[lonelyowl92]

I don't even know where I would begin when talking about my relationship. We started talking online 7 years ago, and after 2 years she made her feelings clear for me. I didn't think I was gay but I did feel something towards her that I had never felt before so after about a month of talking it through and thinking about it all, we decided to give it a go (I was only 16). We lived apart for over 2 years and had a long distance relationship. We were strong and in love and we spent our days counting down the days until we were with each other again and when we were together it was perfect, literally nothing could break us. We did fight and get jealous and have our problems but we blamed it on the distance. So after about 2 years we decided to move closer to each other, we lived in separate places but in the same city. We spent a lot of time together and never really left each other alone tbh but we were just so happy to finally be able to see each other whenever.

To cut a long story short, after a year we decided to move in together and it has now been a year we have shared a flat. I love her and I want to be with her forever. However we have had so many problems (she is not mentally stable- has never really been but I have always been there and done everything I can to support her) and a few weeks ago she went home for some space. She had planned to go for a few weeks, after a couple she barely was speaking to me, she never seemed like she wanted anything to do with me and when I asked her if she wanted to be with me, she said - I don't know. I was so torn up by this, so after a few days I basically said you can't just string me along not knowing etc and she ended it. Just like that. 5 years gone, forgotten about, over a phone call. There is so many things to this relationship that make it good but bad and destructive but perfect. She told me I was too needy and smothering (I feel the need to be concerning her mental state, eg. SH and suicidal thoughts, even though I know i shoudln't) and she said that she is too selfish, I don't make her happy enough and doesn't care enough to be in the relationship anymore. She is depressed, I know this and she has been to counselling, mental health nurses etc but she isn't okay. She gave up her education, friends, job and all she had left was me. I thought I was the most important thing in her life until she left me the way she did. Is it the depression doing this? Does she really not want to be with me or is it just too difficult for her? Is it all my fault? Does she think she doesn't make me happy? Or is she really just falling out of love with me and not want to be with anymore? I feel like I don't know cus all she says is that is just isn't working.

Anyway my main reason for posting here is to get some advice. I need guidance on how to get over her. I speak to my friends and they all say she wasn't good for me and that I will be better off without her. Maybe that's true but right now I am so broken. I need her, I want her and I miss her. What hurts me the most is that she doesn't want anything to do with me, she doesn't seem to care at all, she is off living her life in a different country whilst I am left here in what was our flat, with all of our stuff and our life that she has just left behind. I want to be able to be happy and not care about her but I can't. I am so in love with her and I hate myself for it. At night I have dreams that she comes back to me and everything is perfect, the way they are meant to be but then I wake up and lay in bed crying in the middle of the night. I am young and have so many thing to think about, I don't want to feel like this. I have a small network of friends and I have my family who have all be unbelievably supportive but I have never felt more alone in my life. I am so sad. I literally get up, lay in bed crying and being sad then go back to sleep. Then I get so so angry at myself when I think of what she has done to me and how she is going on like everything is fine and having her life the way she wants it. She has forgotten me and I am so heartbroken over it all. I just need a way to try and accept that it's over and believe there is no hope for us.

How do I get to be okay?

x-

[zyberzoom]

It will probably take some extensive counseling, probably for the both of you, if both are agreeable to it. That would be my first step. It may take some time, (for you) as you seem to be having a tough time getting over something that will probably never be. I have seen many situations like yours and they usually don't work out. I could very well be wrong, as I often am, but with the distance between the two of you, it doesn't sound good. I'm hoping for the best for you, and most things do get better in time, so there is always hope. Depression is never easy.

Originally Posted by lonelyowl92

She told me I was too needy and smothering (I feel the need to be concerning her mental state, eg. SH and suicidal thoughts, even though I know i shoudln't) and she said that she is too selfish, I don't make her happy enough and doesn't care enough to be in the relationship anymore. She is depressed...

Originally Posted by lonelyowl92

She gave up her education, friends, job and all she had left was me. I thought I was the most important thing in her life until she left me the way she did. Is it the depression doing this? Does she really not want to be with me or is it just too difficult for her? Is it all my fault? Does she think she doesn't make me happy? Or is she really just falling out of love with me and not want to be with anymore? I feel like I don't know cus all she says is that is just isn't working.

The last thing I want to be about this is insensitive, however: have you ever thought of what things may have been like for her? Sounds like she was going through a lot before and during the relationship, and it was too painful for her to stay. It may be hard for you to hear but dealing with these things isn't easy and she's more than likely still dealing with these issues now, not blissfully happy as you may believe her to be. Issues like these don't magically disappear - they take time to resolve if ever. Stepping away from the established life she already had before you moved in together may have been too much for her; and you imply that you were her main support system...only you know how much truth there is to that since you know the situation, not anyone reading this from here...If you really were all she had for immediate support then that would get tiring. Constantly heavily relying on one person for intense emotional support, even a significant other, does get exhausting, annoying, etc. at some point. The amount of time it takes for this to happen really depends on the person. Also, an important side note: as tempting as it may be to be 'really gentle' with people who have emotional/mental disorders, no matter how much you care about the person (but also depending on the individual), it can be irritating to them to be constantly treated as fragile.

Originally Posted by lonelyowl92

...a few weeks ago she went home for some space. She had planned to go for a few weeks, after a couple she barely was speaking to me, she never seemed like she wanted anything to do with me...

Considering what I've already said and this, it's possible she had an idea of what she wanted but wasn't sure of how to go about getting it (or, i.e: confused). She may have associated you with all the negativity she is going through and needed to spend time back in a place that she was familiar with to sort through those feelings and come to understand what she really wanted. You say she has always had the issues she has which means that you aren't necessarily the total cause of her unhappiness. It's fine to grieve the relationship but it isn't fair to you to entirely blame yourself. Your actions influenced her just the same as hers influenced you. Naturally that's how all relationships go.

Originally Posted by lonelyowl92

5 years gone, forgotten about, over a phone call.

Remember what I said - all the responsibility then didn't entirely fall on you. Your sole responsibility now is taking care of yourself. It was really callous of her to go back and then decide while being far away to tell you this over the phone when she should've maturely done this in person. Five years is quite a bit of time for investment. Your reaction that you outlined is your grieving; give yourself permission to grieve else you won't be able to move past this.