[Hroark]

Hello..

I am married to a beautiful woman who is the mother of 4 wonderful children. We have been married for 15 years. I am kind of at the end of my rope though these days... and I need to come to terms with her personality. I want to stay married, but I just don't understand what I am missing.

After 15 years, I understand as much about her as I did from the first year. If you are familiar with the stoic personality - which is about 1% of the population if even that is one in which resignation rules. They feel impenetrable to others... they seem upset and disinterested, and rarely, if ever show emotion. Usually the only emotion I get out of her is anger or disappointment, and alot of times it seems like an overreaction which makes me feel that there is something deeper, and the reaction is like a pressure valve to keep her from really exploding about how you have disappointed her since we became married.

I've read enough to know this is probably not the case... but they mess with the accepted system of social cues... so it's hard not to slip into thinking she would rather beat you over anything else.

She is not sexually interested and never initiates. She will gladly give whenever asked... but never asks herself. To a husband... that is like eating tacks.

I went into the city on a drive the other day to clear my head of thoughts of leaving and maybe finding a person that seems to value what I have to give, and I saw couples functioning the way I would like to... holding hands, being affectionate - functioning as the world accepts it. Ever since then I have been silently smoldering over a situation that really can't change... we are who we are.

Any advice would be great.

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, Hroark. Have you told your wife about how you feel? More particularly, have you told her what you would like to see changed? She may have some suggestions for you also.

How can you state unequivocally that change is not possible? Have you thought about couples' therapy? Perhaps, both of you might benefit from individual therapy?

Please do not think the worst when you have not explored the options available.

[bluekoi]

Hroark, Hello and welcome to PsychCentral.

Has your wife seen a mental health professional?

We have many resources to help support you!

Here are a few links you may find helpful -

Borderline Personality Disorder - Forums at Psych Central

Relationships & Communication - Forums at Psych Central

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[Trippin2.0]

Did you marry her hoping you'd accept her as is over time, or hoping she would change over time?

I'm sorry I don't mean to come across as rude or anything, but I'm guessing you realized she was unaffectionate/stoic before you got married(?) So I'm not quite sure what your pre-marital thought pattern surrounding this was...

I don't have any advice, but I do have some insight.

My mom is as you described, my dad was her polar opposite, but for 43 years their relationship flourished anyway. Why? Daddy accepted that due to how she was raised, mommy was not huggy and handholdy, while mommy accepted that daddy was super affectionate and would steal hugs and kisses from her every so often.

Infact its a running inside joke that hugs are to be stolen from her, unless you're 10y.o and under.

My point? This (whatever you want to name it) is your wife's personality, a personality that you were (presumably) well aware of 15 years ago before you married her, and married her anyway... Is it fair to now ask her to change the type of person she is because you can't stand it anymore?

If her personality was disordered (as mine is) I would suggest therapy, but in all honesty, I don't see any type of disorder, I just see a marriage between seemingly incompatable partners.

[Moreira]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Did you marry her hoping you'd accept her as is over time, or hoping she would change over time?

I'm sorry I don't mean to come across as rude or anything, but I'm guessing you realized she was unaffectionate/stoic before you got married(?) So I'm not quite sure what your pre-marital thought pattern surrounding this was...

I don't have any advice, but I do have some insight.

My mom is as you described, my dad was her polar opposite, but for 43 years their relationship flourished anyway. Why? Daddy accepted that due to how she was raised, mommy was not huggy and handholdy, while mommy accepted that daddy was super affectionate and would steal hugs and kisses from her every so often.

Infact its a running inside joke that hugs are to be stolen from her, unless you're 10y.o and under.

My point? This (whatever you want to name it) is your wife's personality, a personality that you were (presumably) well aware of 15 years ago before you married her, and married her anyway... Is it fair to now ask her to change the type of person she is because you can't stand it anymore?

If her personality was disordered (as mine is) I would suggest therapy, but in all honesty, I don't see any type of disorder, I just see a marriage between seemingly incompatable partners.

I agree with a very large portion of the above. Was she this was before you married her? Or did the stoic wife from hell rear its ugly head after you said I do? People generally don't change very easily. And I've found that if there are things you don't like about a person, they aren't going to magically disappear once you marry them.

I do disagree about the "'This' is your wife's personality" part though. It's never okay for someone to come across as being angry, annoyed or disappointed with you every time you speak to them. Yeah yeah yeah... some of us have RBF, but it's not okay to treat your partner as if they are unwanted no matter what type of personality you have. Then again there's a chance that she doesn't realize how she's coming across. I echo some of the same questions as the above posters:
Have you spoken to her in depth about your feelings?
Have you considered seeking counseling for you both?

[John4774]

Hroark... Hello. I'm married to a woman who is very similar. It is a very empty hollow feeling to be in an intimate relationship with a person like this. I feel your pain.

A few initial thoughts: Your wife may have a classic stoic personality. The latter is inherent in, for example, many of individuals of Germanic, Scandinavian, or Norwegian ancestry. Or she may have "schizoid personality style" of moderate severity. I say this because a pure schizoid (full Schizoid Personality Disorder) is a total and complete loner and has little to zero desire for any intimate relationships. Or your wife may have mild Asperger's (be an "Aspie"). It's hard to tell for sure. Differential diagnosis for individuals like this can be difficult even for a clinical psychologist.

Question: Has your wife ever seen or been evaluated by a psychologists?

Lastly, unlike trippen2.0 above, I have some insight into whyyou may have been attracted to such a stoic person. There are several explanations. More on that next time.