[Werewoman]

After reading a thread under Borderline Personality Disorder by a new member here, lilodian4ever, I have not been able to stop thinking about it. In it, she uses the metaphor of demonic possession to describe what it's like living with BPD. (I hope I described that correctly, lilodian4ever) I don't have BPD, but I do have PTSD as a result of being raised by a BPD mother. Unlike those of you here on this forum, she refuses help or treatment.

Lately I have been struggling with the idea that all the horrors I remember as a child, and some as an adult, she likely either doesn't remember doing or can't admit to doing even if she does. She acts as though nothing is wrong and if anyone has a problem it's me, not her. I came to accept this as 'normal' for her and after much pain and struggle, came to accept that our relationship will never change, and that in essence, she was never really a mother to me, as most people understand a mother to be. I don't remember ever being held or nurtured by her. She had her good days though, and I am thankful for them simply because without those good days things would have been much worse.

lilodian4ever's post and the metaphor she used to describe how she feels helped me a lot in the sense that I have been trying so hard lately to stop seeing my mom as a monster, which I have for 52 years, and start seeing her as simply a very sick old woman. She is now 72, and yet she still terrifies me. I still can't be in the same state as her, much less under the same roof.

But........when I think of what life must have been like for her growing up. She was 20 when I was born, and I don't know a lot of details about her youth, but the things I do know....well, I'd probably feel as though I was possessed by demons if I were in my mom's shoes.

For starters, her mother died when she was not quite 2 years old. A few years later, her father - a sweet but, well, ignorant yet hard working man who I'm sure was desperately needing someone to help him raise two young daughters - remarried to a woman named Agnes, who had two children herself, one boy and one girl. They then had another daughter together after a few years. All I can say about it is that I never met any of these people until I was 10 years old, and if Agnes was half as cruel when my mother was young, well, I can only imagine........Then, for reasons I only have an inkling about, but I'm guessing problems with Agnes' kids, my mother and her sister were sent to live with an aunt and uncle when my mom was 13. Again, I don't know many details, but I have no doubt she was at the very least molested and possibly even raped by her uncle, and quite frankly, probably her aunt as well. I'm pretty sure she was a lesbian. Looking back, it would not surprise me to learn that she was repeatedly molested and or raped by not only her uncle, but her stepbrother, too. Let's just say he was the type.

As bad as it was for me at times, I wonder if it was not even worse for her and that she lives with 'demonic possession' every single day of her life with no reprieve. What a horror that must be.

I really, really love my mom. I keep saying that I accept that she will never change and I'm told I will go crazy, correction - crazier, if I keep wishing and hoping that she will.

Crazier, here I come......

[Travelinglady]

Hi, werewoman. My mom has borderline characteristics, so I know what you are talking about. She did have a terrible childhood, and I suspect my grandmother had borderline characteristics as well. My mom doesn't suspect anything is wrong with her, especially because she also has narcisisstic personality disorder.

I also feel some sympathy for my mother and believe she has tried to be a good mom. She could be nurturing, but she couldn't give me what I really needed either.

I have spent a long time in therapy and have been able to forgive her. I also developed borderline personality disorder and had a hard time being a good mother. But therapy has helped me to get over this problem.

I still can't spend a lot of time with my mom, but I also try to be understanding.