a non-issue for him. How do I get him to see how this is making me feel? How do I get him to put more effort into us, into me? How can I get him to see that I deserve some romance ONCE IN A WHILE? I try to lead by example. I make a point to get little things for him, to make him things, to plan fun dates, to ask how he's doing, to help him around the house, all of that. Yet to him, he thinks that us being under the same roof is "quality time" and says he's just not that romantic of a guy. I know that's a lie. So why is he different with me?

Sorry this is so extremely long and all over the place. In reality it could probably be a lot longer and its nice to be able to write some of this out! I know I've made him sound like this evil jerk...he has been. But he's also been wonderful and a lot of my happiest memories have been with him. What do I do???[/FONT]

[Travelinglady]

Hey, kila82. I definitely think it's time for you to move on. Your whole relationship began with lies--and I would not trust him.

True, you have had some great times, but to me the bad things would outweigh the good.

Originally Posted by kila82

There's so many other things that have happened, but these are the main issues.

To know this is amazing, considering all that you've told us here...

Originally Posted by kila82

All I've ever asked is for him to be honest and respect me and our relationship.

...and based on that I'll honestly say he doesn't now, if he ever did. I don't want to be harsh yet it's important to be truthful.

Originally Posted by kila82

Or do I cut my ties and run?

I agree with the last post, for the things you've mentioned there are those who wouldn't even think to tolerate!

Hope things look up

[Regina Flume]

Hi Kila82,

You've given him so many chances and nothing has been looking up. You've exerted so much time and energy into this one man that it is not fair to you to dwell on such problems. It may be time to re-invent yourself again without him. You did it once, you can do it again. Good luck!

[kila82]

Originally Posted by Regina Flume

Hi Kila82,

You've given him so many chances and nothing has been looking up. You've exerted so much time and energy into this one man that it is not fair to you to dwell on such problems. It may be time to re-invent yourself again without him. You did it once, you can do it again. Good luck!

The thought of reinventing myself again brings tears to my eyes right now, as I type this. I know in my head that this is truth, and I see what I'm going through. But gosh, it's my heart that's causing all this turmoil. I guess that's usually the case right? A part of me feels that because I've put so much time and energy into him, that I can't bring myself to give up just yet. I know that's silly, I've told myself that before. But I do see that he has made some changes. But then my head says, maybe he's just hiding things better? How do you really know if you can trust someone again? I read a quote once that went something like, 'If you want to know if you can trust someone, you have to trust them.' So much easier said! I swear my life feels like an episode of Maury sometimes. Can people really not change? Or is that naive to think that?