[zappa3]

Okay, this isn't a huge issue compared to many of the others discussed here but it's nice to get things out… also it's long, apologies, and if I'm overreacting and being a typical teenager please tell me (though I have been told otherwise in subtle ways by non-immediate family and friends so I don't think it's just me)

I'm a 19 year old girl and I have an extremely strained relationship with my mum. She's always been strict (when i was little I remember a friend saying she 'force-fed' her when she came round for dinner- i suspect this was a bit exaggerated) but i can cope with that- she's chinese so it's quite normal for her.

My Dad has accused her of being 'emotionally and verbally abusive' and 'a bully' towards me personally, and just purposely trying to upset me. He actually suggested she go to a doctor to control her anger once. There's nothing mentally wrong with her though as far as I'm aware, and neither is there with me- except for obsessiveness that has stuck with me in a small way, but doesn't bother me much but she has criticised this constantly nonetheless (this isn't a big deal though.)

Every day for the past 8 to 10 years we have argued and she has criticised my traits/personality/actions- every day, several times a day. This is the one thing in my life that gets to me in a big way so I cry most days, alone or in arguments (i try very hard not to feel sorry for myself because I know she really just wants what's best for me and i'm very lucky in that way, but the constant criticism is tiring).

I've always tried to be good but haven't managed perfection, I've done well at school and never got in trouble (I've always left work til the last minute which is my main fault there) and I've missed parties and meeting up with friends if I hadn't finished homework/chores and tried to be reasonable. I've always been given less freedom but life can't be perfect so it's okay. I admit I have frequently argued back but sometimes she downright lies (she accused me of 'begging' for money recently, when I have never asked for a penny- I worked a saturday job for my final year at school and at university I get the entirety of my money from the good old english government as a student loan/grants/my overdraft etc). So yeah I haven't been perfect, I've argued, I've been lazy, I've been untidy but I've tried my best, and she still frequently compares me to my friends, relatives, celebrities and herself- just to emphasise my faults.

Living at university for 30 weeks of the last year has been brilliant, just to get away from all this. But now I'm home and it was back to the same from the day I got back. I love her and I know for sure that she loves me and just wants me to do well in life but it's suffocating and upsetting. I can't remember the last time - i don't even know if there was a last time where we sat and talked about something trivial, for fun, had a conversation without arguing or her complaining. And I see my friends able to talk about a tv show, or a news item, or their problems with their mothers and this is something that I've never, ever been able to do. I realise it's partly both our faults that we don't get on but I'm still jealous that my friends are able to do this. Since I've been home I've done a bit of cooking each day for us, helped out a bit around the house and tried to make simple conversation but it's hard to talk.

I know I'm lucky because she does care about me in her own way but I feel like she cares more about my safety/job prospects and less about my happiness. it's been 19 years of this and I still can't manage to give up on having a good relationship with her. Anyone else been through similar? Sorry this is long!

[Little Lulu]

The successful Chinese-American author Amy Tan has written several books about the difficulties mother-daughter relationships. "The Joy Luck Club" by her might be helpful to you.