[XxxkittykatxxX]

Alright...

My stepfather was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused as a child. He has not laid a hand on my sisters but has made it very clear he wants to.

Some things I have noticed are:
-he plays favorites. It's not just "This one isn't acting up," it's, "I'm just going to stick my head in the sand over this for you--but you'll get it." When I lived at home, I was the one who was the favorite and I felt guilty for it. Now it's the middle sister, and she takes advantage of it. Sometimes he turns it around and does "mass punishment" and makes the "favorite" resent the "troublemaker".

- He constantly mocks my sisters, if they complain about anything...and even when they aren't, and tries to excuse it as a joke.

-He is excessively clingy towards my mother, to the point that he used to keep us away from her. I mean puppy-dogging her, constantly calling or texting when he gets a minute, that kind of thing. If she leaves the house, he calls her as soon as he thinks she should be heading home, and every five minutes after. When our mother did not have custody of us, he would make excuses about why they didn't have enough gas money to come get us or feed us, and then buy something for himself. He even admitted to being jealous of us.

- He consistently uses a condescending tone, unless he is talking to someone other than us children or my mother. It is not only obnoxious, but it has reached the point that I'm just plain sick of it.

-This all disappears the second another adult is around. I'm just tired of it and tired of seeing my sisters hurting because of this.

I understand parenting, but the second someone so much as asks a question, they're told, "Stahhhhpp, " and then the second they seem upset, they start losing everything.

He can be relatively normal until my mother walks in, and then the animosity doubles until at least two of us are arguing and someone is yelling to cut it out. I don't even live at home--this is what I've witnessed in two weeks just being home on vacation.

This comes across to me as emotional abuse, but there's more and that is part of the reason that I am not only concerned for my siblings, but for him as well.

There are times when he is not clingy towards my mother. During these times, he is usually talking to someone else--cheating. It's like he's not getting enough attention (which of course can happen when you have two children and a busy schedule ) and runs off to find it. It has happened three times in the past few years, and it's terrible. He will completely ignore my sisters and stay in his and my mothers room for hours alone.

I'm just tired. No one is truly happy at home and I think that--while we could all benefit with a little group therapy--that it might be best to bring it up to him first, and have him start going on his own to begin.

How can I gently bring this up to him? I want to talk it over with my mother first so I know I'm not completely skewed overhead, but I want to kind of be the one to tell him . I think our family would be a lot happier.

[waiting4]

It sounds like he has narcissist tendencies, if not full blown NPD, and from what you've said, he was probably raised by one (or two). Getting him to realize what's going on with him will be a huge challenge, and I'm not sure it will work. NPD's are notorious for not believing anything is wrong with them, their lives or how they perceive others around them. It's sad, because they are hurting worse than those around them that they hurt.

I wish I could offer words of advice or at least suggestion for convincing him....all I can suggest for you is to read up on Narcissist Personality Disorder, and for good measure Borderline Personality Disorder (which he also seems to be showing traits). It won't make him see he has a problem, but it might help you understand him, and hopefully help you and your siblings deal more successfully with this very unpleasant, sad situation.

Good luck and take care *hugs*

[hvert]

I saw your other post about this, too.

I think it is great that you are trying to help your sisters, but I would be prepared for your stepfather to not be receptive to your suggestion that he get some help. Your mother is probably also aware of this situation, even if it is seems that she is not doing much about it.

It may be easier to convince your mother that she needs to do something to protect your sisters than to convince him that he has a problem.

The awful thing is that there may not be much you can do to protect your sisters. Your mother and stepfather need to figure this stuff out for themselves -- most parents aren't receptive to being told these sorts of things by their children.

I hope this works out for you and your siblings. It really sounds like a hard place to live

[blur]

in all honesty this probably won't go well and result in anything good because you have no real power in this situation. not to be a debbie downer but unless your mother is at least 100% on board and willing to back up any needed behavior changes you probably won't have enough influence to convince him to get help. most likely, it will just cause a whole lot of tension.

instead, i think your best bet is to be supportive to your sisters. build them up and encourage them and let them know you are available to them. spend time with them outside of the house away from him and help them with whatever their desires are. you can't rescue your sisters but you can be a respite for them.

[ChipperMonkey]

If he is narcissistic, its pretty much game over. Narcissists won't ever admit to fault. I think about 0.00000001% of narcissists ever enter into treatment for the disorder and recover.

[blur]

guys, we're not supposed to try to diagnose people on these forums. there are many reasons for that: we are not professionals, it's over the internet, it's 2nd or 3rd hand, etc. etc.